Thursday Night Meltdown 29th December 2005

[Yoko Satoshi]

Thursday Night Meltdown 29th December 2005

Schedule of Matches: None.

No matches today, silly. Today’s show is my New Year’s Special, remember? I’ve written a story for everyone. Before we get started, the story needs a bit of background.

It originally began as a story our old friend Kross was writing with major help from me. He never finished it, obviously. But I want to give a little credit to him anyway for a couple of ideas. And although none of his original text appears and was completely rewritten, I kept the time period of ACW the same as when the idea was conceived. That is why people like Ridley and Jade are in it, as well as Mr. Floppy, and why none of the more recent guys are. I also had to use some people a lot more than others due to role requirements, so you may not be in it for more than a line or two.

If any of you recent additions to ACW don’t know who someone is, please ask someone, for maximum understanding.

With that said, let’s begin.

This is a Halberd II Production.

Yoko Satoshi presents

Woz

[Yoko Satoshi]

It was a dark and stormy night. Not really, I just think that that’s the best way to open a story. It grabs the attention of the reader because they can’t believe such a cliché is being used. Regardless, it was definitely not a dark and stormy night. It was actually the middle of the day. Though, there WERE some clouds and it was windy, so you could argue it was at least a little dark and or stormy. But, on with the story.

It was summer in ACW, and the company was on tour. Japan, Europe, Mexico, Australia, and even little Latveria got some ACW visits. On this day, though, ACW was somewhere in America on the tail end of the grand summer tour. The arena was a big one, and it was special because it had no roof. It was an outside arena. If you must know why, it’s because the fans love outside arenas. It’s a nice change of scenery and it pulls in extra ratings.

Yoko Satoshi had just finished doing what she does best, which is Yokoberging some poor sap. I think it was Davey Marvel or someone like that, it’s not important to the story. What IS important is that the show was over, and people were evacuating the arena while the stars packed. A storm was brewing and no one wanted to be caught in it.

That’s how our little story begins. At this point we switch from past tense to present tense before I, the omniscient omnipresent narrator, begin to sound like your grandfather telling a story about the Dust Bowl. I’ll see you again at the end. Or maybe not, unless you need closure.

With the accompaniment of high tech wavy lines and harp sound effects, we fade in on the never before seen common room of the ACW locker room. Possibly never before seen because it’s exclusive to this specific sports arena with no roof. Yoko Satoshi can be seen with a microphone, she is apparently singing. Everyone is gathered around. We pick up in mid song.

Yoko(Singing): …Why then, oh why can't I?
Some day I'll wish upon a star,
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me,
Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
Away above the chimney tops,
That's where you'll find me,
Somewhere over the rainbow,
Bluebirds fly,
Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly,
Beyond the rainbow,
Why, oh why can't I?

She bows as the song ends. The locker room claps for her. Ginger quite suddenly runs into the room to ruin the mood as he’s done in these situations for like two years.

Ginger: What do you guys think you’re doing?

BK: Karaoke.

Ginger: Wonderful. Karaoke. WHY AREN’T YOU PACKING?!

Daredevil: We’re mostly packed, sheesh. What’s the rush?

Ginger: Storm warning’s turned into a tornado warning, we need to get out of here before it touches down.

AK: …But if there’s a tornado, shouldn’t we stay here? In a building?

Ginger: If we stay here until it’s over, we have a good chance of being late to the next show.

Some of the ACW technical crew rush into the room, they’re out of breath.

Ginger: Oh yay, there’s a problem, right?

Crewman#1: It’s too crazy out there, we can’t deconstruct the ring. Johnson almost got swept away by the wind. We’re not going anywhere in this weather, sir.

Ginger: Great. Just great. I guess you can get back to your karaoke, then. Just make sure you’re packed for sure so we can leave the moment that the storm dies down.

Rena: Hey Yoko, stop hogging the microphone. You’re not the only singer here.

Yoko hands Rena the microphone and sits down on her luggage.

Jade: You’re not the only singer either, Rena. It was my turn after Yoko.

Rena: Like hell it was. I have the microphone now.

Jade: No fair!

Ginger: Stop fighting, just do a duet.

Jade: Fine.

Rena: Hey Rosie, why don’t you get in here too? We’ll have a sexy three way!

Jade: Yeah!

Rose sighs and steps up to Rena and Jade.

BK: Hey AK, why don’t you get in there too? We’ll have a Wench Quartet.

AK: Funny. Did you think that one up yourself?

Yoko: Hey, Mr. Floppy, do you-

She realizes that she forgot something very important.

Yoko: OH MY GOD, I LEFT MR. FLOPPY IN THE RING!

She jumps up and rushes for the corridor to the ring.

Ginger: Hey, you can’t go out there!

She’s long gone before he even finishes.

BK: Should we go after her?

Ginger: …Eh. She’ll be fine.

[Yoko Satoshi]

The weather is noticeably unstable the moment Yoko runs through the curtain and out of the entrance. She’s having trouble keeping her footing. Hundreds of steel chairs are flying around in the air, as well as some of the steel barricades and various other debris. She thinks she sees a cow amongst it all.

Yoko: Mr. Floppy! Where are you?!

Mr. Floppy: YOU HAVE A REALLY BAD HABIT OF FORGETTING ME, YOU KNOW!

She follows his voice the best she can. He’s still in the ring, grasping one of the top ropes for dear life. She runs to the ring. She’s lifted off of her feet briefly by the wind but is put down again just as fast. She rolls into the ring and grabs Mr. Floppy, as well as the rope for stability.

Yoko: I’m sorry! Come on, we have to get back. This is a bad storm!

Just then, one of the steel chairs flying around hits Yoko across the forehead. She stumbles but does not fall.

Mr. Floppy: Yeah, this is bad. That just cut you. We should go.

Yoko: I’m having trouble staying grounded, I think I could fly off if I let go of this rope.

There’s a particularly loud roar of wind. They look up at the darkened sky and clouds that are passing by far too quickly, and see a familiar but unwelcome shape entering the arena from the sky; a funnel.

Mr. Floppy: That has bad news written all over it.

Without warning, the tornado sweeps up the ring itself. It begins to spin rapidly, though never overturning, as Yoko tries to maintain her balance.

??: Hehehehehe!

Yoko thinks she must be hearing things, it sounded like someone was laughing. She looks out into the chaos and swears she sees an Asian girl on a broom. Whatever it was, the ring quickly passed it. Suddenly, the forces pushing Yoko around shift.

Yoko: Oh God, we’re falling now!

After what seems like forever, the rings crashes down to the Earth with a loud boom. Yoko fell to the mat long before it hit. Everything is quiet. She slowly lifts her head to look around. The ring’s poles are still standing and the ropes are still attached, it’s a true testament to the people who built it.

It takes a moment, but the scenery begins flooding into her brain. Giant trees with leaves of all colors, tiny yet brilliantly built houses, a small brook with a stone bridge over it. She rolls out of the ring and lands on a road made of yellow bricks. She is in awe.

Yoko: Mr. Floppy, I don’t think we’re in ACW anymore.

She takes a few cautious steps, taking in the sights. She keeps noticing new things, such as peacock type creatures off in the distance with sparkling red feathers, and a large fountain in the middle of the unusually large town square, unusually large for such a tiny village anyway, spraying up jets of every color of water.

Something in the sky catches her eye. It’s a tiny pink ball, and it’s making its way down to her and Mr. Floppy, growing bigger all the while. Yoko looks around for some place to hide, but there’s no suitable place to shield herself from this thing in the sky.

Mr. Floppy: First a tornado, now UFOs. What next, an army of midgets?

The ball, now person sized, lands in front of Yoko and pops. Standing in front of her now is a beautiful redhead dolled up like a fairy princess, complete with tiara, star wand, and butterfly wings. Not to mention a gigantic crimson frilly dress. She greatly resembles someone Yoko knows.

Yoko: …AK? Is that you?

AK: If I look like someone you know, it is merely coincidence. My name isn’t AK, it’s Alicia.

Yoko: But her name is also-

AK: Quiet. You can call me AK if you desire to that much.

Yoko: Right then. So…AK…What’s going on here?

AK: The Munchkins summoned me, they said that a new wench has just dropped a house of some sort on the Wicked Wench of the East, replacing her. So, are you a good wench, or a bad wench?

Yoko: What? I’m not a wench, I’m Yoko. Yoko Satoshi, from Okinawa. Of ACW fame.

AK: Then is that dog in your arms the wench?

Yoko: No, that’s my stuffed rabbit, Mr. Floppy.

AK: Well then, I’m a tad perplexed. This flat house came flying from the sky, and the Munchkins said you were in it. There’s the house, and here you are, and THAT, is all that remains of the Wicked Wench of the East.

Yoko: It’s not a house, it’s a ring, and…

She points toward the ACW ring with her wand, Yoko follows it. She gasps in terror. Someone in a green bikini is laying under one of the corner posts. Or would be laying under it if they were still intact. The corner had apparently landed on her torso, cutting her in half and killing her. A broomstick lays beside of her. Yoko recognizes her too.

Yoko: …Oh God, I’ve killed Jade.

[Yoko Satoshi]

AK: Yes, Jade, the Wicked Wench of the East. She is not the same Jade you seem to know. You’ve ended her reign of tyranny, something only another wench could do. So what the Munchkins want to know is, are you a good wench, or a bad wench?

Yoko: I’ve already told you, I’m not a wench. Wenches are evil and are whores and dress like tramps.

There’s giggling from every direction. Yoko looks around in a panic, but sees nothing.

Yoko: What was that?

AK: The Munchkins. They’re laughing because I am a wench. I’m Alicia, the Good Wench of the North.

Yoko: You are?! But you’re not trampy at all! I’ve never heard of a classy wench before.

AK: Only bad wenches are trampy.

Yoko: …Just so we’re on the same page, your use of wench is synonymous with what I know of as a witch, right?

AK: Magic using female, right? Pretty much, yeah.

The giggling is heard again.

AK: The Munchkins want you to know that they’re happy you’ve freed them from Jade.

Yoko: Excuse me, but you keep mentioning these Munchkins. I don’t see anything, and I don’t know what they are.

AK: Munchkins are the little people who live in this land. It’s a very tiny land called Munchkinland, you can easily see from one end of it to the next.

Yoko: Well I’ve never heard of Munchkinland in my lessons on United States geography.

AK: United States? No, this is the country of Woz. Munchkinland is a small county of Woz.

There is more giggling.

AK: This should delight you, you’re now their national heroine.

Mr. Floppy(Whispering to Yoko): I bet this wench is evil too, I bet she’s making these Munchkins up.

AK: I heard that. That’s nonsense, they’re just shy. Especially now that Yoko is their hero. Munchkins, it’s all right. You may all come out and thank her. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, come out and thank her.

AK points her wand at various places.

AK(Singing): Come out, come out, wherever you are,
And meet the young lady who fell from a star.

Really small people begin to emerge from the bushes, they were blending in really well.

AK(Singing): She fell from the sky, she fell very far,
And ACW she says is the name of the star!
She brings you good news, or haven’t you heard?
When she fell out of ACW, a miracle occurred.

Yoko shakes her head as the Munchkins begin to circle around her in large numbers.

Yoko(Singing): It really was no miracle, what happened was just this,
The wind begin to switch, the ring to pitch,
And suddenly the poles began to unhitch,
Just then, the witch, to satisfy an itch,
Went flying on her broomstick, thumbing for a hitch!

A Munchkin who slightly resembles Wyvern, but definitely isn’t if trends hold up, steps forward, leading some of the other Munchkins.

Wyvern(Singing): And oh, what happened then was rich!

The dozen or so Munchkins behind him join with in.

Munchkin Group(Singing): The ring began to pitch, the buckles took a slitch,
It landed on the Wicked Wench in the middle of a ditch,
which, was not a healthy sitch-uation for, the Wicked Wench,
who began to twitch, and was reduced to just a stitch,
of what was once, the Wicked Wench!

The Munchkins grab Yoko by the arms and pull her into the middle of the city. One of them who resembles Bob bows before her and hands her a small boquet of flowers.

Bob(Singing): We thank you very sweetly,
For doing it so neatly,
You’ve killed her so completely,
That we thank you VERY sweetly.

AK marches into the center with Yoko.

AK: Let the joyous news be spread, the wicked old wench at last is dead!

Bob, Wyvern, and their brigade of unrecognizable Munchkins begin to dance around, knock on random doors in the small town, and sing.

Munchkin Group(Singing): Ding Dong! The wench is dead,
Which old wench?
The Wicked Wench!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Wench is dead,
Wake up, you sleepy head,
Rub your eyes,
Get out of bed,
Wake up, the Wicked Wench is dead!
She's gone where the goblins go,
Below, below, below,
Yo-ho, let's open up and sing
And ring the bells out.
Ding Dong the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
Let them know the Wicked Wench is dead!

Yoko is quite horrified at this apparent celebration over the death of the wench. She’s at a loss of words. More and more Munchkins are coming out of every possible hiding place and areas she thought were empty, there are at lease fifty now surrounding her. Three of them make their way to the front and approach her. They resemble Senator, Hunter, and Santiago.

Senator(Singing): As senator of the Munchkin City, in the county of the land of Woz, I welcome you most regally…

Hunter(Singing): But we’ve got to verify it legally, to see…

Senator(Singing): To see?

Santiago(Singing): If she…

Senator(Singing): If she?

Hunter(Singing): Is morally, ethically…

Santiago(Singing): Spiritually, physically…

Hunter and Santiago(Singing): Positively, absolutely, undeniably, and reliably dead!

A fourth Munchkin comes up in front of Yoko, this one carries a large scroll that says “Certificate of Death” on it. He resembles Fallen Souls, down to the mask.

FSX(Singing): As Coroner,
I must aver,
I thoroughly examined her,
And she’s not only merely dead,
She’s really most sincerely dead.

Senator speaks briefly with Hunter and Santiago as the crowd of Munchkins goes quiet. They nod in agreement with him, and he faces the crowd.

Senator(Singing): Then this is a day of Independence,
For all the Munchkins and their descendents!

Hunter(Singing): Yes, let the joyous news be spread!

Santiago(Singing): The wicked old wench at last is dead!

The crowd of Munchkins erupts with cheering and dancing. Three more of them make their way up to Yoko. They resemble RDK, Predator, and…Orochi. Orochi is not a Munchkin, he is full sized and is leading the two. They don’t look to be city officials like Senator and his cabinet, but Senator allows them up.

Orochi, RDK, and Predator(Singing): We represent,
The Lollipop Guild,
The Lollipop Guild,
The Lollipop Guild,
And in the name of the Lollipop Guild,
We wish to welcome you to Munchkinland!

They do a tiny tap dance and Orochi presents Yoko with a lollipop, oversized even for him. They back away.

AK: I told you Yoko, you’re their hero!

Senator(Singing): From now on you’ll be history!

Hunter(Singing): And we will glorify your name!

Santiago(Singing): And you’ll be a bust!

Senator, Hunter, and Santiago(Singing): In the hall of fame!

Yoko is finally getting used to the idea of being a hero. She smiles as the Munchkins keep dancing and celebrating.

[Yoko Satoshi]

But the celebration is cut short by an explosion of white smoke halfway across the town square. No one is hurt since it was just smoke, but when it clears, someone in a white leather corset and holding a broom is standing there. She resembles Rose.

Yoko(Whispering to AK): …I thought you said I killed the wench?

AK: That was Jade, the Wicked Wench of the East. This is her sister Rose, the Wicked Wench of the West. She’s much worse than the other one, I’m afraid.

Rose looks around, and notices the body of Jade severed by the ring.

Rose: I was told one of you killed Jade, and it seems to be true. Which one of you killed my sister? Was it you?!

She points her broom at Yoko.

AK: Leave her out of this, Rose.

Rose: You shut your mouth, Alicia. I’m here for vengeance. Or was it YOU that killed her? No, they said the new wench did it, and I only see one new face. What’s your name, missy?

Yoko: Y..Yoko. I didn’t mean to kill your sister, I swear. It was an accident!

Rose: An accident, huh? Well, I can cause accidents too! INCENDIO!

Rose points her broom at one of the Munchkin cottages, a fireball shoots out of the tip and nails the cottage. It bursts into flames.

AK: Before you destroy the rest of the village in your silly rampage, don’t you think you should tend to your sister’s ruby slippers?

Rose’s eyes light up.

Rose: Yes, the slippers! I’d almost forgotten!

Rose turns back toward Jade’s body and reaches for the ruby slippers on her feet. However, they suddenly vanish, and the body quickly turns into nothing but ash.

Rose: They’re gone! What have you done with my sister’s slippers, Alicia?!

Rose turns back to face AK and Yoko.

Rose: Give them to me!

AK: I’m afraid it’s too late, they have a new owner. And as you know, once they’ve got an owner, they can’t be taken unless the owner gives them up or the owner dies.

AK points her wand down towards Yoko’s feet. The ruby slippers are on Yoko now.

AK: There they are, and there they’ll stay!

Rose scowls at her.

Rose: Yoko, I’m the only one that knows how to use them. They’re of no use to you. Who do you think you are, murdering my sister and stealing her belongings?

Yoko: I…

AK leans in close to Yoko and puts her hands on her shoulders.

AK: Don’t give in to her reasoning, she only tells partial stories. She’s been jealous of Jade having the ruby slippers for years, she’d have murdered her and taken them herself if the opportunity had arisen. You keep them for yourself. Their magic must be very, very, powerful, or else she wouldn’t want them so badly!

Rose: I told you to stay out of this, Alicia! If Yoko won’t give the slippers to me, I’ll just kill her! INCENDIO!

Rose points her broom at Yoko, a ball of flames fires out of the tip toward her. AK shoves Yoko out the way and smacks the ball with her wand like a baseball bat. It goes off to the side and hits a stray Munchkin, the one who looks like Bob. He catches fire and falls to the ground, burning.

AK: How unfortunate, I was trying to aim that back at you. Are we going to have to get physical, Rose? You know you have no power here, this is Eastern territory.

Rose: The same goes for you, you have no outstanding power in the East either!

AK: But Yoko here does, she has the ruby slippers. Now go, before she drops a ring on you as well!

Rose looks up at the sky in a panic, considering the thought.

Rose: …Very well! I’ll bide my time. But Yoko, the moment Alicia’s gone-

AK: Don’t you remember? As long as she has the slippers, your magic has no effect!

Rose: But if she comes into the West, into MY territory, those little slippers won’t be saving her seeing as she doesn’t know how to use magic. I’ll find a way to get you into my land, Yoko. I’ll get you my pretty, and your little…dog thing…too!

Mr. Floppy: I’M A BUNNY, YOU WENCH!

White smoke erupts from the ground around Rose, and when it clears, she’s gone. AK motions to the Munchkins.

AK: It’s safe, you can stop worrying now. She’s gone, it’s alright.

Yoko shoves AK.

[Yoko Satoshi]

AK: What was that for?!

Yoko: I don’t know who you think you’re fooling. If magic has no effect on me here because of these slippers, then you had no reason to try to knock back the fireball.

AK: I really was trying to knock it back at her, like I said. I’m just not as strong as her. I was also trying to bluff her into leaving because she has little power here. Rose isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, if you know what I mean. But she called my bluff, she has her moments. I’m afraid you’ve made an awful enemy.

Yoko: But I didn’t do anything, it was all you!

AK: Either way, you’re in danger because of those slippers. She’ll do whatever it takes to get them. But you can never give them to her, she’ll be able to take over the entire land if she gets them.

Yoko: Then what do I do? I can’t use them, I can’t give them to her, and I can’t walk in high heels anyway. My feet already hurt. Do I toss them into Mt. Doom or something?

AK: Just keep them, she’ll kill you if you don’t have their protection. She wants vengeance for her sister, if you forgot.

Mr. Floppy: Hey. How about you tell us what to do, instead of what not to do?

AK: A good idea. You need to leave Woz. The sooner, the better.

Yoko: Oh, I’d give anything to get out of Woz. But how? I can’t exactly leave the way I came in.

AK: This is true. I think the only person who might know is the mighty Wizard of Woz himself.

Yoko: Wizard of Woz? Is he good, or is he wicked?

AK: Oh, he’s very good. But he’s also very mysterious. Very few people get to see him. But that’s a problem to deal with later. He lives in the Emerald City, and that’s really far away. Did you bring your broom?

Mr. Floppy: No. We don’t generally carry brooms around.

AK: Well then, you’ll have to walk. The Munchkins will see you to the border of Munchkinland, but from there you’re on your own. And remember, never remove the slippers, or Rose will kill you and take them for herself!

Yoko: So I’m supposed to go on a long journey, in a pair of high heels I can never take off, in a place where I have no idea where I’m going? How am I supposed to get there?

AK: Oh, just follow the yellow brick road. It leads straight to Emerald City.

Yoko: Couldn’t you like…fly me there?

AK: No. I’ve been out of the Northern territory too long, I’m feeling fatigued. I must return there.

Yoko: But-

AK: Follow the yellow brick road! Bye!

AK turns into the pink bubble she first appeared as, and quickly floats away. Yoko and Mr. Floppy just look at each other.

Yoko: People come and go so quickly here. I guess we should get started. Follow the yellow brick road…

She looks down and sees the obvious yellow brick path. She begins walking down it. The best she can, anyway. She stumbles a bit because of the high heels. Senator helps her keep her balance as she walks.

Senator: Follow the yellow brick road!

Hunter takes the other side of her so she doesn’t stumble that way.

Hunter: Follow the yellow brick road!

The entire group begins to sing and dance as they follow her down the road.

Munchkin Group(Singing): Follow the Yellow Brick Road,
Follow the Yellow Brick Road,
Follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow the Yellow Brick Road,
Follow the Yellow Brick,
Follow the Yellow Brick,
Follow the Yellow Brick Road!

Senator and Hunter let go of her, she’s gotten the basics of walking in high heels now. She skips down the road.

Munchkin Group(Singing):You're off to see the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of Woz,
You'll find he is a whiz of a Wiz,
If ever a Wiz there was,
If ever oh ever a Wiz there was,
The Wizard of Woz,
Is one because,
Because, because, because, because, because,
Because of the wonderful things he does,
You're off to see the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of Woz!

She suddenly notices they’ve stopped following her.

Mr. Floppy: Hey, what’s the deal? That was like twenty feet.

Yoko: That must be the border of Munchkinland. Oh well, let’s go.

She begins to walk down the yellow brick road again.

[Yoko Satoshi]

A couple of hours later, she reaches a three way fork in the road next to a cornfield.

Yoko: Oh, now what? I don’t know which way to go.

Mr. Floppy: Maybe if you take a break, AK will come along. She clearly forgot to mention there was a THREE WAY FORK.

Yoko sits down in the grass next to the road.

Yoko: I do need a break anyway, these shoes were not made for walking. Which way would you go, Mr. Floppy?

??: That way looks nice.

Yoko: Which way?

Mr. Floppy: That wasn’t me, ‘tard.

??: That other way also looks nice.

Yoko jumps to her feet and looks around. She sees no one.

Yoko: Who’s there? Where are you?

??: Up here!

She follows the voice, it’s some black guy up on some kind of crucifix.

Yoko: Oh God, I thought you were a scarecrow! I’ll get you down!

Mr. Floppy: Town of malnourished freaks, black guy crucified…Are we sure this isn’t Tennessee?

??: Don’t panic, I’m not a person. I’m a scarecrow, you were right.

Yoko: Well that doesn’t make sense, scarecrows aren’t alive. You’re nothing but straw.

Mr. Floppy: And I’m nothing but fluff. Your point?

Yoko: That’s a good point.

??: Could you get me down, maybe? My back kind of hurts. There should be a nail in the back that you can bend down. If you can bend it down, I can get myself off of here, my arms are just tied. The nail is something I’m snagged on.

Yoko walks around behind the crucifix and fumbles with the nail. The scarecrow immediately falls to the ground. Straw pours out of him.

??: Whoops, there goes some of me again!

Yoko: Oh my, does it hurt?

??: No, I just keep picking it back up and putting it back in.

He picks up the bundles of straw and stuffs them inside of his chest, which is just a jacket.

??: See, no problem.

At this point, now that he’s level with her, she notices he looks a lot like BK London.

Yoko: Say, we haven’t met before have we? You look like someone I know named BK.

BK: I don’t think so. You weren’t there when I was sewn and stuffed, and I’ve been up there ever since then. You can call me BK if you want though, it’s a better name than Scarecrow. What’s your name?

Yoko: My name? Yoko Satoshi. And this is Mr. Floppy. What were you doing up there, anyway?

BK: Oh, the farmer put me up there to scare away the crows. But my heart just isn’t into it, I want other things.

Mr. Floppy: Like a brain?

BK looks at Mr. Floppy.

BK: Now why would you say something like that? I’m offended. Do I come off as stupid?

Mr. Floppy: Well, you WERE hung up there for who knows how long.

Yoko: Tell us, what is that you want?

BK: I want a record deal! I’m a great singer.

Yoko: Will you sing a song for me?

BK: Well, there IS something I’ve been working on with some of the mice in the field, we call it Epic.

Yoko sits back down as BK prepares to sing.

BK(Singing): Can you feel it, see it, hear it today?
If you can't, then it doesn't matter anyway,
You will never understand it cause it happens too fast,
And it feels so good, it's like walking on glass,
It's so cool, it's so hip, it's alright,
It's so groovy, it's out of sight,
You can touch it, smell it, taste it so sweet,
But it makes no difference cause it knocks you off your feet,
You want it all but you can't have it,
It's cryin', bleedin', lying on the floor,
So you lay down on it and you do it some more,
You've got to share it, so you dare it,
Then you bare it and you tear it,
You want it all but you can't have it,
It's in your face but you can't grab it,
It's alive, afraid, a lie, a sin,
It's magic, it's tragic, it's a loss, it's a win,
It's dark, it's moist, it's a bitter pain,
It's sad it happened and it's a shame,
You want it all but you can't have it,
It's in your face but you can't grab it,
What is it?
It's it,
What is it?

He coughs for a second and then stops.

BK: It kind of goes on with the “It’s it” and “What is it?” about thirty more times, but I stopped because you can’t hear the awesome music.

Yoko: I think I liked it. I imagine it’s better with music.

BK: Yes. I figure if I ever get a record deal, my band will be called Faith No More, and that will be our big hit.

Yoko: Hey, we’re going to Emerald City to see the wizard of Woz, he’s going to send us home. Maybe if you come along, he’ll give you a record deal.

BK: What if he doesn’t?

Yoko: Well if he doesn’t, you won’t be any worse off than you are now.

BK: True. Ok, I’ll come along.

Yoko: Actually, maybe you shouldn’t. The Wicked Wench of the West is after me. You might get into trouble.

BK: I’m not afraid of any wench!

Yoko: Then some company may be nice. To Emerald City, then?

BK: To Emerald City!

Yoko and BK(Singing): We’re off to see the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of Woz,
We hear he is a whiz of a Wiz,
If ever a Wiz there was,
If ever oh ever a Wiz there was,
The Wizard of Woz,
Is one because,
Because, because, because, because, because,
Because of the wonderful things he does,
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of Woz!

They skip down the road together, singing.

[Yoko Satoshi]

A short while later, they stop at some apple trees.

Yoko: I sure am hungry.

BK: Go ahead and pick some apples, the farmer doesn’t own this land. And even if he did, he couldn’t turn away someone who’s starving.

Yoko grabs one of the apples and plucks it from the tree. Suddenly a branch whips around and wraps around her arm. A face shows up on the trunk, resembling Jonny.

Jonny: What do you think you’re doing?

Yoko: I was…apple…hungry…talking tree.

BK: Hey, she didn’t mean you any harm.

Jonny: How would you like it if someone pulled parts of you off? Hey buddy, wake up, this girl just reached up and pulled off one of my apples!

The tree next to him shakes a little and a face appears on its trunk. This one resembles Garth.

Garth: That’s the rudest thing I’ve seen in a while. You’re supposed to ask for things like that, you know.

Yoko: Can I please have the apple?

Jonny: Yes.

The tree lets go of her arm. It shakes and more apples fall.

Jonny: Take all you need, now that you’ve asked. I don’t need them.

Mr. Floppy: …Somehow I expected that to get violent.

Yoko: Thank you very much for the apples.

Jonny: You’re very welcome. Uh, hey. Before you go, could you do me a favor? One of my buddies back in the woods has this guy tied to him. Says he’s been tied to him for a while. Could you go untie him?

Yoko: I guess so. Which way?

Jonny: Behind me, just a short way into the forest.

Yoko and BK march into the forest. Sure enough, there’s a man chained to one of the trees next to a single house. He’s wearing a leather mask and a ball gag.

BK: …Goodness.

The man’s head sits up at the sound of BK’s voice, and begins mumbling, as if asking for help. BK and Yoko quickly mess with the chains, they won’t come off. While BK continues to mess with them, Yoko removes the ball gag and leather mask. The man, she notices, is made of metal. He also looks like Ridley.

Ridley: Oh, thank goodness. I’ve been stuck here for like a YEAR.

Yoko: We can’t get the chains off, they’re padlocked on the other side.

Ridley: To your left about ten feet there’s a tree trimmer, if no one’s found it. It should be able to cut through the chains like strings.

Yoko sees it, and goes to pick it up. She sets Mr. Floppy down on the ground as it takes two hands to operate. She revs it up and moves the saw blade toward the chains. Sparks fly, but it does cut. They fall to the ground. She turns it off and picks Mr. Floppy back up. Ridley raises his arms into the air and stretches, and then picks up his tree trimmer.

Ridley: Thanks a bunch for rescuing me.

BK: How’d you get there?

Ridley: I was with this chick, and she chained me up for fun. Then the next thing I knew, she was gone. It was like a year ago. I need to kill that bitch. But yeah, thanks.

BK: So what are you, some kind of tin man?

Ridley glares at BK. He turns on the tree trimmer and takes a swing at BK. Straw flies everywhere.

Yoko: Hey!

Ridley: Sorry. He insulted me. But he’s fine, he’s just a scarecrow. Tin is a pussy metal, I’m iron and steel. And I prefer the name Metal Man, not Tin Man.

Yoko: Well you look like someone I know named Ridley, so I’ll call you that.

Ridley: Fine by me. What’s your name?

Yoko: Yoko Satoshi.

??: Quite the popular girl, eh?

Everyone turns toward the house. On the roof is Rose.

Yoko: What are you doing here?!

Rose: I wanted to give you one more chance. Give me the slippers, and we’ll put this past us. I’ll even train you in magic and give you your own territory.

Yoko: Never!

BK: So you’re the wench. You leave Yoko alone!

Ridley: Why don’t you come down off of that roof, Rose? Fight us like the man we know you are!

Ridley’s eyes glow red as he stares at Rose.

Rose: Funny, you weren’t calling me a man before I chained you to that tree. You two stay out of this, it’s between me and Yoko. I’ll stuff a mattress with you, scarecrow! And you, Metal Man, I’ll make a beehive out of you!

BK: Yoko is our friend, so anything between you and her is between us!

Rose: Here, scarecrow, want to play ball? INCENDIO!

Rose points her broom at BK, a fireball shoots from the tip and nails him in the chest. He bursts into flame and begins to scream.

Ridley: You cunt, always surprising your enemies!

Rose: I suppose I’ll see you soon, Yoko. Ehehehe!

White smoke engulfs Rose, and she vanishes. BK, meanwhile, is still on fire. Ridley is trying to put him out.

Ridley: Yoko, go inside the house. There should be a bucket of water that was being used for mopping, if nothing’s been moved.

Yoko rushes into the house. She immediately spots the bucket of water and grabs it, and begins to run back outside. However, laying in the floor next to the dining room table are two people. Or rather, parts of two people. The floor is soaked in blood.

Ridley: Yoko!

She runs outside with the bucket, and splashes it onto BK. The fire is extinguished.

BK: Thanks, Yoko. A few more minutes and I’d have burned away.

Ridley: So you two have Rose after you? What’d you do?

Yoko: Ruby slippers. I have them, she wants them. I’m trying to get home, so we’re going to see the wizard in Emerald City.

BK: Yeah, and he’s going to give me a record deal. You want to come with us? I somehow don’t think I can handle the wench.

Ridley: Can’t. I’m a wanted man, I have a death sentence. They’ll kill me if they catch me.

BK: What’d you do?

Yoko: He’s a murderer.

Ridley: You saw the bodies inside the house, I’m sure. They’re not the first ones, either.

BK: Are you going to like…kill us?

Ridley: Nah, you helped me out.

Yoko: Why’d you kill the people in this house?

Ridley: Well, it’s a complex story…But I think I can tell it.

He pulls a cord out of his tree trimmer, it’s a plug in. He plugs it into his rear.

Mr. Floppy: So-

Ridley: Don’t you dare say anything regarding that.

He grips his tree trimmer like a guitar. Yoko notices the strings running down it, it doubles as an electric guitar. He begins to play.

Ridley(Singing): Holy Diver,
You've been down too long in the midnight sea,
Oh what's becoming of me,
Ride the tiger,
You can see his stripes but you know he's clean,
Oh don't you see what I mean,
Gotta get away,
Holy Diver,
Shiny diamonds,
Like the eyes of a cat in the black and blue,
Something is coming for you,
Race for the morning,
You can hide in the sun 'till you see the light,
Oh we will pray it's all right,
Gotta get away-get away,
Between the velvet lies,
There's a truth that's hard as steel,
The vision never dies,
Life's a never ending wheel,
Holy Diver,
You're the star of the masquerade,
No need to look so afraid,
Jump on the tiger,
You can feel his heart but you know he's mean,
Some light can never be seen,
Holy Diver,
You've been down too long in the midnight sea,
Oh what's becoming of me,
Ride the tiger,
You can see his stripes but you know he's clean,
Oh don't you see what I mean,
Gotta get away,
Holy Diver!

He hits one last note and pulls the plug back into the trimmer.

Mr. Floppy: Wow. I have NO CLUE what you just tried to say.

Ridley: Fuck off, dog boy.

BK: I didn’t understand it either.

Ridley: Sigh. I killed them because I asked them if they’d let me trim their trees in exchange for money, and they said no.

BK: Hey, maybe if you come to see the wizard with us, he’ll give you a pardon.

Ridley: …You think? That’d be awesome. But do you think he really would give me a pardon?

Yoko: Oh, he must! He’s known for the wonderful things he does!

Ridley: Then I think I will come along. I’m tired of living in the woods.

Yoko: I’m not sure if you two should come with me, though. Rose almost killed you, BK. It’s very dangerous.

BK: Bah, I’ll see you to the wizard, Yoko. She wants to stuff a mattress with me? I’ll stuff a mattress with her!

Ridley: I’ll see you to the wizard as well. I have unfinished business with Rose. She tricked me and tied me to the tree and left me to die. Besides, that beehive remark was just fucking stupid. Why would you make a beehive out of a metal man?

Yoko: Then it’s settled, to Emerald City!

Yoko and BK begin to skip and sing. Ridley just kind of follows, and doesn’t sing.

Yoko and BK(Singing): We’re off to see the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of Woz,
We hear he is a whiz of a Wiz,
If ever a Wiz there was,
If ever oh ever a Wiz there was,
The Wizard of Woz,
Is one because,
Because, because, because, because, because,
Because of the wonderful things he does,
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of Woz!

The three head back to the yellow brick road, and follow it deep into the forest.

A quick note by me, the omnipresent omniscient narrator. As our heroes went on down the road, a Munchkin who looks like El Loco(Or Jenero, Edge, Dark Master, Crusher, Gotti, whatever) hung himself in the background. No, it was definitely a Munchkin and not a bird despite a bird being in that exact spot mere moments ago. I’m omniscient, not Snopes. It’s just no one saw it happening, I swear. Anyway, we mourn our special Munchkin friend, I’m sure. Onward!

[Yoko Satoshi]

As they go deeper and deeper in the forest following the winding path, it begins to get a bit spooky. It sounds like someone is following them.

BK: Tell me I’m not the only one who hears those footsteps and rumblings.

Mr. Floppy: I actually hear it too.

Yoko: What kinds of animals live in this forest, Ridley?

Ridley: Oh, nothing I can’t handle. Lions, tigers, bears, vicious kanids.

BK: Vicious kanids? I’ve heard of those. Pretty nasty.

Yoko: Whatever it is, it’s getting closer to us.

There is a loud roar. A bipedal lion leaps out from the shadows, landing in front of them on the yellow brick road. Yoko notices that he resembles Bladeshadow.

Blade: Put ‘em up, put ‘em up! Which one of you first! I’ll fight all of you if you want! I’ll fight you with both paws tied behind my back!

He pulls his arms behind his back.

Blade: I’ll fight you standing on one foot!

He raises one leg.

Blade: I’ll fight you with my eyes closed!

He closes his eyes.

Blade: I’ll show you why I’m king of the beasts! I-

While his eyes are closed, Ridley gives him a shove. He topples backwards.

Blade: Why’d you do that? I’m a scientist, damnit. You didn’t have to hurt me.

He begins to cry.

Blade: I’m not really a king either. I was just trying to scare you is all…

Ridley: Hail to the king, baby.

Ridley turns on his tree trimmer and plunges the saw blade into Blade’s stomach. Organs and bits of unknown tissues fly every which way, soiling the area with bloody things. This cowardly lion is dead. Ridley pulls the tree trimmer out and turns it off.

Yoko: I…don’t think he was going to hurt us. Or even could have. He seemed really pathetic.

Mr. Floppy: Like some sort of stalker who decided to show himself and immediately regretted it.

Ridley: Well, he annoyed me. And I hate stalkers.

At that moment, a man rolls out of one of the bushes and lands on the path a short way in front of them. He isn’t moving.

BK: Well, that was strange.

They run up ahead to the man. He looks like Latino. He’s not dressed up in some strange garb, he practically IS Latino, down to the tights. He has a case of beer in one hand, and a bottle of beer in the other. He begins to move and staggers to his feet.

Yoko: Are you ok? It looked like you passed out.

Latino: Think I did for a moment but I’m fine now!

BK: You’re plastered.

Latino: Just a little, holmes! I lost the road for a moment.

Yoko: Where are you going?

Latino straightens up and clears his throat.

Mr. Floppy: Oh lord, another song and dance number.

Latino(Singing): Destiny has cheated me,
By forcing me to decide upon,
The woman that I idolize,
Or the hands of an automaton…

He stumbles a bit.

Latino: That’s a good question. I don’t know.

Mr. Floppy: …Weren’t you just singing?

Latino: No. I’m not allowed to sing. Court order.

BK: ...Alright then. What’s your name?

Latino: Latino!

Yoko: That’s strange, you look like someone I know who’s also named Latino. I’m Yoko Satoshi by the way. This is Mr. Floppy here in my arms, the scarecrow is BK, and the metal man is Ridley.

Latino: Nice to meet you guys.

Yoko: You really shouldn’t wander around in this forest alone, there’s no telling what you might come across. Or what might come across you. Do you want to come with us?

Latino: Come with you to where?

Yoko: We’re going to Emerald City to see a wizard. We hope he can send me home, and give BK a record deal, and give Ridley a pardon.

Latino: A wizard, eh? Magic and stuff? Do you think he could give me like…a beer bottle that never runs out of beer?

Yoko: Well I don’t see why not.

Latino: Then count me in!

Ridley: You forgot to mention the wicked wench. The Wicked Wench of the West is after Yoko because she killed her sister and has her ruby slippers, or something like that.

Latino: I heard those wenches are pretty hot, so I’m totally there. Let her try to resist my suave Latin charms. Let’s go!

Yoko: Ok then!

Yoko and BK set off skipping down the road. Ridley just kind of follows, and Latino stumbles along next to Ridley.

Yoko and BK(Singing): We’re off to see the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of Woz,
We hear he is a whiz of a Wiz,
If ever a Wiz there was,
If ever oh ever a Wiz there was,
The Wizard of Woz,
Is one because,
Because, because, because, because, because,
Because of the wonderful things he does,
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of Woz!

They continue onward, following the yellow brick road.

As they walk along it, the view gets distorted and pulls back a bit. Rose and her flying monkey general, who looks like Daredevil, are watching them in a large crystal ball from the safety of her castle.

[Yoko Satoshi]

Rose: She’s making some powerful allies on her way to Emerald City. A spirited scarecrow, that blasted metal man I thought I did away with, and a drunken latino. We can’t let her see the wizard, not until I get back what’s mine. Once I have the ruby slippers, my power will be the greatest in all of Woz! Any ideas, my pet?

Daredevil: Poppies are pretty flowers.

Rose: I agree, poppies are nice. I have an idea! There’s a field of poppies ahead of them. Yes…Yeeeeees.

She rushes to one of her tables and begins mixing some powders together.

Rose: Something to excite the poppies chemically and put you to sleep, yes! Something with poison in it! You’ll never wake up, and the slippers will be easy pickings!

She rushes back to the crystal ball holding a bowl of white powder. The ball is now showing an image of a gigantic field of poppies. She begins to sprinkle the powder onto the crystal ball.

Rose: Sleeeeeep. Sleeeeeeeeeep. Ehehehehe.

Meanwhile, Yoko’s little gang of misfits exit the forest. They see a field of beautiful poppies before them, sure, but something far more spectacular catches their eye directly beyond the field. A large green crystalline formation.

Yoko: That must be Emerald City! We’ve made it!

BK: We’re almost there at last!

Yoko: Oh, he must really be a wonderful wizard to live in a place that’s so beautiful.

Latino: Come on, let’s go!

He runs into the field, chugging one of his beers. Yoko and BK quickly follow. Ridley follows them with a power walk. They sprint through the poppies, getting closer and closer to Emerald City.

Mr. Floppy: Something smells funny. Kind of familiar.

Latino begins to slow down and then promptly collapses.

BK: Great, he passed out again.

Yoko has stopped running now. She puts her hand to her head.

Yoko: Something’s wrong, I feel funny…

She yawns and falls to her knees.

BK: Yoko, you can’t stop now, we’re almost there!

Mr. Floppy falls out of her arms, he is asleep. She falls forward with him, also asleep. Ridley sniffs the air. He quickly grabs Yoko and begins pulling her through the field.

Ridley: The wench booby trapped the poppies, BK, I need you to pull Latino. We need to get them out of this field before they breathe in too much!

He looks toward BK, he’s fallen down asleep too.

Ridley: Great. We’re boned.

As he stands there frustrated, a pink ball descends from the sky. It pops a few feet above the poppies, AK hovers there.

Ridley: Who the hell are you, lady?

AK: A good wench, no time for further explanation on that. I saw a spell being cast on the field and rushed out here. You need to get rid of the poppies, you’re the only one that can.

Ridley: How am I supposed to do that?

She reaches into a pocket and pulls out a couple of objects and tosses them to him. It’s a pipe and a lighter.

AK: Smoke up!

Ridley: Why aren’t YOU escorting Yoko if you’re like, watching?

AK: No time to explain! Smoke up!

She turns back into a pink ball and drifts away before he can argue further. He sighs and starts picking the poppies and stuffing them into the pipe.

Back at Rose’s fortress of solitude, she’s no longer in the room with the crystal ball, but Daredevil is. He watches as Ridley smokes more and more poppies at an extremely rapid rate.

Daredevil: Um…problem!

Rose(From other room): What do you mean “problem”?

She rushes into the room.

Daredevil: He’s messing with the poppies.

She looks into the crystal ball.

Rose: No! He can’t do that! She’s going to make it to Emerald City!

Daredevil: What are you going to do now?

Rose: I can’t risk getting near the wizard’s domain, he’ll tear me apart. The poppy spell was risky enough.

??: You could do a quick fly by on a broom and threaten him with war, even though broom travel is old fashioned compared to apparating.

Rose: That’s a good idea. …Who said that?

In the field of poppies, or rather the field of no poppies, Yoko finally begins to wake up. So do the others.

Yoko: What happened? Why am I so groggy?

Ridley: The poppies were drugged and poisoned, you all passed out. Some flying lady in pink gave me a pipe, I got rid of them, now you’re better.

BK: Why didn’t YOU pass out, too?

Ridley: Um. High tolerance to opium. I have to admit, this field got me buzzing a little. I like it.

Yoko scoops up Mr. Floppy.

Yoko: Well, come on. We’re just a few yards from the main gate.

[Yoko Satoshi]

They go the final length of distance. Yoko looks at the door for a moment, and then knocks. A little hatch opens revealing a face strangely similar to Ginger’s.

Ginger: Go away.

Yoko: What?

Ginger: Can’t you read the sign? “Doorbell out of order. Please knock.”

Yoko: But…But there isn’t a sign, and I DID knock!

Ginger: Oh…Well, in that case, what can we do for you?

Yoko: Well, I’m Yoko. This is Mr. Floppy my stuffed bunny, BK the scarecrow, Ridley the metal man, and Latino the drunken latino. We’ve come a very long way to reach Emerald City to see the wizard, can you please let us in?

Ginger: See the wizard?! No one sees the wizard! He’s a very busy man! Go away!

Ridley: Listen, you. We’ve come a long way, and we’re seeing the wizard. Now you can open this door, or I can smash it down on top of you.

Ginger: Aren’t you the guy with the death sentence? Oh my…The scary one. Well that’s a horse of another color entirely. Come on in.

The little hatch closes, and the large gate opens. Everything inside is a brilliant shade of green. They’re greeted by singing from the various people living inside.

Townspeople(Singing): You're out of the woods,
You're out of the dark,
You're out of the night,
Step into the sun,
Step into the light,
Keep straight ahead for the most glorious place,
On the face of the Earth or the sky,
Hold onto your breath,
Hold onto your heart,
Hold onto your hope,
Let that grin take hold of your face!

They step inside of the city. Ginger motions for them to follow him. He leads them to a horse cart. They climb in. That’s when Yoko notices it’s not a horse pulling them, it’s a black woman. She resembles BK London’s wife, Kiley.

Yoko: Wha…what is that.

Ginger: Why, that’s a whore of another color, my dear.

Mr. Floppy: …Wow. Just wow. You’ve been waiting to bust out that one liner for quite a while, haven’t you?

Ginger: Oh, she enjoys her work. It’s fine. I’m taking you to the wizard, so you shouldn’t be complaining. Pay attention to the song instead.

Yoko: What song?

The random people begin to sing again.

Townspeople(Singing): Ha Ha Ha,
Ho Ho Ho,
And a couple of Tra La La's,
That's how we laugh the day away in the Merry Ole Land of Woz,
Bzz Bzz Bzz,
Chirp Chirp Chirp
And a couple of La Di Da's,
That's how the crickets crick all day in the Merry Ole Land of Woz,
We get up at twelve and start to work at one,
Take an hour for lunch and then at two we're done,
Jolly good fun,
Ha Ha Ha,
Ho Ho Ho,
And a couple of Tra La La's,
That's how we laugh the day away in the Merry Ole Land of Woz,
Ha Ha Ha,
Ho Ho Ho,
Aha Ha Ha Ha Ha,
That's how we laugh the day away with a Ho Ho Ho, Ha Ha Ha,
In the Merry Ole Land Of Woz!

Latino: Oh man, I want to live here. Everyone’s partying all the time, it’ll be great.

Ridley: This isn’t the wizard’s room. They’ve taken us to the prison.

BK: It was a nice distraction at least.

Ginger: Guards, seize them!

Ridley: Well, I’m not going in there without a fight!

Ridley begins to turn on his tree trimmer but is interrupted. There’s a sound as if a jet were passing over the city, causing everyone to stop what they’re doing and look up.

Ginger: It’s the wench!

The wench is indeed flying overhead the city on a broom at fast speeds. She is skywriting. She writes the words ”SURRENDER YOKO AND THE RUBY SLIPPERS, OR WOZ WILL UNITE AGAINST EMERALD CITY.”

People point, wondering what it means, as the wench flies away.

Townsperson#1: Who’s Yoko?! Give her up at once!

Ginger: Isn’t your name Yoko, little lady?

Yoko: Well…um…

Someone comes up to Ginger and whispers something into his ear. Ginger nods.

Ginger: It looks like you’ll get to meet the wizard after all. He’s requested to meet you thanks to this little incident.

BK: I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

[Yoko Satoshi]

Ginger leads them to a giant set of double doors.

Ginger: He’s inside. You may enter.

He struggles and pulls one of the doors open a bit. Open enough for them all to slip inside of it. He pushes it shut behind them. They’re at one end of a large hall. They slowly advance down it, not knowing what to expect. At the end of it, the hall opens into a very large circular room. There’s a curtain to the left of them, but that’s all there is decoration wise. At the far end are some machines spewing smoke and fire, and there’s a large black hood hovering in the air.

BK: Is that…Is that the wizard? Under the hood? Surely he’s not that big.

Yoko: I think it is.

She clears her throat.

Yoko: Hello? Are you the wizard?

Wizard: SILENCE! I am the great wizard of Woz!

Yoko: It’s really him! Mr. Wizard, we’ve come-

Wizard: I know why you have come to see me!

Yoko: You do?

Wizard: A trip home, a record deal, a pardon, and a never ending bottle of beer! Am I correct?

BK: Wow, you’re right.

Wizard: I have every intention of giving you what you need.

Yoko: Did you hear that? We’re-

Wizard: QUIET! I have every intention of giving you what you need, IF you prove yourselves worthy by completing a small task!

Ridley: Oh yay. A task. Like we haven’t gone through enough.

BK: What task?

Wizard: Bring me the broomstick of the Wicked Wench of the West. Do this, and I’ll give you the things you need. Consider it a fair trade since you’re the ones who set her off on getting the ruby slippers.

Yoko: But wouldn’t we have to find her and kill her to do that?

Mr. Floppy: Where is she, anyway?

Wizard: …In the West. Duh. There’s a haunted forest to the west of Emerald City. Go through it, it leads to her magic castle thing.

BK: What if she kills us first?

Wizard: I SAID GO!

Fire shoots up all over the place, they rush out of the room back into the hallway.

Ridley: Great. I guess we’ll go to the haunted forest, then.

It’s me again, the omnipresent omniscient narrator. There was a scene here in which our cast enters the haunted woods and fights the nasty Jitterbug. The sight of Ridley dancing frightened everyone though. It was not pretty. Many trees were killed needlessly, and Ridley eventually just cut up the Jitterbug. So, we’ll just kind of skip over that and go to the next part.

We see Rose and Daredevil sitting near the crystal ball in the castle. Rose is filing her fingernails to pass the time.

Rose: I think I’m getting tired of waiting. Could you go kidnap Yoko? She’s not too heavy so you can fly with her, and that way I don’t have to bother myself.

Daredevil: But mommy, you said you’d bake monkey cakes today.

Rose: By monkey cakes, I meant YOUR ASS. Now go get her!

Daredevil sighs, and hops up to the window and spreads his wings.

At that moment, the door to the room opens and Yoko tumbles through it, with someone familiar behind her. Someone in pink lingerie and a pink cape and a broom. Rena.

Rose: …How’d you pull that one off?

Rena: Step two of the plan. I knew by threatening Emerald City, the wizard would send Yoko to kill you. So I waited in the haunted forest and got to her a while after she entered.

Five minutes ago…

Yoko and her running crew are walking through the haunted forest.

BK: I never want to see you dance again. Ever.

Ridley: Shut the hell up.

Yoko: Shhh, I think I see someone.

Everyone stops, someone is indeed on the path in front of them, in a pink cloak.

Yoko: Hello? Do you need help?

The person tosses off the cloak, revealing nothing but pink lingerie, a cape, and a broom. Yoko recognizes her as Rena.

Rena: I do need help.

Yoko: What…What do you need help with?

Yoko is awestruck by her beauty, she’s blushing greatly. The others are also seemingly in some kind of trance as well.

Rena: I need you to come with me.

Yoko: I…

Mr. Floppy: What, are you actually considering it?! She has a broom, look! Wench! WEEEENCH!

Ridley: He’s right!

Ridley turns on his tree trimmer. BK and Latino are still entranced by her body.

Rena: Sigh. I guess we’re doing this the hard way. EXPELLIARMUS!

She points her broom at Ridley, a tiny jet of energy flies out and hits his tree trimmer, causing it to leap out of his hands.

Rena: IMPEDIMENTA!

A wave of energy shoots out of her broom, bypasses Yoko, and hits the other three. They stop moving.

Rena: Now that they’re taken care of, let’s get you to the castle.

Yoko: But-

Rena grabs Yoko with an unusual amount of strength and they vanish in a small explosion of pink smoke. They reappear at the front gate of Rose’s castle. Rena drags Yoko to one of the higher rooms and tosses her through the door.

Present Time

Yoko is sitting on the floor, not sure how to handle this situation as Rena tells the story to Rose.

Rose: Well, that was simple enough I guess. But how’d you know they would actually come there?

Rena: You know and I know that neither one of us is a match for the wizard. But he’s compassionate to his subjects and wouldn’t risk them in a war. By threatening war if we didn’t get Yoko, I knew he’d send her as a sacrifice. You’re satisfied, there’s no war. And I’m sure he figured you wouldn’t be able to handle the ruby slippers, or that Yoko may actually kill you. Sending Yoko was his only option, he thinks he wins either way. But he didn’t count on me aligning with you because us wenches can’t get along. However, we share a common goal in obtaining the slippers and avenging Jade. Thus, here I am now, making this work far better than you ever could. Alicia and I always were the brains, after all.

Rose: A…ha. Ok, then. Now what?

Rena: Do I have to walk you through everything? God. No wonder you haven’t been able to get the slippers.

Rose: Yes, the slippers!

Rose lunges for Yoko’s feet.

Rena: No!

Sparks shoot out and burn Rose’s hands when she touches the ruby slippers. She recoils.

Rena: You moron, you know you can’t take them forcefully.

Rose: I forgot…

Yoko: Who…Who are you?

Rena turns toward Yoko, surprised she’s gotten up the courage to speak.

Rena: I’m Rena, the Wicked Wench of the South.

Mr. Floppy: Oh, I get it. Four wenches, one for each direction. I can’t believe we didn’t see this coming.

Rena: How precious. You shut up, I’m talking to Yoko. Your name is Yoko, right? The one who killed my sister Jade?

Yoko: Yes, but it was an accid-

Rena: Don’t worry, I’m not angry. Tell me, do you think I’m pretty?

Yoko doesn’t answer. Rena squats down next to her, putting them face to face.

Rena: I saw the way you looked at me in the forest…Don’t be shy. I know what you want, and I’ll give it to you if you give me what I want. Give me the ruby slippers and we’ll have some fun together…

She kisses Yoko.

Rose: What?! They’re MY slippers!

Yoko shoves Rena away.

Yoko: No! Neither of you can have them, Alicia told me what would happen! You’ll kill me and take over Woz!

Rena: You little brat! Rose, kill her!

Rose: Why me? You’re the one planning everything, and planning to take the slippers from under my nose!

Rena: Now is not the time for this. My magic doesn’t affect her unless she’s in the Southern territory, because of her wearing the slippers. They’re a safeguard. But this is the West, and you reign here. Your magic overrides the slippers here.

Rose: Right…Right!

Rena: A shame you have to die, you really are cute. I would have kept you as a pet if you’d given up the slippers, that’d be punishment enough for killing my sister. In my eyes, anyway.

Rose tosses a fine powder at Yoko. She sneezes.

Rena: What kind of spell was that?

Rose: Timed death.

A large hourglass full of snow white sand materializes in Rose’s hands. She sets it down on a table in front of Yoko.

Rose: In one hour, when this hourglass runs out of sand, you will die. It’s that simple. You’ll die, and I’ll take the slippers. Or, you can voluntarily give them up before time runs out and go be Rena’s pet.

Rena: A rather good idea, Rose. Let’s leave her alone to think. Remember Yoko; one hour.

Daredevil flies to Rose’s shoulder as Rose and Rena exit the room, locking the door behind them.

Mr. Floppy: Where the hell is your wonderful wizard now? He sacrificed you to stop a war he would have won. Just be her pet. You’ll probably get some pussy. That’s what got you captured in the first place, you know. If you hadn’t lost your head, you guys might have been able to fight Rena in the woods.

Yoko: It’s not MY fault, she’s just really pretty. Just looking at her made me…you know, wet. BK and Latino fell for her too. Even Ridley did for a moment. Besides, did you see the winged monkey? What if it’s THAT kind of pet? I’m not doing that.

Mr. Floppy: I guess we’ll just sit here for an hour, then.

Yoko: I think Ridley will save us.

Mr. Floppy: Maybe, if he didn’t instantly murder BK and Latino when that freeze thing wore off.

[Yoko Satoshi]

Back in the woods, Ridley is on the war path. He’s clearing a path with his tree trimmer, heading straight for the castle. His eyes and body are glowing red as steam sprays from his joints. BK and Latino are following him, though they’re keeping a safe distance.

Latino: Metal guy’s mad, yeah?

BK: Definitely. Look at the steam and the red glow, that’s scary.

Latino: Does he know where he’s going? Is it safe to be following him?

Ridley: I’ve been to her castle before, and you’re fine. We’re going to the castle, we’re going to kill those fucking bitches, and we’re going to rescue Yoko. Then we’re going to the wizard to get our stuff.

BK: Right then.

Ridley: Gah, her fucking sister. I can’t believe I didn’t expect that the fourth wench would get involved!

BK: To be fair, I don’t think anyone expected a fourth one.

Ridley: We’ll be there soon. BK, if they start firing off spells, you try to take the bulk of them unless they’re flames since you’re pretty immune to everything but fire. I’ll take the rest of the shots.

Latino: What about me?

Ridley: Oh, what NOT about you?

Latino: …Right on!

Latino chugs another of his beers.

BK: So how do we sneak into a castle? I imagine it’s hard.

Ridley: Sneak? No, we’re going straight in. Hence the strategy talk.

BK: Oh…

Back at the castle, almost an hour has passed.

Yoko: Mr. Floppy, the hourglass is almost empty!

Mr. Floppy: Couldn’t you…flip it? No one’s looking.

Yoko looks around, and quickly flips over the hourglass.

Yoko: Well then. We’ve just bought some more time.

A few minutes later, Rena and Rose re-enter the room.

Rose: Time’s almost…What happened to the sand? They’re supposed to be nearly gone!

Rena: You didn’t put a protective charm in the spell, did you? She flipped the hourglass.

Rena flips it back over.

Rena: She added like five minutes to it, there should be about ten minutes left.

There’s a loud crash from elsewhere in the castle.

Rena: That sounded like the front door.

Rose: Intruders? But who? You killed her friends!

Rena: I didn’t kill her friends, I didn’t think they’d actually FIND the castle!

Rose: I dated one of them you fool! He knew how to get here!

Yoko: You’re in trouble now. Ridley’s going to be pissed off.

Rena: Come on, we have to deal with this. Leave the monkey in the room to make sure she doesn’t flip the hourglass again.

Daredevil perches on top of the hourglass as Rena and Rose exit the room again.

They go to the first room of the castle. Ridley is making short work of some guards that were trying to guard the door. Rena begins to head down the giant stairs, but Rose holds her back. She taps her broomstick against the floor five times in a quick rhythm as Ridley is heading up the stairs. The castle begins to rumble with the sound of footsteps. Ridley stops and looks around. Rose smirks at him.

Rose: You didn’t think it was going to be that easy did you?

He smirks back.

Ridley: For a second, yeah, I kind of did.

Guards, in druid clothes, begin to pour from every door until the room is practically full. Ridley can no longer make it up the stairs.

Ridley: Let’s dance, then.

He turns his tree trimmer on again and begins to cut up any of the druids that get in the way. BK is lost under a dog pile of druids. Latino is escaping them by climbing up one of the pillars.

Rose: We have to stop him!

Rena: I don’t know how to kill a metal man, sorry. He looks too pissed off to just charm again. Those druids won’t hold him long, we need to seal off all of the exits. He WILL get to Yoko, and he’ll probably interrupt us if we go up there to kill her. But if he can’t leave again, I have a chance of getting the slippers.

Rose: Good plan. …Except I’M getting the slippers.

They vanish through one of the many doors.

Latino: Ridley, get Yoko! Don’t worry about us! I can handle them!

Ridley: How?

Latino: VIVA LA RAZA!!!

With that, Latino Frog Splashes off of the pillar he’s climbed, onto a crowd of druids. He immediately gets up and starts poking eyes. Not more than about two dozen druids remain now anyway.

Ridley decides he can indeed handle them, and stops focusing on the druids. He focuses on the path. He holds his tree trimmer in front of him and begins running up the stairs. The druids who don’t jump out of the way are cut badly. The path is clear and he reaches a large set of double doors. He thrusts the blade into them, cutting through them in seconds. He enters the room. Daredevil squawks and flies at him but is quickly cut in half.

Yoko: Ridley! The hourglass!

He runs toward the table and Yakuza Kicks the hourglass with great force, breaking it. The sand burns away.

Ridley: Come on, we have to go back to the others before we get cornered, or they get cornered!

He jabs his blade out through the door to make sure it’s clear, and then they run back down the stairs. He turns the tree trimmer off, there’s no need for it. Latino is sitting on top of a pile of the last druids, drinking a beer.

Ridley: Good job. Where’s BK?

BK: A little everywhere. They tore my legs off and tossed them over there. Then they tore my chest out and threw it over there. My head’s under this pile of druids. Could you put me back together?

Ridley: Yes, quickly.

They round up the parts of BK and kind of mush them together until they stick, and he stands up.

BK: Maybe I’ll ask for a sturdier body instead of a record deal.

Ridley: We have to…

Rose and Rena appear in front of the big door back to the forest.

Ridley: …go. Fuck.

[Yoko Satoshi]

Rena: You’re not going anywhere until you hand over the ruby slippers.

Ridley reaches for his on button.

Rena: EXPELLIARMUS!

Like before, the energy from her broom sends his tree trimmer flying.

Rena: None of that. Now, Yoko. We tried to make a deal, but you’re too stubborn. If you don’t care about what happens to you, maybe we’ll have to kill your friends.

Yoko: No!

Rose: How about a little fire, scarecrow? INCEN-

Ridley: Is that the only fucking attack spell you know? I’ve never seen you use another one in all the years we dated.

Rose: And you wonder why I tied you to that tree! You do nothing but criticize me!

Yoko: No, he has a point. Ever since I got here, you’ve done the fireball thing.

Rena: She’s always been kind of a one trick pony when it comes to attack spells. Alicia and I got the looks and the brains, while Jade and Rose got the raw power, which is quite useless without any knowledge.

Rose: Well excuse me for not being like you.

Rena: Just learn another spell for fuck’s sake. Why always the incendio? How about this one? SECTUMSEMPRA!

Rena points her broom at BK. Two white curves of light shoot out and cut him in half.

BK: Blargh!

Rena: See? That’s not a hard one.

Yoko: BK!

Yoko grabs Latino’s last beer, and throws it at Rena. It breaks as it hits her in the face. Suddenly, she begins to smoke profusely.

Rena: AHHHH! I’M MELTING! I’M MELTING! OH WHAT A WORLD!

Rena quickly melts into a puddle.

Mr. Floppy: That was unusual.

Ridley: …Way to go, you killed another one.

Yoko: I don’t understand, I just got angry and threw the closest thing…

Ridley: It’s some kind of chemical weakness. Alcohol reacts with the DNA of wenches and melts them. It’s a major weakness that I didn’t even think of. Too bad we’re out of beer.

Latino: Yeah, that was my last one. I was about to drink it, too.

Yoko: I see…

Yoko picks up Rena’s broom. Rose was partially shocked by Rena’s death but this pulls her out of it.

Rose: You kill my sister and take her ruby slippers, and then you kill my other sister and take her broom…and you wonder why I want you dead? I didn’t like them and we were always plotting against each other, but damn it, they were my sisters!

Yoko: Don’t care. I’ve had enough of this crap. I’ve been in and out of imminent death from the moment I got here, all because of you. I’m going to kill you, and I’m going to go home.

Rose: Kill me? How?

Yoko: This broom. I know your spell words now. I wouldn’t have figured it out from your single one, but Rena used a few and I’ve put it together.

Rose: Girl, knowing spell words doesn’t mean you can use magic. You have to know the magical arts.

Yoko clicks her heels together.

Yoko: If these ruby slippers block most spells and augment the power of the wearer, I figure they give someone like me with no magic training some power to begin with. Say goodbye, bitch. AVADA KEDAVRA!

A green bolt fires out of Yoko’s broom and nails Rose in the chest. Rose collapses right there, dead. Yoko hands Mr. Floppy to Ridley and picks up Rose’s broom.

Ridley: You totally kicked her ass.

BK’s pulled his torso back to his legs now and is standing himself back up.

BK: Three wenches in one day, wow.

Latino: You’ll be a bust in the hall of fame, or something.

Yoko: Yeah yeah. So I’ve heard. Let’s just get this broom back to the wizard.

Ridley: Can you apparate us so we don’t have to go back through the woods and get into another zany adventure?

Yoko: I don’t know, I-

Suddenly they’re in the wizard’s chamber.

Yoko: I apparently can, yes. I don’t know how I did that though.

Wizard: Wha? What? Who’s there? …Can I believe my eyes, have you come back?

Yoko: Yes sir, and we did just as you asked! We brought you the broom of the Wicked Wench of the West!

Yoko sets it down on the ground.

Wizard: You actually did it?

Yoko: Yes, and I really want to go home now.

Wizard: …I’ll think about it, come back tomorrow.

Ridley: WHAT?! You said-

Wizard: SILENCE! I HAVE SAID I WILL THINK ABOUT IT, DO NOT CRITICIZE THE WIZARD!

Mr. Floppy(Whispering to Ridley): I bet the wizard’s behind that curtain over there and is just a sad little man.

Ridley: I bet you’re right.

Ridley walks over to the curtain and opens it. He reveals…a window. The sunlight shines in.

Wizard: Hey, stop messing with my curtain.

Ridley: Um…Sorry.

Wizard: Hey, young lady, what’s that other broom you have? I just noticed it.

Yoko: This one? This one belonged to Rena, the Wicked Wench of the South.

Wizard: Pardon me? You killed Rena too? And Jade earlier, right?

Yoko: Yeah.

A man walks out of the smoke from below the giant hood. He’s got a purple wizard hat with a skull on it, a purple cape, a purple scarf covering his mouth, little pointy elf boots, and a staff that ends with a large sun ornament. Despite the clothes, Yoko recognizes him as Kross.

Ridley: …Wait a minute, who are you?

Kross: The wizard, duh. So you killed Rena and Rose at the same time? That’s commendable. I asked you to do a task, and you did some bonus work. Doing something for someone isn’t a big deal, but doing extra stuff means something. For that, you can have your things.

BK: If you’re the wizard, what’s the big black hood?

Kross: Big black hood? That’s a hot air balloon I was building. This is my laboratory.

[Yoko Satoshi]

Ridley: So you’re just a guy? Not a wizard…mon?

Kross: What’d you just call me?

Ridley: Nothing.

Kross: That’s right nothing. By the way, Thunderball.

Ridley: What?

A tiny orb shoots out of Kross’ staff, hitting Ridley into the chest, electrocuting him for a moment.

Ridley: Argh, you jerk. That stings.

Yoko: You said we could have our things…

Kross: Yes, you can. Let me see here…

A black bag appears in Kross’ hand. He reaches into it.

Kross: BK, you need…A brain.

BK: What? No, I wanted a record deal.

Kross: But what you NEED is a brain. I mean, come on. You’re a scarecrow. You don’t need a record deal, you need a brain. With a brain, you’d have realized you can’t get a record deal. Especially not here, Woz doesn’t even have recording equipment I think. Besides, knowledge is what attracts girls, not record deals.

Kross pulls a brain out of the bag and hands it to BK.

BK: …What do I do with this? Is this a real brain? That’s gross.

Kross: That’s up to you, the world is your oyster! Now, Ridley. You wanted a pardon, yes?

Ridley: Yes. I need a pardon.

Kross reaches into the bag, but his hand comes out empty.

Kross: I’m sorry, but what you really need is some advice from a wise man. Usually I charge for this, but it’s free this time. GROW UP AND STOP BEING IMMATURE. Get a sense of humor. Maybe if you didn’t overreact to people not doing things your way and killing them for it, you wouldn’t have a death sentence on yourself. And besides, girls dig mature guys.

Ridley: You’re joking, right? I SERIOUSLY NEED A PARDON.

Kross: I help those who help themselves. Which brings me to Latino. You-

Ridley: No, give me a fucking pardon, or I’ll-

Kross: Thunderball.

A much larger orb than before shoots out and engulfs Ridley, sending him back a few feet and keeping him in place as electricity circulates through him.

Kross: …Which brings me to Latino. You’re a brave man, but your alcohol makes you recklessly brave. You don’t need alcohol to save your friends, and besides, girls don’t like drunks. You need something to impress the girls. Something like a sexy ride. I built this in my spare time.

He turns the black bag upside down, and a full sized low rider magically falls out. Latino stares in awe.

Kross: Go ahead and hop in. It even does the hoppy hoppy thing people like so much.

Latino jumps into the drivers side and messes with the hydraulics, making it bounce around.

Latino: This is so much better than a never ending bottle of beer!

Kross: Remember, don’t drink and drive. Now, Yoko.

Mr. Floppy: All of your things seem to involve impressing girls. Could I maybe get something? I was involved the entire time, you know.

Kross: All new requests must be submitted in writing and mailed to the central office, sorry. Now, Yoko. You want a trip home.

Yoko: Yes. But I suppose you’ll give me something else.

Kross: Actually, what you need is in fact a trip home. But I can’t really keep something like that in a bag.

Yoko: Then I’m out of luck?

Kross: Not necessarily. You can see the hot air balloon I’ve been working on. I’m trying to get back home, too.

Yoko: You’re not from here either?

Kross: Nope. I was flying around in a hot air balloon, it got caught in a tornado, the balloon busted, and I crashed here in Emerald City, on top of the old wizard, coincidentally enough. They made me the new wizard of Woz, and I’ve been here ever since. Don’t get me wrong, magic is nice, but there is not much technology here. The low rider, my balloon, and your friend’s tree trimmer are the only things that come to mind. So what I’m saying is that you can travel back with me in the balloon, and then we’ll send you back to wherever you’re from once we get back to our world.

Yoko: Mr. Floppy, we’re finally going home!

Kross: We can start setting up now and probably leave in a few hours, if you want.

Yoko: Oh, I do! I do!