Thursday Night Meltdown 3rd May 2007

[Alicia "Atomic" Kitsune]

Thursday Night Meltdown 3rd May 2007

ACW World Tour III: The Road Less Travelled
Western Springs Stadium
Auckland, New Zealand

Schedule of Matches:
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VorteX vs Mr. Red

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Jay Zero vs. Marcus Curtis

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Adrian Flamingo & Nick Durden vs. Macho Libre and The Zombie

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Rattlesnake vs. Thunderkiss

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Brimstone vs. Scott Andrews

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ACW Light-Heavyweight Championship
Kudo Yasuda vs. Jake Cheng

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[Alicia "Atomic" Kitsune]

It’s a lovely autumn evening in Auckland, and the outdoor Western Springs arena makes a wonderful venue for ACW’s continuing World Tour. But however nice the weather seems out front… in the back, more than a few storms are brewing…

[Alicia "Atomic" Kitsune]

Segment: Action Packed Night (Credit: BK)

As we fade in from black, we see BK London and Jake Cheng in their locker room, and together they receive a deafening pop. Their performances in the Fallen Heroes Battle Royale were stellar, and even thought Jake was thrown over the top rope, they still appear to be the best of friends. We can't hear exactly what is being discussed from them, but BK is dressed in a suit while Jake is sporting his in ring gear.

McNally: Look at them, even after going up against each other in possibly the biggest match of their lives, they're still friends. Jake might not be the Fallen Heroes Battle Royale winner, but they're both winners in my book.

Edison: But with a more accurate response, BK London IS the actual winner of the Fallen Heroes Battle Royale and because of that, tonight appears to be The Celebration of BK London's win.

McNally: Sounds like another one of his appreciation nights.

Edison: I'm pretty sure it's NOT!

McNally: Sure sounds like it.

Edison: Bear and Beer sound the same, but they're not.

McNally: ...what?

Edison: Geez McNally, focus back on the task at hand. Read the next thing.

McNally: But you -

Edison: Just read it.

McNally: Fine. Also tonight, in the main event, we have possibly the two best Light Heavyweight Champions in ACW history facing off, and the gold will be on the line. It will be, Jake Cheng versus Kudo Yasuda!

As the crowd hears that, a huge pop follows.

Edison: How many times have these two actually fought?

McNally: Your guess is as good as mine, but one thing is for sure, it will be one hell of a main event.

Edison: You can say that again, but let's get this night underway.

Fade Out.

[Alicia "Atomic" Kitsune]

Segment: My Metamorphosis (Credit: Wyvern)

”It’s been building up in me for a long time…heh.”

Instead of the usual “thinking to one’s self” that Wyvern seems to be quite fond of, it’s actually a segment, as he apparently is speaking within a pitch-black room. His tone is that of a man, once respectful of those around him, now corrupted to the core.

”Foolish people…do you not understand?”

Still no light. It’s dark, too dark for the cameras to pick up anything.

”I’ve already been labeled one of the most treacherous personas in the history of Alpha Championship Wrestling, just by my actions last Saturday. It feels great…having that…overnight infamy. Ha ha ha ha…

If you were thinking you were going to see something here…think again. There’s still no light!

”Fallen Heroes was a bit…ironic, wouldn’t you say? Ha ha ha… Senator was NO match for my deceptive ways. But alas! I wasn’t entirely at fault…these events could have possibly not been set in motion, given more…favorable situations. But NO! The Senatorial Stable betrayed me! They sent me back to the end of the line, ignored me, even though I was always their right hand man! AHHH SWEET RELEASE!

Wyvern cackles in the darkness, as cacophonous laughter blares through the P.A. in the arena.

”It’s glorious, really. I…am no longer what I used to be. To do so, I sacrificed nothing of my own! I gave the world a taste of what real vengeance tastes like! I went into Fallen Heroes, and outsmarted the technical legend. And I put him down to sleep, administered his long-overdue euthanasia! For you see, the Senator is a broken, broken man, who just happened to stumble into a clever trap, made of the best laid plans.”

More laughter resonates, and somewhere, a mark’s heart is broken forever.

”But enough about him. I know stand tall with the most dangerous minds in the world. The devious Umeko Saito, and the infamous Alexander Starkweather. However, that’s not the only thing new in my world…

With that, Wyvern’s familiar face starts to become visible, as a small source of light penetrates the camera lens. Clearly grinning, Wyvern’s facial features are much the same…that is, if you ignore the runes that now adorn his face. Laughing maniacally at the drop of a hat, the lights go on in the room he’s in, and you now can see that it’s not just the runes on his face. His hair has been almost completely cut off, and his eyes appear to have been color augmented with contacts. His traditional purple attire is non-existent, as he now is in a completely different color scheme of red and black.

”ACW…take this as a sign. THINGS ARE CHANGING! I, Wyvern, the Modern Day Judas, am now the champion of champions here in this sinking ship, and NO ONE will be able to stop me and my associates! NO ONE! You can issue hope to one another, but I assure you…those ARE WASTED BREATHS! Consider your resistance to our dominance your FIRST and FINAL WARNING!!! AH HAHAH AHAH AHAHH HAH!!!”

The camera fades to black, as Wyvern’s new persona leaves a permanent watermark in ACW history.

End Segment.

[Alicia "Atomic" Kitsune]

Segment: Titles and Tribulations (Credit: Mr. Red)

“Reds Fan” by Freekbass blares throughout the arena. Boos begin to be heard in the crowd. The music plays for a few moments to stall this and make the crowd more restless. The boos shift to silence as a Latin female comes out onto the stage. She is dressed in a Reds jersey and short skirt. The female walks to the ring and climbs inside with a mic in hand. The boos reign down again once fans start to realize that she is acquainted with Mr. Red.

??: Let me first off, introduce myself. I am Mrs. Red. I happen to be the first lady to best superstar in ACW. So without delaying any longer. Allow me to introduce you to the future ACW champion. My man, mi hombre. Mr. Red!!

“Reds Fan” hits again as this time, Mr. Red comes out onto the stage. He waves his patented baseball bat at the crowd. He even threatens a few fans with it as he walks to the ring. Mr. Red slides into the ring and after giving his lady a kiss on the cheek, he reaches for a mic that she holds in her hand.

Mr. Red: Good to see you low lifes again. Did you really think you could have gotten rid of me? Someone has to take Latino’s place. You know…now that he no longer exists in ACW.

The Red couple shares a snicker. The crowd pops at the mention of Latino then quickly turn back to heavy boos as the couple in the ring start poking at the legacy of Latino.

Mrs. Red: Now that he is gone. I think that makes me the top person of Mexican decent, doesn’t it?

Mr. Red nods in agreement as his lady laughs evilly.

Mr. Red: Now, m’dear. Let’s get down to business. Most of you, well, all of you are wondering… what is our problem with the Curtis kid.

A small Curtis chant echoes from the crowd.

Mrs. Red: Callete! No quiero oir eso.

Mr. Red: She said shut up. She doesn’t want to hear that crap. You piss my woman off, you piss me off. And you know what? You guys are starting to piss me off.

The boos echo out again.

I trained long and hard. Working through every obstacle that was put in front of me. All I wanted was a shot at the Fallout champion. Anybody could beat Jack Jefferson. I could have beaten him like that.

Both Reds snap their fingers to let the crowd know how fast.

Mrs. Red: All that work was basically for nothing. This little pet project seemed to get in the way and take everything Mr. Red worked for. I guess that’s what we get for not kissing ass of management.

Mr. Red: So now? Marcus Curtis? You have something I desire. Whether I beat you or not, I am gonna take your Fallout Television title. You are a disgrace to the Television title. It doesn’t belong around the waste of someone who deserves it.

Mrs. Red motions around the waste of Mr. Red.

Mr. Red: I look to restore the prestige and honor that the Television title once had. It doesn’t belong around the waste of the “golden boy.”

They both slam their mics down as “Reds Fan” blares out once again. Mr. Red slides out of the ring and then reaches up and helps Mrs. Red down to the floor. Both exit stage left after taunting the crowd with a special taunt they created just for the ACW crowd.

[Alicia "Atomic" Kitsune]

Segment: My name-a Pablo! (Credit: Zero)

The scene opens up backstage to find Jay Zero walking down the hallyway in an angry fashion. Nearby crew workers avoid the irate, ticking time-bomb as he storms right into the “Talent Locker Room.” The door swings open, startling several people.

[/center]

Zero: Where the hell is he?!?[/color]

Gary: Gah!

Gary jumps and covers up his chest.

[/center]

Zero: Huh?! I said where is he?! [/color]

Julio: Whoa man, what are you doing!

Zero starts throwing things, tearing apart the room before turning to Julio Rivera, grabbing him by the collar and pulling him in.

[/center]

Zero: Listen punk, where’s your cousin? [/color]

Julio: How the hell am I supposed to know? And - -

He pushes Jay back.

[/center]

Julio: - - - Don’t touch me, punk.

Upon this, one man sees fit to step in and break up whatever is about to happen.

[/center]

Pablo Lopez: ‘Ey! ‘Ey! Back off, amigo!

Zero: Who th- - - [/color]

Pablo: No! Escuchame! My name………is Pablo….Lopez! And before you go and try to - -

Zero isn’t even in the mood, laying a stiff right hand to the jaw of Pablo. He picks him up and throws him into a locker before turning back to Julio.

[/center]

Zero: Whenever you see him, tell him that Jay Zero’s looking for his sorry ass. [/color]

He starts to stampede his way to the door. He begins to open it, but Julio decides to speak.

[/center]

Julio: Yeah, well I doubt that I’ll even be seeing him.

Jay halts, and there is a pause. Gary is still seen covering himself up, and Pablo is on the ground moaning in pain.

Zero: And why the hell is that? [/color]

Julio: Well for one, he’s not on a strict contract. He can come and go whenever he pleases. And two, even if I do see him, I highly doubt that I’ll be cutting you of all people any slack.

Jay turns around and glares into Julios eyes.

[/center]

Zero: Jose….who do you think you are talking to me like that? I am the future of this god forsaken place; you should be on the ground kissing my feet right now you son of a bitch. [/color]

Julio: My names Julio, and if you seriously think that how life is going to be treating you here, you seriously need a reality check, bud.

Zero: Heh, you sorry little thing. I’m not your “bud” if that’s what you think. For all I care, your last name is Rivera, and you’re on the Bitch List……..bud. [/color]

He exits the room, slamming the door behind him as Gary runs over to attend Pablo. Julio shakes his head and goes back to whatever it was that he was doing.

The scene begins to fade.

End.[/center]

[Alicia "Atomic" Kitsune]

Match 1: VorteX vs Mr. Red (Credit: Latino)

The match starts off as both men are circling one another in the ring. Vortex moves in fast as he locks up in a battle of test of strength. Both men push back and forth as they are clearly fighting for some early dominance in the ring. The fans start a slow chant for Red as he continues to fight back. His wife is outside slapping the ring as she tries to give support to her husband. Moments later both men break apart and then Vortex quickly kicks Red in the gut. He grabs him by the arm and whips him into the ropes. Red bounces off and he leapfrogs over his opponent. He quickly turns around and takes down Vortex with a harsh Lariat. Red then quickly gets back up and runs up the turnbuckles. He stops at the second one and leaps back with a low angle moonsault that connects perfectly. He leans back and then falls forward against Vortex as he hooks the leg for the cover. The Referee slides against the mat as he makes the count….ONE…TWO…..kickout by Vortex.

The fans let out a low boo as Red doesn’t waste another moment. He pulls his opponent back to his feet and immediately starts throwing lefts and rights. Vortex backs up step by step and red goes for another punch, but his opponent ducks the throw. He grabs Red and lifts him by up by the waist. He slams a few headbutts against Red’s forehead and then drops him down onto his feet. Red grabs his head that is now throbbing in pain. Vortex takes a few steps back and comes back at Red with a Pele Kick. Red quickly ducks and grabs the leg. He grabs Vortex and quickly counters the move with a Scoop Slam. Red then runs to the ropes and comes back with a Baseball Slide that connects perfectly against the face. Vortex rolls back underneath the ropes. Red rolls backwards onto his feet and comes at Vortex with a Cross Body Block that clears the top ropes. Both men go off the apron and slam against the outside mats. Red rolls off of his opponent as Vortex pushes himself back onto his feet. Vortex is up first and he immediately starts plowing away of punches on his opponent. Red tries his best to block the attacks but he finally takes the blow hard. He stumbles back and then feels the impact of a Roundhouse kick to the face.

Red goes down to one knee and Vortex grabs him by the hair. He whips him straight into the steel steps. The fans let out a loud “OOOOOOOOHHH” as Red nearly flips over the steps. Moments later, he’s pushed back inside the ring and Vortex follows suit as he slides underneath the ropes. Both men slowly get back to their feet as the seconds pass on by. Red comes at his opponent with a clothesline but Vortex ducks and goes for one of his own. Red instinctively ducks the attack at the last second. He grabs Vortex and whips him into the corner.

Red charges at him but Vortex gives him a big boot to the face that stops him right in his tracks. At this moment, Mrs. Red comes up on the apron. The Referee comes to check on Red as he rolls around grabbing his face in pain. Vortex notices Mrs. Red and quickly walks over asking her. He grabs her by the hair but she quickly slams him right across the face. Vortex then nails her right across the face as she falls off the apron. Red then comes back with a dropkick to the back. As Vortex stumbles to the side, Red checks on his wife. Vortex comes back with the Whirlwind of Destruction that connects perfectly. He hooks the leg and applies the pressure as the Referee makes the count….ONE…TWO…THREE!

Phillip: Here is your winner…….VorteX!

[Alicia "Atomic" Kitsune]

Segment: "Thunderstruck" (Credit: Rattlesnake)

By now, everyone has seen what took place at Fallen Heroes. BK London wins the battle royale...Wyvern's World Championship win and his betrayal...a lot to really take in. Especially for Rattlesnake. He was really counting on winning at Fallen Heroes. It would be ideal to handle Wyvern's betrayal at Omega Effect. But that will come with time.

For now, Rattlesnake's quest for the World Championship takes yet another detour. But BK isn't the only one that's laughing. He knows of someone else that is.

Rattlesnake: It's inconceivable! It's unfathomable! It's...it's...it's-

Cobra: Impossible, right? That's exactly what it looks like to me. That is to say, when you can work with me. I warned you, didn't I? I told you that you couldn't win without me and I was right.

Rattlesnake: Shut up you son of a bitch! I've told you time and time again that I'm sick of your shit!

Cobra: Listen, you've got other issues to deal with besides me. How about this? Let's bury the hatchet and focus on the one thing that seems to matter most to you.

Rattlesnake: And why should I trust you? You've caused me nothing but pain and agony.

Cobra: True, but consider it "tough love."

Rattlesnake: Tough love? You tried to beat the hell out of me! You tried to take control of me! If anything, you should just go away. I don't need you.

Cobra: Look. Take a few days and think about it. If you can accept me, I'll promise you three things.

Rattlesnake: Oh, this'll be good. What can you promise me?

Cobra: You don't want me to control you? That will be one thing. You want the World Championship? That will be another thing. You want revenge against Wyvern? That's the other thing.

Rattlesnake: That's a pretty tall order. I don't think you can pull that off.

Cobra: You don't? Give me a few months. If that all doesn't happen, I'll go away like you want.

Rattlesnake: So what do you intend to do in the meantime?

Cobra: I'll be around. Just consider my offer.

With that, Cobra's presence disappears. Should Rattlesnake trust him after everything that's happened?

But while Rattlesnake thinks about that, Kevin Anderson strolls over to him.

Kevin: Can I get a few words with you concerning Fallen Heroes?

Rattlesnake slowly turns and glares at Kevin. The piercing stare from his eyes gives Kevin the chills.

Rattlesnake: Can you get a few words about Fallen Heroes? You saw what happened! You know what shit went down! There's no fucking explanation!

Kevin: That may be the case. But what about Wyvern?

Rattlesnake: What about Wyvern? WHAT ABOUT WYVERN?! Why ask about that bastard? He's nothing but a fucking turncoat that feels he's been wronged apparently. He had to do it in front of Senator and the world, but he didn't have the guts to do it in front of me. After all, I am the leader of the Senatorial Stable along with Senator. If there was anyone he should have brought stuff to, it was to me. But he never had the balls to do it, so to hell with him.

Kevin: Does that mean you won't do anything about this?

Rattlesnake: Why don't you ask something that has relevance?

Kevin: Like what?

Rattlesnake: It's Meltdown, isn't it?

Kevin: Yeah.

Rattlesnake: Jesus Christ you're thick.

Kevin: OH! How do you feel about facing Thunderkiss tonight in the ring? He's defeated some pretty challenging opponents in his short ACW career, including Senator when he was the World Champion.

Rattlesnake: I have to say that Thunderkiss has been impressive as of late. He's kicked off his ACW tenure like I did when I first set foot here over a year ago. But the thing he needs to realize is that his momentum is about to hit the wall head-first. He's not stepping into the ring with Rattlesnake or the "Vision of Greatness" tonight. He's just stepping into the ring with one pissed off son of a bitch and it's unlucky for him too. I'm in a mood to inflict pain...lots and lots of pain. I don't give a rat's ass what happens in the ring tonight. Everyone is going to see just what happens when the true "Snake" gets unleashed. If you think I'm trying to blow smoke up your ass, just you wait and see.

Kevin: So you feel that Thunderkiss is in for some trouble tonight?

Rattlesnake: I don't feel he is. I know he is. Thunderkiss is definitely going to achieve another claim to fame tonight. The only thing is that he isn't going to like what happens. Tonight Thunder gets struck. Now get the hell out of my way.

Rattlesnake leaves Kevin and goes off to contemplate the offer Cobra has set before him.

Before tonight, the little battle between them was tied and now it seems to be a stalemate. Only time will tell what Rattlesnake will decide to do.

Fade Out.

[Alicia "Atomic" Kitsune]

Segment: Wrestling is Dead (Credit: Michael)

INT. NICK DURDEN’S LOCKER ROOM – PRE-SHOW

Nick is merely sitting around, doing nothing. Suddenly, there’s a knocking at the door. He answers it, and at the door is none other than Kirsten Carter, listening to her iPod!

NICK (unenthused)
Hey, come in. It’s about time.

Nick sits back down and puts on his own iPod.

NICK
I picture you as a lifelong Stevie Wonder fan.

KIRSTEN
Um...did I make a topic or something recently that gives you that impression? Cause I started listening to Stevie, like...Saturday. And though I'm a big fan, that's just too coincidental.

NICK
No, I'm actually listening to Stevie and 98 Degrees right now . . . And now I’m listening to “Dream On” by Aerosmith.

KIRSTEN
Okay. That's weird. But I am a Stevie fan. 98 Degrees, well. I forget most of their stuff.

NICK
As do I. That one song is like the only reason I still have the album.

KIRSTEN
Hm.

NICK
…..

KIRSTEN
…..

Silence.

Actually, no. Now it’s time for the Quote of the Day! It is as follows:

Stevie's great.
-Nick, in an attempt to continue a conversation, circa 2007

KIRSTEN
Stevie is great. Well, classic era. That is, the 70's. I can't speak much for his more recent stuff. But yet again, no one can really.

NICK
VERY SUPERSTITIOUS!

KIRSTEN
I prefer the less known “Misstra Know It All.”

KIRSTEN
But Superstition's always a classic.

NICK
Lionel Richie is similarly good, but not his hooker daughter.

KIRSTEN
I haven't heard much of Lionel. "We Are the World" and "Lady" are about all I know of him.

NICK
All I really know is
YOU ARE THE SUN
YOU ARE THE RAIN
etc. and so on

KIRSTEN
His daughter is quite a whore, though I guess we all know that.

NICK
I don't know how someone that moderately unattractive can be such a whore.

KIRSTEN
Her dad's famous. That's how.

NICK
I guess there are a lot of gold-digging males. I know I wouldn't touch her, that's bad for your health.

KIRSTEN
Hmm.

NICK
….

Oh, come on, guys. Not another break in conversation. This is too awkward and unexcited for a reunion.

NICK
Metallica is greedy.

KIRSTEN
That's what people say. But really, who isn't greedy?

NICK
Molly Holly, from what I hear. She's a missionary in Guatemala. AND she has a nice ass.

KIRSTEN
And she won't let anyone have her ass. Thus, greedy.

NICK
No, modest. I'm sure she'd be willing to share her ass with one person, if he was looking for a wholesome, long-term relationship.

KIRSTEN
And I'm sure Metallica allows one person to listen to their music for free.

NICK
Yes, but it's not any of Lars Ulrich's family members. I've heard they have to call him on a 900 number.

KIRSTEN
So? Molly's in GUATEMALA. That's very long distance. And you know she's got her hand in the phone company's pockets.

NICK
I'd like to have my hand in her pockets...her BACK pockets, that is! HEYO!

KIRSTEN
Yes, I understood. Because of the ass. But she won't let you do that, as she's greedy.

NICK
Wholesome.

KIRSTEN
Yeah, in the sense that she wants the whole thing to herself.

NICK
That's...not wholesome. That's greedy...Oh.

KIRSTEN
I've never lost an argument, sir, and this is no different.

NICK
I thought you had.

KIRSTEN
I probably have, but I choose not to remember them.

NICK
We should probably just copy and paste this conversation as a start to our promo.

KIRSTEN
This promo will be the best ever. We'll call it "Wrestling is Dead." It'll sell a million copies.

NICK
Hmm. That, then, makes this kind of like a recursive promo. Like that damned, uh, what the hell was that program called that i couldn't figure out… Reverse_Substring. That. Err wait no, Swap_Substring. I was able to figure it out several different ways. But they said I had to come up with four DIFFERENT recursive versions. And there was one particular one that was just beyond me. And I'm like "I made the program work anyway, WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT LIKE THIS.” I walked away with a C.

KIRSTEN
I lost ya. But keep going with it, I might catch on eventually.

NICK
I can't. That's the end of the story.

KIRSTEN
Well then, I guess we've got quite a mess on our hands.

NICK
We shot our wad early on what was supposed to be a dry run.

KIRSTEN
I originally was going to do that line, but then I felt that it wasn't exactly premature...but I don't plame you for going there.

NICK
I wouldn't “plame” myself, either. Quick, allow us to pursue various one-liners about your silly typo, i.e. “The plame, boss! The plame!” or “Dead man walking!” Get it, because you're getting married.

KIRSTEN
No, I don't get it. I mean, honestly. What are you going for with that one? I'm clueless. Marriage is a beautiful institution. Why would you mock it so?

NICK
I'm in a relationship, did you know that?

KIRSTEN
I thought so, but I wasn't sure.

(ACW Hint: The best wrestlers are mere exaggerations of their true selves.)

NICK
It's true. I like HER ass too, so she's like Molly Holly, except that she still has her womanly locks.

KIRSTEN
That's nice. I'm engaged, too. Only, don't tell her that. Because technically, I just intend to drug her and bring her to Vegas, and McMahon-Helmsley this one. But we know that turned out well, so I'm sure I'll end up the same.

NICK
Did you know that they were not TRULY married by that ceremony? But it was merely what some call "Kayfabe."

KIRSTEN
Kay...fabe? Well, I bet that if your NAME was Kay Fabe...that could cause some confusion!

VINCE RUSSO
...what a great idea!

ERIC BISCHOFF
Make it a Kay Fabe on a pole match!

VINCE McMAHON
Make it a Kay Fabe's MOTHER on a pole match!

PAUL HEYMAN
No...no....

John 18:25 Paul Heyman wept.

JESUS
...Damn it, John, let's keep it about me, hmm?

NICK
Jesus would never swear. Look, Kirsten, if we're gonna be working for the same organization, you've got to recognize that I'm going to keep pushing my subtle Christian values on our segments for several months until I secretly injure you and take over the show! It'll be ironic, mostly out of its perpendicularism to the last time we teamed together.

KIRSTEN
Perpendicularism? I thought you just said you were Christian...

NICK
Actually, I'm a Christadelphina. And by Christadelphina, I mean Christadelphian. If you look us up on CARM.org (Christian Apologetics Research Ministry), you'll find that some believe that we are a "cult."

KIRSTEN
Oh, well, I'm in a cult, too. Dylanology. We find salvation in Bob Dylan lyrics.

NICK
Ah, right. I've been meaning to pick up a copy of your scripture, Dylanetics.

KIRSTEN
It'll open your mind, I promise. And if you pay them enough, they'll let you in on the secret of what "Desolation Row" means.

NICK
That sounds halfway fishy. But that still leaves the fish half-empty! I'm in! Just let me go grab my wallet.

Nick heads over to the other side of the locker room, leaving Kirsten to talk to herself. And by "herself", I of course mean the camera and dozens of fans watching this on closed-circuit Detroit-area television.

KIRSTEN
Little does Nick know, but I have secretly replaced his wallet with Folger's coffee. This is gonna be wild!

Nick walks back with a coffee mug.

NICK
This coffee looks more like green tea, but has a very rich taste.

KIRSTEN
I thought you were looking for your wallet?

NICK
Yeah, I found it, but I spent it on the coffee machine in the hallway.

KIRSTEN
Well, sir. It appears I've been made a fool.

NICK
How so?

KIRSTEN
You see, I secretly replaced your wallet with Folger's coffee. However, it appears that was not your wallet, as you appear to have found your wallet in order to purchase this coffee. So my question is, whose wallet did I secretly replace with Folger's coffee?

Suddenly, Chuck Norris walks in, trying to drink a credit card out of his wallet.

KIRSTEN
Chuck Norris?! I thought you were dead!

CHUCK
No. That was you.

Chuck delivers a flying kick from across the room to Kirsten, but she quickly moves out of the way. What are the odds?

NICK
We've been training since you abandoned us, Chuck! AND we've been eating our Senzu beans! But not training.

KIRSTEN
And those weren't technically Senzu beans. They were jelly beans. And some Altoids. And I think I tasted a carrot. How I mistook it for a Senzu bean I'll never know, but I'll be damned if that wasn't a carrot.

NICK
You see, we have a new manager now, Chuck. You're out! And THIS guy's in!

KIRSTEN
Ladies and gentlemen...introducing...the new manager...MISTERRRRR....

Nick and Kirsten stare at the door, before eventually turning back to one another.

KIRSTEN
...I thought you had a guy.

NICK
....I thought YOU had a guy.

KIRSTEN
Well, I obviously have nothing! W-w-w-why would you fire Chuck if you didn't have a guy?!

NICK
I didn't fire him. I disappeared. I thought YOU had a g— I mean, I thought YOU fired him.

KIRSTEN
I, I just...wha...what are we gonna do?! We can't win without a manager! Uh, I, uh...what are our options now?!

NICK
Okay, you know what? Hold on. I have an idea.

Nick whips out his phone and speed dials someone.

NICK
Hey...Yeah...No, I don't have that cake yet...What? I don't care if she's your mother, a deal's a deal. Just meet me at the arena...When? Now, you idiot. I'll expect you in five. I'm sure you can use your SUPER SPEED...

NICK winks at the camera

NICK
...to get here in time...Coke would be good. Yeah. Bye.

KIRSTEN
No Coke, Pepsi!

NICK
...That's not what we were talking about.

KIRSTEN
You were just on the phone with our manager! Who's you get?

NICK
I think Home Improvement's on TBS right now. Let's watch Home Improvement.

KIRSTEN
Are you telling me you got Wilson? Cause I'm pretty sure he's dead. And hey, did you hear...Anna Nicole's dead. I'm surprised the news hasn't been covering that. Big story.

NICK
It has been covering that.

KIRSTEN
Really? Well, I guess I wouldn't know. I only watch the Spanish channel. I have no idea what the hell they're talking about. Seriously. What does "Anna Nicole" mean?

NICK
I'm no Latin major, but I'm pretty sure it means "My ass is hottest when I'm at my fattest.” Which would be a truth for people like me.

KIRSTEN
And that certainly is news.

NICK
What's that supposed to mean?

KIRSTEN
Hey, Home Improvement is on! Let's watch it.

NICK
Okay.

Nick sits down. Kirsten sits down. Chuck turns on the television, but levitates using his kneecaps. Nick and Kirsten simultaneously stall for time, as they both expect the other to do something. They don't.

NICK
Hahaha. "I don't think so, Tim!" Genius.

YOU'RE ALL I EVER WANTED
YOU'RE ALL I EVER NEEDED, YEAAHHH

NICK
Oh! That's me.

Nick grabs his phone.

NICK
Hello?

Kirsten looks at her phone.

KIRSTEN
You never sing to me...

NICK
Yeah, third door on the left. Can't miss it.

Nick hangs up.

NICK
Kirsten, I'd like to introduce you to our new manager, Shannon.

KIRSTEN
Sossamon?! She's a fine actress.

NICK
No no. An even better actress.

The door bursts open, and smoke fills the locker room! Spike Dudley, who's been quietly changing in the corner this entire time, passes out. Strobe lights hit. Nick gets an erection.

SHANNON
YOU RANG, BOSS?!?!?

In walks the man, the myth, the legend....

The showstopper...

The main event...

The game...

The franchise....

The real deal....

Good friend of John Stamos...

Arch nemesis of that guy who played Mr. Wick on The Drew Carey show...

HE IS

SHANNON

MOORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…GASM!

KIRSTEN
Gotta admit. Did not think you had a plan with that one, Italics. But you came through. You always do.

Ain't no thing, mamacita.

CHUCK
Wait a minute, wait a minute. You replaced ME with SHANNON MOORE?!?

SHANNON
The system is a failure.

KIRSTEN
"The System is a Failure" is the title of the Dylanism lecture on "Hurricane!" I didn't know you read Dylanetics!

SHANNON
Big brother is a ploy.

NICK
Uh, what?

SHANNON
Defy progress.

KIRSTEN
Progress was a concept invented by Teddy Roosevelt in order to promote the controversial invention of Van Halen. I've never been a fan of progress.

NICK
Wait, Kirsten. He's not making a whole lot of sense. If he's supposed to talk for us, this might not work out too well. I immediately regret this decision. Also, I agree with your argument about the evolution of Van Halen.

KIRSTEN
It's mostly Valeria Burntenenena's fault, but we can't place all the blame on just one person now, can we?

Shannon
Cities fall.

NICK
That doesn't make sense.

SHANNON
Invade the masses.

NICK
Look, Shannon, I don't think you're going to be very useful for us if all you ever do is recite irrelevant sentences of five words or less.

Spike Dudley starts getting up to his feet.

SPIKE
What...the hell...Not paid enough...I always lose....Unghh....

Without any hesitation at all, Moore rushes over to Chuck Norris, knees him in the balls, reaches into Chuck’s pants, grabs Chuck’s patented chrome combination Roto-Rooter/Aborigine Spear, and uses it to gore Spike Dudley right in the eye! This is clearly payback for the legendary Cruiserweight Wars of 2003.

NICK
……

KIRSTEN
…..

CHUCK
...My balls…My….

Chuck collapses, and Shannon turns around, stoic as ever.

NICK
Shannon, uh…Wow…

Moore slowly walks over to the camera and looks it straight in the eye. Err, lens. Something.

SHANNON
The Backdoor Boys fail.

KIRSTEN
Uh.. What? Are you challenging them for us?

Shannon sends Nick a quick glance filled with malice, and Nick pisses himself.

KIRSTEN
Haha, you wet yourself. This is what happens when you get off of AIM and leave the end of the promo to me. It looks like we’re going to feud with The Backdoor Boys for a week or something, just to get started. So, uh, that’s it. Go away.

SPIKE
…My eye….

CHUCK
…My balls….

NICK
….My pants….

SHANNON
Loss is gain.

NICK
;;

Quick, fade to commercial. That’s it.

[Alicia "Atomic" Kitsune]

Segment: Revenge is like a boomerang (Credit: Zero)

“Simple Man” by Hardcore Superstar hits the PA as we get right into the action here tonight in the jam packed arena. Jay Zero walks out onto the stage, facing the 42,000 people booing him. His black and white boas sway in the air as he tirades down the ramp way with a microphone in hand. He ignores the screaming fans and slides into the ring, throwing his boa onto one of the turnbuckles. He circles the ring a bit before stopping and flipping an obnoxious front row fan off. This sparks more boos as the obviously drunk man looks to jump the barricade, only to be stopped by his buds. The music slowly starts to fade as a security guard is seen calming the man down.

[/center]

Zero: Please….Please, would you all give me your undivided attention? Ahem……..Ladies and Gentlemen, brought to you by the makers of this beautiful earth, the greatest thing to ever hit Auckland, New Zealand, Jay Zerooooooo! [/color]

This cockiness manner does nothing for him, only resulting in more boos.

[/center]

Zero: Okay, okay, onto tonight’s agenda. First off…….last Saturday the entire world succumbed to the delicacy which was Fallen Heroes at the Tokyo Dome. 30 men entered, one walked out victorious. First off, congratulations BK on surviving the treacherous match, and congrats Jake on getting like 5 runner up or whatever you got, I don’t know.

But onto the matters that concerned me……..I was placed, “Lucky” entrant number one. I faced the odds, eliminating Mayor Quimby and a not so stable, returning, has-been Santiago Rivera in my path. However, while eliminating Santiago was totally an example of the Zero-Factor, in retrospect, maybe wasn’t the best thing to do.

Just because Santiago rushes back into ACW, expecting to be praised by all doesn’t mean that the new guy can get the better of him. I took my chance, I eliminated him, and I’m damn proud of it! However, Santi here was too hot-headed and couldn’t believe that he’d been eliminated by such a manly hunk like me, and decided to beat me up a bit. [/color]

This gets a loud cheer and a very faint, Santiago chant starting somewhere.

[/center]

Zero: Yeah, keep cheering back there, it’s not going to change shit, he aint here tonight! [/color]

Booooooo

Zero: As I was saying, Santiago expected to bull-rush the entire Royale, but because he ran into the blockade which was the one man, Zero-Factor in the match, he decided to let revenge get the best of him, dragging me backstage, and brutally beating me. After a while I started to suffer this - - - [/color]

He points to a big bruise on the right side of his face.

[/center]

Zero: - - - And then I suffered these 5 little guys. [/color]

He proceeds to point to several stitches.

[/center]

Zero: That nearly took me out of the match totally, and I blame my elimination by the eventual winner entirely on the unstable, unhealthy, Santiago Rivera.

Rivera, I know you’re not here tonight, and whenever this gets played over in America, I hope you’re watching and paying close attention…..Santiago, you made a pussy move taking me out of the Royale. I could have went far and strong, but you felt that revenge would settle things much smoother. However, Santi, haven’t you ever heard, retaliation gets you no-where. It’s like a boomerang and soon, it’s going to spin around and blow up right back in your face.

Tonight when I go head to head with the dirt bag Jersey boy, Marcus Curtis I want you to watch. I know that you’ve worked with Curtis before so you know that he can be a very tough competitor, and when I come back to this very ring tonight and absolutely destroy him, keep in mind that I’m going to be thinking of you.

So Rivera, whenever you decide to show yourself around these parts, you better watch yourself, ‘cause sooner or later I know that you’re going to have to step back in this ring. You’re going to feel the need to live up to every single expectation that you used to compete for, and you’re going to make your in-ring return, and when it happens, I’ll be there; watching your every move, and listening to every thought that goes through your simple little mind. Santiago, if you try and mess with Zero, you’ll never…..EVER live to tell the tale…of being a hero.
[/color]

He drops the mic and yells out “How’d you like that rhymage?!” before laughing out into the thousands of booing fans. “Simple Man” hits and he drops to the mat, sliding under the bottom rope and out of the ring. He struts his way up the ramp, taunting the front row fans lined up the ramp. He decides not to stop at the top and he just walks straight to the backstage area.

The shot slowly starts to fade as the crowd and the music begins to get quieter. Suddenly, we fade out to black.

End.[/center]

[Alicia "Atomic" Kitsune]

Segment: Illusions (Credit: BK/Jake)

As the segment opens up, Jake Cheng immediately comes on the screen - punching away as he recieves a huge pop from the crowd. He seems to be preparing for his big Light Heavyweight Championship match in the main event against Kudo Yasuda, the two have fought multiple times in the past before and he knows how tough he can be, especially with him having possibly the hardest kicks in ACW.

After a bit of an exhausting work out, he grabs his water and starts guzzling it down before walking over to the mirror. Another part of his preparation is self-affirmations, it helps out his morale and self-esteem going into his match, another training trait he recieved from his partner BK London.

Jake: Four time Light Heavyweight Champion after tonight, there is no way I'm coming out of here without championship gold around my waist. Are you ready?

??: I think the question is...are you ready?

Jake pauses for a second, looking very perplexed, he turns around to see if anyone else is in the locker room with him. But it appears to be empty.

Jake: Hmm...must be hearing things.

??: You're not hearing things at all, you're hearing yourself!

Jake, even more surprised this time by the voice, walks into the bathroom to look if anyone's in there.

Jake: Stan? BK? Are you there?

??: The only one here is yourself.

Jake: ......ok, what the fuck is in this water?

??: Look in the mirror retard.

Sure enough, Jake makes his way to the mirror and he sees his reflection, but it's not exactly following him like it has done in the past.

Jake: Wait...aren't you supposed to be following what I do and stuff? What gives?

??: You're a loser, I don't have to follow you anywhere.

Jake: You're a loser.

Reflection: I'm a loser? I'M A LOSER?! You're the one having a conversation with your own reflection, now be quiet so I can talk. Do you even know why I'm here right now?

Jake: I can honestly say, no I don't.

Reflection: I'm here because I represent your true emotions inside. I represent everyting beneath that little facade you are showcasing to everyone else. I am your TRUE self. And I'm here to give you a little reality check. And the reality is, for year and years you have been stuck in the same place. You have never been given a chance to prove yourself and you have never gotten a chance to reach your full potential because of one thing.

Jake: And what's exactly that?

Reflection: Look behind you.

Jake turns his head around, and he finds himself staring at a huge picture of BK London as he celebrates his Fallen Heroes win on the wall.

Jake: BK? *chuckles* Ok, this has got to be bogus, you're kidding me right?

Reflection: I would like to be, but I'm not. You see, BK London is the one preventing you from being as strong as you can be. Biggest example, last Saturday at Fallen Heroes. You made it to the final two, only to be thrown out by who? BK London. And why? Because he is holding you down and deep inside, you know what.

Jake: I don't know what you are talking about.

Reflection: Come on, BK London is the leader of Top Draw. Everything he says - you do. Everything he goes - you follow. And you resent that deep in your heart because you know you are just as qualified as BK to be the leader of the team. So I ask you, don't hid your resent me, but embrace it.

Jake turns away from his reflection, and stares at BK London's huge picture on the wall as the reflection continues to talk.

Reflection: You have pent up anger inside, and in your anger - lies your strength. Only when you truly realize that, you will be free to grow. Free to change. Free to face your rival, and prove that youa re his equal - or better yet - his superior. BK realized this a long time ago, and what did that get him? The ACW Heavyweight Championship - imagine what it could do for you?

It seems as if all these words from his reflection are sinking in, whether it is a phenomenon or not. Has he really been fooled? Has he really been held down? As he scans through the mind of his past, looking to see where he went wrong, even more hard hitting words come from his reflection.

Reflection: Friendship. Trust. Loyalty. *light chuckle*...they're all just words...all just illusions, because ultimately, the only person you can depend on is yourself. Now look at me....LOOK AT ME!

He doesn't want to necessarily stare at his true emotions speaking to him, but everything he says seems to be right. Seems to be truthful. Jake stares at his reflection as it looks back at him, with his cold blue eyes.

Reflection: In order to realize how strong you really are, how strong we know you really are, you must defeat BK London. Defeat BK London, or forced to be contempt in living in his shadows...forever.

The reflection places his hand up on the glass, and Jake does so also, and for a second it feels like they can almost touch - put in the blink of an eye - the reflection returns back to normal, following Jake's every move.

What exactly has just happened right now is unknown, but Jake is forced to make a harsh decision. Will he live a lie for the rest of his life, not knowing how strong he really is, or will he take out the man who has been holding him down in ACW for years.
Fade Out.

[Alicia "Atomic" Kitsune]

Match 2: Jay Zero vs. Marcus Curtis (Credit: Hunter)

Although far from the ranks of the most technical wrestlers in ACW (or the world for that matter), both Zero and Curtis could be and have been considered very powerful and careful tacticians. So going into the match, both men already had a clear strategy mapped out, and it is match-ups like this that the audience always tends to enjoy. They started off with a few tests of powers, and eventually Curtis broke one with a kick to the midsection, which he followed with a release northern lights suplex. Zero recovered quickly and charged at Curtis for a lariat. Curtis ducked it and went from a dropkick, but Zero swatted him down to the ground and put him into a Mexican surfboard stretch, which he was able to sustain only briefly, as Curtis was able to break it and roll back up to his feet.

After this brief intro, the fighting intensified slightly, and the two men exchanged impressive maneuvers. As Curtis got Zero up for the torture rack backbreaker, the latter was able to do a back flip over Curtis' shoulders, and was then able to hit him with a suplex. He covered, but only got a two count. Curtis then blocked an Irish Whip with one of his own, and charged after Zero. When Zero turned around, Curtis was able to hit him with his tilt-a-whirl Russian leg sweep, but this move also gets him a two count. Curtis then lifted Zero up and stalled in the suplex position, and just seconds before he was about to drop him for a brainbuster, Zero flipped forward, pushed Curtis into the ropes, and the second that Curtis turned around, Zero nailed him with a vicious looking Zero-Sen Kick. He covered quickly, but to his own dismay, Curtis was able to kick out.

Zero fought strongly for a few minutes, but eventually Curtis was able to gain the upper hand. This happened when Zero grabbed him for the Zero Chance. Intelligently, Curtis spun around, grabbed Zero quickly, and nailed a butterfly suplex without a stall as he usually does. He covered, but Zero kicked out incredibly close to the three. Clearly flustered, Curtis grabbed his legs and attempted to lock in a sharpshooter, but Zero battled back, and was able to kick Curtis away completely. He then kipped up and the two exchanged a few strikes, until eventually Zero lifted a semi-stunned Curtis up for the Zero Darkness. He was just about to hit the move, but Curtis was able to keep his weight down, causing Zero to be unable to lift him onto his shoulders. Curtis then reversed the weight and got Zero onto his shoulders for the Harambee, but just before he could hit it, Zero threw all of his weight back, and caused Curtis to fall back into a crucifix pin. He kicked out...but unfortunately for him, it was less than a second after the referee counted the three. Although Zero was able to happily celebrate his incredibly close victory against Curtis, the latter was forced to leave the ring both disappointed and furiously.

[Alicia "Atomic" Kitsune]

Segment: Our Time (Credit: Wyvern / Stark / Shawn)

The arena is still buzzing with all of the events that have gone on here so far tonight, but the night is still very young. People are in the process of trying to get their refreshments, snacks, whathaveyou, before the next match or significant event occurs here tonight. However, their downtime is quickly interrupted when a very unfamiliar song to ACW fans is played. It turns out to be “This Night” by Black Lab.

“There are things, I have done
There's a place, I have gone
There's a beast, and I let run
Now it's running my way

There are things, I regret
But you can't forgive, you can't forget
There's a gift, that you send
You sent it my way

So take this night
Wrap it around me like a sheet
I know I'm not forgiven
But I need a place to sleep

So take this night
And lay me down on the street
I know I'm not forgiven
But I hope that I'll be given some peace”

Confused fans quickly begin to boo, as Alexander Starkweather and his confidant Umeko Saito stroll through the entranceway in tow. They stop at the top of the ramp, as the newly “modified” Wyvern steps through the entranceway, which elicits an extremely hostile reaction from the crowd. Grinning devilishly, Wyvern walks down the ramp, holding his newly acquired World title over his shoulder. The devious trio enter the ring almost simultaneously. The trio get settled in ring, as Wyvern calls for a mic, sizing down the crowd before speaking, waiting a moment for the boos to subside.

Wyvern: Well, if it isn’t the land of the idiots!

Cheap heat. REAL cheap heat.

Wyvern: I mean, seriously! Just like that lamb to the slaughter, Senator, you’ve all been blind to my inevitable “awakening”. I thought ACW fans would be smarter than this – you guys DO read message boards, right?

The crowd spits back hostility at Wyvern, as the fans question his beliefs in life, as well as maintaining kayfabe.

Wyvern: You all are to bow before us! We completely own the ACW, and we’re going to drive it into the ground, and destroy it from the foundation.

”Wyvern Sucks” chants boom through the arena, which doesn’t do anything to Wyvern, nor Stark and Umeko, who look completely unfazed by the hostility. In fact, it seems like they feed off of it.

Wyvern: Have you not realized how many times I’ve been held down? Omega Effect, does that ring a bell?! That was my ONLY shot in almost THREE years! I’ve been a headliner for the better part of my stay, and that’s all the gratitude I’ve received? You people sicken me like no other. In fact, I’m glad I took down your hero, the Senator. I proved to you all how heroes can fall in a heartbeat. But villains…no…they LAST FOREVER!

Garbage starts to get thrown into the ring. Apparently, fans don’t like getting talked down to.

Wyvern: I’m the Modern Day Judas! This belt is my 30 silver, and to you insubordinate scumbags, Senator is your…martyr. But alas! My accomplices here are more company than Judas ever had, and they’ll ensure the survival of themselves and me. We’re going to completely turn this circus of an organization on its head, and no one, NO ONE will be able to speak to the contrary! Our brawn is nothing compared to our combined wit, and we’ll use both to bring about the total annihilation of ACW!

Wyvern looks far from finished as Umeko quickly swipes the microphone right from his hand without so much as a word or a glance. He glares at her, but calms himself quickly with a wry smirk

Umeko: I concur with my traitorous ally… I watched on with absolute elation as my good Doctor nailed Senator Phillips to a cross…not of wood…but to a cross built out of his own legacy. He was at the top of the world after besting my Tiger…and now where is he? Where were the Senatorial Stable, my constant foes, be now? They can’t even trust one another…because now they know how deep my claws can reach. Men are easily corrupted…be it for gold or power. Every man has something he covets…something just out of reach…and he will do anything and betray any cause to get it. That is my power, ACW…I will exploit all weaknesses to forward my cause…and it just so happens that we three have a mutual cause. We will ruin this company and we will do it together. Why? Because…there is honor amongst thieves.

Wasting no time, Wyvern swipes the mic back from his petite Japanese associate.

Wyvern: And you might be wondering, why did I side with these two? Simple. Dr. Starkweather and Ms. Saito are the only people I can find company with, that I can match wits with. Unlike the Senatorial Stable, where the most intellectual person has found himself using his brains to fullest…in the grave.

Extreme heat at the disrespect of the fallen stable member, as Wyvern laughs maniacally.

Wyvern: Together, we comprise the most elite and powerful faction in the history of the ACW! And like I said, no one will be able to prove to the contrary! Not the Senatorial Stable, no one! Not even BK London, who will quickly be vanquished at Omega Effect III, like a bug under my foot! Face it, we’re smarter than all of you, we’re stronger than all of you…we’re BETTER than all of you!

Starkweather deliberately walks to the rather elated new champion and extracts the microphone from his grip, the crowd's boos becoming overwhelming for a moment before he is able to talk. He simply waits, patient as stone, for it to die down before he speaks.

Starkweather: ...Did I not tell you? Didn't you see this coming? No? I recall telling all of you, all of you watching and everyone seething with anger at the very sight of the world champion that your combined might was nothing compared to the tactical mastermind that I am. There is no hope for you now, the first domino has been shoved and the chain reaction will bring this empire crashing down around your ears. I am Xerxes, I will conquer the world and my armies will come from your very own ranks. Give it time, children, give it time... The execution's date has been set, your time is now limited. Go now, and die in whatever way seems best to you.

The crowd just boos this to high heaven; with just a hint of a mirthless smile, Starkweather leads the exodus from the ring.

Fade.

[Alicia "Atomic" Kitsune]

Segment: At the Colt Cabana (Credit: Michael)

Shannon Moore runs through the door, lifts up Nick Durden, and gives him a Death Valley Driver through the table. Then the table suddenly disappears, just like WWF No Mercy for the Nintendo 64. Shannon then disappears, leaving Kirsten Carter the brunt of activity for the next several minutes of the promo.

...

However, Shannon does not disappear in a blinking fashion like the table just did. Just so you know.

...

He disappears in a puff of smoke.

KIRSTEN
What the hell was that? Shannon WHORE?! Oh. My mistake. You see, I meant to say Who-ore, as in the Mango reference to say Who-fleck, but with Moore. Unfortunately, it came out like Whore. Well, isn't that a bit of a conundrum. I think. I'm not quite sure what a conundrum is, actually...but it sounds like it could be delicious...maybe when Nick snaps out of this Death Valley Coma, we can go out for a couple of conundrums...

Groaning and confused, Nick slowly makes his way back to consciousness, but not TOO quickly!

NICK
...What...? Yeah, what? I heard the word "conundrum", and I shall therefore honor thine request, good sir.

KIRSTEN
Great! But of course, I'm new to Arizona, and therefore am unaware of the local whereabouts. Do you know where the local "Cabana" is?

NICK
Well, he used to live in Chicago, but I hear he's moving to Stamford. Wait, what did you just ask?

KIRSTEN
Cabana. It's this lovely kind of restaurant, bar, grille, thing, where all the women dress like scantily clad men. It's really quite arousing. I think one of them tried to hit on me. Anyway, if their conundrums are anything like their daiquiris, I can't wait to have one.

NICK
Here's a conundrum, for you.

Nick whips out a Bible and starts flipping through pages.

KIRSTEN
Oh, I've seen one of those before! Are you going to do a magic trick?

NICK
No no, this is a Bible, not an Encyclopedia. I never really memorized those memory verses back in Sunday School, but I remember the basic gist of it all...

KIRSTEN
Oh. Well, you know, the thickness confused me some...

NICK
Yeah yeah. The key difference is that the Encyclopedia isn't the go-to book for information about everything. Ah! Here we go. "Moses wrote for us that if a man's brother dies and leaves a wife but no children, the man must marry the widow and have children for his brother." Luke 20:28.

Nick nods with a look of conclusiveness.

KIRSTEN
I think...no, I know...I saw an episode of Rescue Me about that very topic! I knew that Denis Leary was a moral man.

NICK
So, there's a conundrum within all of this, right?

KIRSTEN
Yes. Denis Leary drinks a lot. I guess he drinks conundrums, which led him to his life of fealty for the lord. Is there anything in the Bible about drinking? Because there's certainly nothing of it in Dylanetics...of course, my OD levels are quite low...

NICK
For the record, Kirsten, I believe you may have joined a cult.

KIRSTEN
You're lying. I don't believe you. Of course, however...I don't quite see how telling people to play "Like A Rolling Stone" quote, ****ing loud, unquote, will at all bring upon salvation...

NICK
I'm pretty sure he did that to spite an audience of British folk singers. Or smite. After all, according to your religion, he has that ability. Also, you probably didn't think I'd know what you were talking about, did you?

KIRSTEN
No, no he doesn't. He's not a messianic figure, he's just the one that the messianic figure talks to. And it IS quite odd that you know so much about this.

NICK
I've dabbled in various world philosophies.

KIRSTEN
In that case, I have a question about the philosophy of the Raelians, if you don't mind.

NICK
Shoot!

Score!

...Sorry. I'm done.

KIRSTEN
So. The Raelians. What the hell is up with those guys?

NICK
Well, the problem is that they were originally labeled the "Raphaelians," back in the early 800's A.D. Unfortunately, thanks to a ban by the Moors on placing the letters A, P, and H together in that order, their universe was turned upside-down. It was all very much like an episode of Quantum Leap.

KIRSTEN
Well, I'll be darned. And I thought they were just crazy.

NICK
Oh, no. Fanatics are not fanatics without being pushed around by the White House first. Just ask Bob Dylan.

KIRSTEN
Yeah, yeah...hey, there’s a camera in here.

NICK
Yeah, I got a match or something.

KIRSTEN
Oh. We should probably talk about that.

NICK
Well, we’ve managed to introduce ourselves. That’s always the hardest part.

KIRSTEN
Actually, not quite. That was really easy. The hardest part is making the nonsense into sense.

NICK
Touche. Who am I fighting, again?

KIRSTEN
Oh, like I read the cards.

NICK
Memory strikes! You are facing The Zombie and Macho Libre!

KIRSTEN
Excellent!

NICK
Well, the other day, I was researching them and came up with this biography if you will. “Generic Comical Gimmicks for Dummies.”

Nick hands Kirsten the bio. Don’t ask how. I’m just the narrator.

KIRSTEN
This is no use, all it says about them is that they smoke. Tobacco.

NICK
No man, I don't smoke. I just smoke chumps like you on the b-ball court.

KIRSTEN
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Nice try, lil bro, but you gotta come up wif' somethin' betta' to say, man.

NICK
It was all I could think of! HAHAHAHAHA let's go home.

KIRSTEN
Alright. You got any E there?

NICK
No. Focus. BACK TO THE MATCH!!

KIRSTEN
WHAT HO, APOTHECARY! I mean. Yes, back to the match.

Nick and Kirsten stare at each other silently. Kirsten blinks.[/i]

NICK
So...this match we’ve got later tonight...

TNA FANS
*CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP*

NICK
Quiet, you fans.

KIRSTEN
Well, you may think it's awful, but the fans seem to be clapping for my wit.

TNA FANS (SIDE A)
LET'S GO WIIIIT.

TNA FANS (SIDE B)
LET'S GO RUSSO

MIKE TENAY
And you can see how these fans are showing appreciation for BOTH competitors in this matchup! They are clearly the most intelligent fans in the world!

DON WEST
LOOK AT ALL THESE BASEBALL CARDS SAMOA JOE BLARRGHH SANDWICHES!!!!!

KIRSTEN
I agree with Don West. People always questioned the sandwich baseball card, but I felt it added character to a dead series.

NICK
That is true, but only the penicillin-flavored sandwiches. So hey, do you know anything about this Wyldcard? I can't seem to find anything about them on ACW.gov. Aside from that bad bio I showed you already.

KIRSTEN
Well, they appear to be only mediocre now, but they're aiming for excellence. And that they haven't won a match in seventeen years. And also, I'm not a compulsive liar. They told me that last one, which is how it relates to them.

NICK
So you've communicated with the enemy! Did you succumb to their threats of death and mayonnaise sandwiches?

DON WEST
AHAHAHAHHGAGGHGGHHHGHHH

KIRSTEN
The second one, yes. It was delicious. Almost as good as a conundrum.

NICK
....well, since we have no reason to prepare myself against this mediocre tag team, what say we go find this cabana of yours?

KIRSTEN
Sounds like a novel idea. In fact, while walking away, perhaps we should say something along the lines of "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." Of course, we have been friends for years...but I think we should say it anyway!

NICK
Let's not. You grab the car, I'll go grab Shannon... if I can... or want.

KIRSTEN
Hooray! To the Wonder-Mobile! Also known as the car!

NICK
Hooray! To certain death!

And so they traveled to certain death.

NICK
AHEM! That’s not what you’re being paid to say!

But I wanna go home!

NICK
On with it!

FINE! And so they traveled to the Cabana. Somehow they get there without any problems, despite the fact that they don’t know where they were going, and I’m relatively sure they aren’t in Arizona. But they are in the Cabana.

NICK
Well, that was one hell of a trip.

KIRSTEN
I know. And the stuff we said to each other...brilliant, brilliant comedy.

NICK
Only a lazy editor wouldn’t allow the world to see that. It was perhaps our most brilliant moment.

KIRSTEN
Sure was.

NICK
So, are we gonna pick up some conundrums or what?

KIRSTEN
Right oh.

The two walk over to the bar. They pass one of the “women dressed as a man,” whom Kirsten offers a second look whilst devilishly smiling. Nick looks on with disappointment. They reach the bar. The bartender is not paying attention to them, and his face is off camera.

KIRSTEN
Hello, good sir. My brother and I would like to try some “Conundrums.”

BARTENDER
Well, I’ve got some bad news for you...

The bartender turns around. It’s Barry Manilow!

BARRY
But a conundrum is not a drink.

KIRSTEN
What a conundrum we find ourselves in!

NICK
...yeah, I knew that. I was pretty sure it meant hard problem.

KIRSTEN
Certainly, it is...but hey! Barry Freakin’ Manilow’s here! Maybe he’ll sing “Copacabana” for us!

BARRY
Oh, I don’t know about th...

A woman walks by and hands Barry a microphone.

BARRY
Alrighty!

The lights go out and a stage light focuses on Barry. He jumps on the bar, while the patrons of the cabana begin to watch him intently.

BARRY
Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl
With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there
She would merengue and do the cha-cha
And while she tried to be a star, Tony always tended bar
Across a crowded floor, they worked from 8 till 4
They were young and they had each other
Who could ask for more?

Suddenly, and without warning...

Most sudden things do happen without warning.

Hey, who the hell are you?

I’m the other narrator. I don’t make many appearances.

...have we used this joke before?

If we don’t remember, they don’t remember.

Good point.

So, you were saying, about the sudden thing?

Oh, yeah. Suddenly, Barry Manilow is speared by an imposing force in a suit. Loud crashes are heard, as would be expected since Barry had been speared into many drinks. A battle behind the bar ensues, with choice phrases being heard.

ATTACKER
You talentless!

BARRY
What did I do to you?!

ATTACKER
Worthless, terrible singer...

BARRY
Come on, now...

ATTACKER
Emmy winning garbage...

BARRY
...Stephen?

STEPHEN?
You haven’t earned the right!

A final blow is presumably delivered, and the victor stands up. It is indeed Stephen. Stephen Colbert. Of the Colbert Report. He breathes slightly heavily, only to smile and pull out a rag, which he uses to clean the bar.

STEPHEN
What can I get you fine gents?

KIRSTEN
We’d like a couple conundrums, sir.

NICK
We already established that’s not a drink.

KIRSTEN
Well, we based that on knowledge Barry Manilow gave us. You don’t believe everything he says, do you? Lola? A showgirl? I know her well, I play chess with her father, she’s no hussy.

NICK
There’s more than one Lola on this Earth, you know...

KIRSTEN
No there isn’t.

NICK
Alright...

STEPHEN
So, do you two do this all the time? Forget there’s someone else here and just start talking amongst yourselves?

KIRSTEN
Daily!

STEPHEN
Well, anyway...the little one’s right, there’s no such drink. I could get you two a pair of Colt .45's, though.

NICK
Wait a minute...Colt...and we’re in a Cabana...Colt Cabana!

KIRSTEN
Yeah! Wait, what?

NICK
Um...huh. I haven’t thought that far into it. But I’m sure he’s involved.

KIRSTEN
Well, isn’t that him over there?

Kirsten points over there.

NICK
It is him!

KIRSTEN
Shall we go?

NICK
Let us.

The two begin to depart.

STEPHEN
Uh, guys?

The two depart faster. The reach Colt and sit down across the table from him. Colt looks up only to find the two of them staring directly into his eyes, unflinchingly.

COLT
...hello.

NICK
HI!

KIRSTEN
What my brother here is trying to say, is hello.

COLT
Yeah, I got that. Who are you and why are you here?

KIRSTEN
We’re wrestlers from ACW.

COLT
I wouldn’t know anything about that.

Nick and Kirsten laugh, Colt does not.

COLT
No, that wasn’t a sarcastic joke. I really can’t help you there.

NICK
Oh.

KIRSTEN
Why exactly did you want to talk to this man?

NICK
Um...because...you know, I was...I was just thinkin...you know, maybe...something...LIKE YOU HAD ANY BETTER IDEAS!

KIRSTEN
STOP YELLING AT ME IN FRONT OF COLT!

NICK
I YELL BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME YELL!

COLT
THIS IS THE WORST CHRISTMAS EVER!

Nick and Kirsten stare at Colt.

COLT
...sorry. Force of habit. Anyway...

Suddenly, and without warning...

Didn’t we have this discussion already?

Something can be sudden and yet expected. Just...unexpected given the time. And therefore, it would be sudden and without warning.

Give me one example.

Well, the apocalypse. You might know it’s gonna happen eventually, like down the line, but it’ll still be sudden and yet you’ve been warned.

But not with the proper specificity.

Can we just agree to disagree?

No, I can’t just give up on something this important to me.

COLT
YOU’RE RUINING CHRISTMAS AGAIN!

...Colt Cabana is hit by a sudden attack by Shannon Moore. It’s a hurricanrana (hurricane frog) type move, which somehow manages to knock out both Kirsten and Nick as well. Shannon stands up and smiles.

SHANNON
What has two thumbs and is the best wrestler ever?

Shannon points to himself.

SHANNON
Shannon Moore!

Shannon runs off and the camera shuts off. Yes, that’s really the end of the promo. Like most fun things, it ended with a sudden and unexpected Mooregasm.

[Alicia "Atomic" Kitsune]

Match 3: Adrian Flamingo & Nick Durden vs. Macho Libre and The Zombie

The crowd is expecting this match to be nothing more than a glorified exhibition for two of ACW’s most charismatic characters, and things certainly start in that vein with Flamingo taking the lead against the Zombie. Flamingo quickly scopes out his opponent, and after trading a few blows unleashes his real strength with a vertical suplex which sets up the first pin. Zombie shows considerably more life than his name would suggest and kicks out at 2; Flamingo whips him into the corner as he stands and tries to close him down, but Zombie ducks under Flamingo’s arm and escapes to tag in his partner.

Libre enters the match fired up, and really takes the fight to Flamingo, even going so far as to perform a neat headscissors. His pin attempt, however, is over before it begins, as Flaming kips up, poses, and then counters his opponent’s running attack into a hip toss. With his legendary shout of “Who you gonna call?!” Flamingo whips the crowd up even as he whips his opponent and perfectly hits the Ghostbuster (Slingshot Brainbuster). The cover follows for a solid 2.

On the apron, Nick is becoming slightly irritated, and calls for the tag. Flamingo is fairly satisfied with things and makes the switch without complaint, and there is a pop from the crowd as Nick enters the ring. He goes straight to work on Libre, lashing him with rapid kicks, but his enthusiasm makes him just a little careless, and Libre is able to escape Nick’s attempt at the Fall from Grace (Flipping Fireman’s Carry Slam), get behind him and produce a bridging German Suplex. Nick breaks out well before the 2, but this doesn’t stop Libre from tagging Zombie back in.

Zombie lurches at Nick and lands a nasty kick to his chest before the Boom can get back to his feet. Nick rolls over and stands to be taunted by Zombie, but refuses to be drawn and instead backs his opponent up against the ropes. The crowd cheers as Nick’s attacks mount; they build until Nick is able to let rip with his Gyroscope Kick, always a great crowd pleaser. Nick makes the cover, but he’s forgotten to move Zombie from the ropes and his opponent gets his feet up to the bottom rope in the nick of time. Flamingo stamps and urges Nick on from the sidelines; Nick frowns slightly, and determinedly pulls Zombie up, wanting to put his z-list opponent away now without further delay.

Nick goes to whip Zombie away from him; however, Zombie is cunning, and reverses the whip just as the referee moves into the right (or possibly wrong) place. Nick hurtles into the startled official, knocking him down; in the resulting chaos, Libre enters the ring and he and Zombie start to double team Nick. Flamingo isn’t having that, of course, and the crowd goes wild as the two rivals for once show what devastating promise they hold as a combination, absolutely ruling the ring as Flamingo takes Libre down with the Cradle Robber (Hangman’s Neckbreaker) and then holds Zombie up for Nick to hit him with a flying crossbody from the top turnbuckle. The fans love it, and Nick returns the favour by holding Zombie as Flamingo gears up for the Bionic Elbow. Flamingo can’t resist showboating, however, and Zombie is gaining valuable recovery time… so much so that when Flamingo finally goes for the strike, Zombie breaks free and ducks, causing Flamingo to nail his own partner. The crowd is shocked, and Zombie slides out of the ring as Libre dives in and rolls up Flamingo without warning. The referee, groggy from the hit, sees this and makes the count, 1…2…3-

Flamingo kicks, but it’s a fraction late, and that’s all it takes.

Philip: Here are your winners… Macho Libre, and the Zombie!

The crowd is stunned at this huge upset… but not as much as Flamingo and Nick. Nick doesn’t take it well; he rolls out of the ring and storms off, leaving a still dazed Flamingo to try and work out what happened as his opponents celebrate their most unlikely victory.

Fade to the break.