Post by worldbreaker on Dec 30, 2009 20:14:01 GMT -5
“THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING”
Credit: Thunderkiss
Credit: Thunderkiss
Thunderkiss *singing*: Have yourseelffffffff a merry little Christmassss.
Anna Sommers *singing*: Mayyyyyyy your hearrrrrrt be light!
[It’s like an animated version of the Thunderkiss family Christmas card. Decked in matching Santa hats, the lovely couple comes to us LIVE from the living room of their man made castle in sunny San Fernando, California. Anna resides snug underneath TK’s left arm while a cup of hot, steaming chocolate is held onto by the other. To make this as festival as possible, Thunderkiss has hired two illegal Mexican immigrants to throw fake snow over both he and his wife. ‘Tis the season.]
Thunderkiss: Watch where you are throwing that shit or I’ll have you back outside waiting in the parking lot of Home Depot in no time, Pedro!
Illegal Mexican: Si senior Thunderkiss.
Thunderkiss: Yule tide greetings I bring to you, my Army! By now most of you are packing up your decorations, throwing out your empty boxes and drinking the last of the egg nog. It would seem there is nothing left to look forward to but the winter doldrums.
Anna Sommers: What about New Years?! It’s the bestest night of them all, puddin’! I like the fireworks and the confetti and all the pretty lights and the singing and the -
Thunderkiss: *interrupting* Quiet, woman, I am paying by the second here, and unless you want to flash those titties on a webcam for some coin, I’d suggest closing those pouty little lips of yours.
Anna Sommers: Sorry.
Thunderkiss: Tonight I am here to tell you that Santa still has one last present for you and wow, it’s a big one. So secret cutters, put down those knifes and throw away your Prozac. Everyone else, be thankful you are not an ill to society and should be locked away for the safety of us all. Now unless you have been hidden under a rock the last few days, you’d know that moi has declared himself as the one, true, champion of the world.
Anna Sommers *gasp*: Oh, the GALL of this man! He makes everything about himself, that attention whore of a jerk!
Thunderkiss: Yup. An asshole am I, alright. However, what is done is done and as the Japanese say, “que sera, sera.”
Anna Sommers: That means, “Whatever will be, will be.” I heard it one a song once.
Thunderkiss: Astute as ever, little lady. You keep that up and you are going to make Robert Stack turn over in his grave, because the you’ll have solved the mystery! Get it? Unsolved mysteries?
Anna Sommers: No old man, nobody gets your old pop culture jokes.
Thunderkiss: Whoa, ramble alert! You will have to forgive me, it is so hard to get side tracked when sitting next to a fine piece of ass!
Anna Sommers: You know it!
[Shake what your mama gave ya. The thrill of the spotlight and a few shots of tequila is all the motivation Anna needs to pull down her pants and flash her derriere on the screens of millions of television sets worldwide. The pause buttons on DVR’s will be working overtime for the foreseeable future.]
Thunderkiss: Anyway, on the next thrilling installment of ACW Warfare, which is a very generous adjective to use considering its track record as of late, I promise to deliver on a most shocking announcement. Since I have made my last blockbuster announcement, the naysayers have been amassing to point out the fact that you can’t wage war against anything without an army. Now while it is debatable that I am not a one man army in itself, I am fully aware that with strength comes numbers and all that jazz.
Anna Sommers: You mean with numbers comes strength?
Thunderkiss *looking annoyed*: Just sit over there and look pretty. What I am getting at here for those who just want me to spit it out is that since I gave the ACW roster and ultimatum my phone has been ringing off the hook. Looks like others have felt the same way as I over the years and just needed a bit of motivation to stand up and speak out. Soon, very soon in fact, you’re going to meet a few of them. For those of you who think I am just blowing smoke out of my ass, let me remind you that first, I am not into that anymore and second, I am not a man who cries wolf.
Anna Sommers: Professional wrestling is serious business, ya’ know!
Thunderkiss: Extremely serious! Now I bid you farewell and remember to party like it’s 1999, even though it’s 2010 and there are no flying cars.
Anna Sommers: Or transportation machines, like in Star Trek! Beam me up, Scotty!
Thunderkiss: Or laser guns.
Anna Sommers: But we do have AIDS! And War! Don’t forget about famine, too!
Thunderkiss: This world sucks. Wake me up when 2012 gets here.
[FADE]