|
|
Post by ridley on Oct 30, 2004 11:28:07 GMT -5
DUNGEONS AND DRAGON SUPLEXES: THE FINAL CHAPTER
[glow=red,2,300]DEVIL'S NIGHT EDITION[/glow] As the scene fades in, the screen is completely dark except for a pair of glowing red lips, mouthing in time to a song playing in the background....Magic Mouth: I never met an O.G. who never did shit wrong You tried to diss the Eazy-E so now, nigga, it's on You and ya Doggy Dogg, think you all hot and shit Both of y'all bitches can come and suck--- A black-gloved hand switches off the magic mouth, and the view pulls back significantly to reveal Ridley, Alexandra, Skurai, and Yoko, accompanied by a host of druids.Ridley: Get the altar up; we're starting the summoning as soon as possible. Alexandra: Will do. In the background, the henchmen get to work setting up a massive altar while Ridley gathers up an armful of crystals, dried body parts, and loaded d20 dice.Ridley: They'll be up in ten minutes if unopposed. Yoko, Skurai, get down there and stop them. Yoko: Yes, m'lord. =================================== The door from the cellar slams open, and Sir Shade charges into the foyer with sword drawn.Shade: WHAT FOUL MANNER OF BEAST oh wait, it's empty. Somewhat abashed, he gets out of a fighting stance as the rest of the party enters from behind.AK: So what now? Kross: I would assume we could take that massive staircase up the center that obviously leads up to the chamber where the Necromancer is. Amo: Or we could just take the elevator. He points to the elevator built into the side wall.Shade: Good enough. Shade presses the "Up" button on the elevator and waits....waits....waits...until finally it opens.
Revealing Yoko and about twelve Red Slaadi with warhammers.Yoko: THERE THEY ARE!!! Shade: OK, change of plans, TAKE THE STAIRS!!! |
|
|
|
Post by ridley on Oct 30, 2004 11:43:39 GMT -5
The four charge up the staircase, panting frantically, with the Slaadi in hot pursuit behind them. About eighty feet into the ascension, the staircase starts to spiral upward, requiring a lot of turning.
Amo: I don't know....*pant pant*....why the fuck we...had to take the stairs....*wheeze*
AK: Because *whoo*....there's a bunch of demons....*huff puff*....behind us....
Yoko: I'M GONNA *cough, hack* GET YOU EVENTUALLY!!!
Shade: Just how tall.....*sneeze*....is this tower, actually?
AK: I think...*biff, sock, kapow*...it's supposed to be...*Ridley owns your ass*....a couple miles high...
======================================
With the altar set up and most of the components burning on it, Ridley kneels and begins to recite an incantation in the Elder Tongue, accompanying the somatic component with a variety of hand gestures to accentuate his chanting.
Alexandra: Seal off the doors. Nobody should be allowed in.
Random Guard: Yes, madam.
======================================
The party, along with their pursuers, are now trudging up the stairs, exhausted, at a snail's pace. The Lone Ranger theme plays in the background.
Shade: ......this is ridiculous.
Yoko: You're telling me. I LIVE here and I had no idea these stairs went this high.
Robert Plant: AND SHE'S BUYING A STAIRWAY---
Kross backhands Plant off the stairs.
Amo: I told you we should've taken---
A blaze of hellfire above them announces the arrival of another familiar face, and a spear lodges itself in the stairs, pulling its owner up.
Skurai: COME HERE!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by ridley on Oct 30, 2004 11:59:55 GMT -5
The cloaked tiefling launches a snake-headed spear from each arm, grappling up to the ceiling, and rains fire down on the party, scattering them all over the staircase.
Skurai: YOU BETTA BRACE YOSELF MUTHAFUCKA!!!
Shade: AW SHIT SON IT'S WAYNE SKURAI!!!
Amo: HEEEEEEIIIIIIIIDEEEEEEEEEEN---
AK: No. We don't want Bladeshadow to tear his stitches.
Amo: Oh, right. *very low voice* Heidenreich.
AK: Better.
Yoko: Finish them off, Skurai, while I gather my tractors and charge forth!!!
Assorted Slaad Warriors: GATHER OUR TRACTORS!!! GATHER OUR TRAILERS!!!
Yoko: Charge!!!
Black, leathery wings erupt from Skurai's back as he swoops down on the four heroes, who dive over the side of the staircase and catch the side of the elevator, which is inexplicably heading upward along with them. They swing up onto the top, and drop down into the elevator as it ascends.
Skurai, Yoko, and the troops stare at the rising elevator.
Skurai: How the hell did they coordinate that?
Yoko: Good timing and a convenient deus ex mach---
Skurai: That was rhetorical.
Yoko: *jumps on Skurai's back* Shut up and chase the elevator!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by ridley on Oct 30, 2004 12:15:13 GMT -5
As Ridley finishes the ritual, a neon green vortex tornado thingy opens up on the altar, with a series of souls swarming around inside it.
Ridley: Ah! The soulnado is ready!!! Now, to summon my army of the Fallen Souls....
He starts a second incantation as the soulnado pulsates WITH THE POWER OF A THOUSAND MOONS.
=====================================
Cheery music plays from the elevator as the party ascends.
The Beatles: Help, I need somebody....help, not just anybody....help, I need somebody.....
Skurai explodes from the floor of the elevator with Yoko clinging to his back, and the two land right in the middle of the group.
The Beatles and Amo: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!
The camera's viewpoint shifts to outside the elevator, which is shaking back and forth quite hard as screams echo out of it.
Shade: OW, GET OFF!!!
Yoko: KILL THEM!!!
AK: HE'S GOT A KNIFE!!!
Kross: THIS CALLS FOR DIVINE INTERVENTION!!!
AK: NO, DON'T---
A spell of Holy Flare is evidently cast inside the elevator, and a blinding light shines out the sides from within.
Amo: OH, FUCK, I'M BLIND!!!
Yoko: I CAN'T SEE!!!
AK: I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT!!!
Kross: MY EYES!!!
Rocky: AAAAAAAAAAADRIEEEEEEEENNE!!!!!
The elevator passes one of its normal stops, and a pair of soldiers are about to get on before they see the light and the shaking elevator. Plus the screaming.
They let it pass.
Soldier 1: You know what my mother always said. If this elevator's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.
A brief pause.
Soldier 2: Nobody says that, you fag.
Soldier 1: ...............why do you hurt me so?
|
|
|
|
Post by ridley on Oct 30, 2004 12:27:05 GMT -5
Ridley stands, shouting the final words of his summoning spell, and raises his hands in the air in victory....
Ridley: DEMENTIUS MORGAVIUM CELESTI----
CRASH!!! Shade, AK, Kross, Amo, Yoko, and Skurai, who were in the process of fighting, explode through the wall in a huge "fight cloud" and land right in the middle of things. Ridley stops the chant, turns, and is astonished as everybody leaps to their feet.
Ridley: Skurai!
Skurai: Lord Ridley!
Shade: The Necromancer!
Alexandra: A paladin!
AK: Alexandra!
Ridley: AK?
Yoko: Kross!
Kross: Amo!
Amo: HIGH DEN RIKE!!!
Alexandra: Yoko!
Shade: Ridley!
Ridley: SKURAI!!!!
Skurai: That's it! I'll finish them off now!!!
He launches the spear at Shade, but it's caught---by Drahmin and Moloch, who pick Skurai up and toss him in the soulnado.
Drahmin: Quan Chi said to throw you in the soulnado, yup yup.
Moloch: And we've gotta do what Quan Chi says, uh huh.
Skurai: You retards, you've got the wrong revenant YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-----
Silence.
Shade: Oh my God, he's been ripped apart.
Ridley: Nah, he's just taking a breath.
Skurai: ------YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Ridley: NOW he's been ripped apart.
He turns, suddenly alarmed.
Ridley: Blast. I never finished the incantation. Who knows what I may have brought forth from---
A gigantic, milky eye peers through the shattered stainglass window, and a myriad of tentacles start pushing their way into the chamber.
Yoko: Oh, great. It's fuckin' Cthulhu.
|
|
|
|
Post by ridley on Oct 30, 2004 12:37:24 GMT -5
AK: I'm thinking right now that dulce et decorum est to put away our differences and try to survive.
She blasts a tentacle with a blaze of fire from her staff.
Ridley: It's either that, or become Cthulhuites and receive whatever privilege he may give us.
AK: Which would be what? Riches?
Amo: Eternal life?
Yoko: Ultimate power?
Shade: Free healthcare?
Kross: Divine blessing?
Ridley: Well, we'd be the last to be eaten.
A brief pause.
They immediately turn to the tentacles grasping at them, swinging and blasting.
Shade: Now that I think on it, it IS the lesser of two evils.
Ridley: Told you you'd see things my way.
AK shoots the eye that's looking through the window with a barrage of magic missiles. A deep squeal is heard, and Cthulhu pulls back, revealing that it's relatively bipedal, with a mouth full of tentacles and a pair of giant wings.
AK: Mother of God.
Ridley: It's beautiful. Too bad we have to chase it off.
AK: Don't you mean "kill it"?
Ridley: I'm pretty sure that's impossible.
|
|
|
|
Post by ridley on Oct 30, 2004 12:43:38 GMT -5
AK drops the d20 she was holding on the table.
AK: Wait a minute, unkillable? What the hell were you thinking sending us up against this?
Ridley: Without some kind of assistance, for that matter...
Ginger, a bit annoyed, looks over his DM screen at the two.
Ginger: Because you're supposed to run.
Bladeshadow: Run?
Ginger: Yeah. He who fights and runs away...
Yoko: Is a pussy.
Ridley: Well said.
Ginger: OK, OK, OK....fine, I'll change it up some. Here goes...
|
|
|
|
Post by ridley on Oct 30, 2004 12:47:08 GMT -5
Suddenly, a NUCLEAR MISSILE comes flying down from the sky and obliterates the Great Old One with a single mushroom cloud-producing explosion. There's silence....and then nothing.Ridley: A missile? Ginger, you douche. Shade: Christ. Overkill much? The camera starts pulling back and out of the tower. It's out the window by the next line.AK: I wonder why the blast didn't affect the tower. Ridley: Hopefully, it's because of my sorcery of ownage. Alexandra: And mine. Ridley: But mostly mine. Further pullback reveals that the tower was blown sky-high, and is now drifting upright in the sea.Amo: Uh, guys? Kross: Amo, what are you doing in the window? More pullback reveals that there's no land in sight.Amo: I think we have a bigger problem. THE END
|
|
|
|
Post by ridley on Oct 30, 2004 12:53:46 GMT -5
I figured I should clarify the draw for this one. Soldiers 1 and 2 were BOTH portrayed by our resident excellent thespian, BK London.  |
|
|
|
Post by Orochi on Oct 30, 2004 13:07:01 GMT -5
Hurray.
|
|
|
|
Post by Trainer kross on Oct 30, 2004 13:29:15 GMT -5
I got to backhand Robert Plant. I can safetly say that I am more than happy with this ending. Kudos to ya for your great three part story.
|
|
|
|
Post by Alicia "Atomic" Kitsune on Oct 30, 2004 15:55:24 GMT -5
Absolutely superb. All we have to do now is sell the rights to Peter Jackson and make a fortune. I laughed worryingly hard at, well, pretty much all of it. I believe a sequel may be required at some point in the future....  |
|
|
|
Post by Yoko Satoshi on Oct 30, 2004 18:31:20 GMT -5
Hooray for the tractors, and hooray for my Cthulhu line. Nice of you to include it.
|
|
|
|
Post by neoegg104 on Oct 30, 2004 20:04:59 GMT -5
Yes yes great ending indeed.  |
|
|
|
Post by scrawn on Nov 1, 2004 11:12:26 GMT -5
I wasn't in it  |
|
