Monday Night Warfare 2nd January 2006

[hunter]

Kalb has reason to fret, what with the countless amounts of men wearing strange outfits and dancing with each other to the crooning tune of “What Is Love?” Kalb slowly starts backing up, but Hunter stops him.

Hunter: We still have to ASK.

Kalb: …fuck…

Hunter sees the bar and quickly motions for everyone to follow him. They do and he comes up to the male bartender, who is wearing a silk shirt and a pirate hat.

Hunter: Hi.

Bartender: Why hello there, sailor. Who’s your friend?

Hunter follows the bartender’s finger and sees that he’s motioning toward Fitsharris, who’s silently bobbing his head to the music (think the Roxbury boys).

Hunter: Uh…that’s not important.

Bartender: Mmm…I beg to differ.

Effeminate giggle.

Hunter: In…deed…well, regardless, we’re looking for someone.

Bartender: Well everyone’s looking for someone, darling, if you know what I mean.

The bartender’s hand slides onto Hunter’s. Hunter quickly moves it away.

Hunter: I’m…taken.

Bartender: Shucks. The good ones always are. What about your friend?

Hunter: Uh…that’s my partner.

Bartender: Nice choice. And your other friend?

Hunter: …my other partner.

The bartender raises an eyebrow.

Hunter: Hey, our marriage isn’t legalized. Technically speaking, it’s not polygamy.

Bartender: Hmm…you’re quite the catch. Sometime when you’d like another partner…call me.

Hunter: …sure. Now can you help me or not?

Bartender (sighing): Sure, why not? Who’re you looking for?

Hunter: The Bush daughters.

Bartender: I think they’re here. I’m not so sure, though.

He turns to the man behind the bar next to him.

Bartender: Hey Larry, did the Bush daughters come in yet?

Larry: I don’t know. What do they look like?

Bartender: Puh-lease, Larry. They’re the only females that ever walk in here.

Larry: Nah, I ain’t seen them.

The bartender spanks Larry.

Bartender: Don’t talk to me like that!

Larry: Sorry…

The bartender turns back toward Hunter.

Bartender: Sorry, they’re not in yet. Can I take a message?

Hunter: No…we’re good…

Hunter slowly backs up and rejoins Kalb and the cameraman.

Hunter: Let’s get the fuck out.

Kalb: With pleasure. Where’s Fitsharris?

Hunter looks around and finally sees Fitsharris…who’s in the middle of the crowd dancing with everyone else. Hunter quickly runs in and grabs him by the arm, then drags him out of the crowd amidst many boos. He quickly runs out of the bar and everyone jumps into the van.

Hunter: …let’s never speak of this again.

He starts the van and they back up and drive away from the bar.

Fade Out

[hunter]

Match #7: Hunter vs. Latino – Alcatraz Match – Heatwave ’05 (Credit: AK)

The arena becomes quieter as the lights start to dim; the fans know what’s coming next, and the gravity of the situation hangs over the arena like a thick fog. An unfamiliar scene starts to resolve into focus.

The camera shows a corridor, whitewashed and lined with open fronted cells. A section of the bars in each cell opens into a door, but there is no privacy for those within. There are no windows; only harsh neon lights, and a single skylight about halfway along the corridor. A referee walks into shot, and holds a mic up to his mouth; talking clearly isn’t his usual forte.

Referee:….ahem… Good Evening ACW. This is the venue for our next match, the so - called “Alcatraz” contest. Sirs, would you please bring forward the competitors.

In this stark environment, there are no big entrances and no introductions. The fans see Latino walk into shot, escorted by a guard, and he enters the cell to the left of the referee; the door is closed, and he waits silently. Then, a group of three guards walk out into the picture, flanking Hunter; Hunter is wearing a prison issue top over his wrestling attire, and the guards follow him all the way into the cell on the right before removing the handcuffs he’s wearing. Hunter stands passively as the group retreats and close the door; The largest of the guards makes a signal with his hand, and the automatic locks on the doors engage. At the far end of the corridor, beyond the referee, a slight glint indicates the location of the keys which will also secure the cell doors if used correctly.

The referee hands the mic to one of the guards, who wordlessly file out of shot. Their footsteps recede gradually, until a final bang of a door indicates that the building is now empty apart from the three men shown on screen. There is a pause, and the referee nods at the camera, his signal to those watching in the prison’s control room and in the arena itself.

A bell rings from somewhere in the prison block, echoed by that in the arena.

There is a “click” as the automatic locking on all the cells in the block is disengaged. Hunter watches, his hands almost crushing the metal bars, as Latino approaches his door and opens it, stepping out into the harsh neon light. Latino takes the few steps across the corridor, until he is nose to nose with Hunter. The pair look at each other, Hunter’s emotions too intense for expression through simple words.

Latino: So? You coming out, or what? You talk about revenge…. and now you’re too much of a coward to try and take it?

Latino laughs, and then slowly, Hunter starts to open the door, staying behind it. When it’s about a third of the way open, Latino takes a step forward – and that’s when Hunter strikes, pushing back hard on the door and driving it into Latino’s body and face. Latino yells and staggers back into the corridor, and now Hunter springs into vivid, raging life, coming out of his cell like a tornado and shoulder – charging his foe backward into the opposite cell wall, with a loud clang. Hunter batters Latino with a storm of punches, his rage increasing his strength to a frightening degree that would have annihilated a lesser man, but Latino responds with blows that if not quite so fierce are more precisely placed. After about 15 seconds, both men separate, their initial adrenaline surges burned out, and the crowd watches intently as the real tactical battle to dismantle their opponent begins.

Deciding that he needs a little time to think, Latino moves back into the cell that he came out of. Hunter follows, and Latino tries to pull the door closed – Hunter has his arm already through the door, and he grunts as the heavy metal squeezes it. Seeing a chance to give Hunter a very nasty handicap, Latino grabs the door and tries to deliberately crush Hunter’s arm; fortunately, Hunter pulls his arm back just in time and Latino only succeeds in separating the pair of them. Hunter’s eyes are coals of seething anger; he wrenches the door, which Latino is holding shut, and then suddenly remembers the “purpose” of the match. At the end of the corridor, just visible, is a large set of keys hanging on the wall; Hunter smiles darkly, and then makes a run down the corridor toward his goal. Behind him, he can hear the sound of Latino bursting out of the cell and giving chase; he reaches the end of the corridor and emerges into a small open area where two other corridors of cells branch off. Hunter grabs the keys and laughs, but as he turns around, he discovers… nothing. The building is silent, and of Latino there is no sign at all; only the referee is visible, standing quietly back at the other end of the original corridor with instructions not to interfere with the match itself.

[hunter]

Hunter realizes that, with all the cells empty and unlocked, Latino could now be hiding in any one of them. He looks at the keys, and then takes a corner of his prison issue clothing, knotting it around the circular keyring, so that he can’t be separated from the tool he needs for victory. Then he stands, hand on hips, and surveys the scene.

Hunter: You can’t hide from me, Victor.

No response.

Hunter: Now who’s the coward? Not so much fun when your victim fights back, is it?

His voice is becoming unstable and dangerous. Hunter’s eyes dart around, and then there’s a sound – very faint, perhaps a boot touching a metal door. It’s coming from the corridor Hunter came out of, and Hunter smiles again. He walks forward slowly, looking into each cell, keys jangling against his thigh. As he approaches the two cells where they started, Hunter frowns.

Hunter: Come on Victor, this is TOO easy.

Carefully, he steps forward, ready for an attack – but nothing happens, and to his left and right the starting cells are empty. Now Hunter really is confused; he looks again, but there is still nothing, and nothing for Latino to be hiding behind. Strangely enough, it seems to be darker here than before. Perhaps a light failed –

The slight shift in the shadows around him is the only warning that Hunter gets before Latino launches into the Last Night’s Hangover from the skylight ledge directly above. But Hunter has already thought about Latino using this move, and bracing himself he catches the plummeting Puerto Rican and hurls him forcefully back into the cell that he came out of. Latino crashes straight into the ceramic sink, dislodging it from the wall; water starts to pour out, and the cold shock wakes Latino up as he hears Hunter fumbling with the keys. Not realizing this side effect has occurred, Hunter doesn’t see Latino rushing at him, and Latino gets an open shot at his foe – his uppercut connects with great force, and Hunter loses his bearings as Latino continues to beat him, knocking him down and then pinning him with his weight as he tries to batter Hunter into unconsciousness. As Hunter does his best to rally, something wet drips on to his face and slides off; it’s water, mixed with blood from a wound on Latino’s head caused by the collision with the sink. This has a similar effect on Hunter to that observed when blood spills into shark – infested seas; with a roar of fury, Hunter throws Latino off of him and stamps furiously on his opponent. Since this bizarre match has a no DQ stipulation, the ref simply keeps his distance, but the look on his face of increasing nervousness is a mirror of the audience, watching back in the arena. As Latino tries to get up, Hunter lifts him and delivers the Phoenix Exploder; the fans all wince, and Latino looks in bad shape as Hunter starts to drag him back into his cell.

If Hunter thinks that he’s got the match won, however, he’s mistaken. As soon as he lets Latino go and turns to exit the cell, Latino jumps back up, grabs the dislodged sink, and rushes at Hunter with it aimed at his head. Hunter spins around, and makes a desperation tackle to block it; both men land hard on the concrete floor, and the sink falls, smashing into innumerable pieces of sharp porcelain and broken metal. Latino is the first up, and he savagely DDTs Hunter into the shard – covered concrete floor; the audience cringes, and as Latino gets up, he rolls Hunter over to show that he’s bleeding from several cut wounds across his face and arms. Deciding that this is a dangerous place to continue fighting, Latino pulls Hunter out of the wrecked room and into his original cell across the corridor; once there, Latino unties the keys from Hunter’s clothing. As he takes them, however, Hunter’s eyes snap open and his hand shoots up to grab Latino’s wrist; eye to eye, Latino throws the keys to his other hand and, palming one so that its point aims downward, tries to jam it into Hunter’s eye. Hunter jerks his head aside just in time, and then hits back by kneeing Latino in the groin; Latino’s eyes widen and he rolls off of Hunter, but in doing so he flings the keys out into the corridor. If he had hoped to distract Hunter with this, it doesn’t work; Hunter has other plans, and he pulls off a quick elbow drop to the throat before nailing the APM, driving Latino’s head against the concrete.

[hunter]

Both men are still bleeding, and the floors are becoming stained with streaks of their blood in a gruesome manner. This doesn’t bother Hunter in the least, however; he leaves Latino and goes in search of the keys, finding them lying just outside the cell. He’s reaching for them when Latino bursts out of the cell; Hunter is taken aback that Latino has recovered so quickly, and in other circumstances might have been a little impressed. As it is, his fury just grows, and he lets it out in a surge of punches. Toe to toe, Latino and Hunter brawl in the corridor, and the match has become a true fight; both men are starting to show bruises under the blood and dirt, and this only increases as Latino executes a snap suplex, sending Hunter back against a cell door. The unlocked door gives way and Hunter ends up in the cell; there’s not much room to move, and Latino jumps up on to the bunk bed to gain height for Coqui’s flight. He jumps off, but Hunter rolls under the bunk bed to get out of the way, and Latino hits the bare floor. In a sequence that gives ACW’s younger viewers nightmares for weeks, Latino finds himself grabbed by a pair of grubby, wounded and blood streaked hands extending from under the bunk, and the camera catches a glimpse of a close – to - psychotic Hunter, eyes alight with malice as he drags his prey into the suffocating darkness beneath the bed. It’s too dark in the confines of the cell to see what goes on for the next 30 seconds or so; but there is a lot of noise, shouting and banging as Latino and Hunter struggle with one another, and the noise of what sounds horribly like someone having their head beaten against concrete. Finally, Hunter wriggles out; dust has fallen from the ancient mattress above, and made Hunter look even more frightful as he hauls Latino out behind him; Latino barely seems to be conscious, and Hunter’s hands hover close to his neck for a moment or two. The audience is getting seriously worried now, but to their relief Hunter snaps back to some sort of sanity, and gets up to go and retrieve the keys.

Hunter stoops to collect the collection of keys, and turns them over in his hands. Somehow, when he turns around and sees Latino leaning against the cell door, he’s not surprised; he drops the keys again, and he and Latino throws themselves at on e another. The grapple, and Latino gets Hunter into a headlock – there is a concrete wall pillar directly ahead, and Latino rams Hunter into it once, twice, three times. On the third, however, Hunter breaks free, and proceeds to return the favor; Latino, having taken several head blows already, struggles to stay on his feet and Hunter drops him on the floor on his chest. It’s a simple enough task for him to carry out the APM II, and then to the audience’s horror, Hunter also delivers the Shotgun. The referee, who’s becoming very concerned, comes to check on Latino; but Hunter’s anger is burning fiercely now, and he pushes the referee away. The ref tries to argue, but Hunter takes a swing at him; the referee gets out of the way, and Hunter gives chase until the ref has been scared right out of the corridor. By now the fans are becoming vocal in their concern, as it’s clear that Hunter wants no interruptions to his “revenge”; he gives the cameraman a glare that suggests he shouldn’t try anything similar, and the camera shakes a little as it follows Hunter back to where Latino is still lying on the ground.


Hunter looks ready to end the match…. But Latino clearly doesn’t share the view. As Hunter approaches, incredibly Latino stirs; Hunter speeds up, but now Latino knows that he’s fighting for his life, and there’s little that provides a stronger incentive to a person to go beyond their normal limits. Latino balls his fists, and kips up; he weaves a little as he moves forward, but still manages to fake his first punch so that Hunter ducks right into the path of the second. Reeling, Hunter ends up against the bars of his original cell; Latino kicks him hard in the groin, and then grabs on to Hunter, spins the pair of them around in front of the open door, and suplexes Hunter backward into it. Using all the speed he has left, Latino pulls the door shut and grabs the keys from the floor; he gets the key into the lock as Hunter pulls himself up using the bed. Hunter realizes he has only one shot, and with a roar of fury charge the door. He crashes into it just before Latino can turn the key, and the door flies open; Latino stumbles back against the wall, and Hunter grabs him, lifts him up and nails the Magnum driver, making the crowd roar back in shock at the ferocious move. Bleeding and becoming light headed, Hunter drags Latino into the nearest cell – the shard – covered one that Latino originally occupied; as he looks down at him, Latino opens his eyes, and the crowd goes mental. Even Hunter looks shocked, now – the Magnum Driver is his most powerful move, and yet even this hasn’t taken Latino out of the equation. Slowly, Latino gets up; he smirks, and Hunter’s face becomes a mask of grief and hate, mingling until they corrupt his features, and then, only then, does Latino start to look afraid….

Both men fight like cornered animals, the prison bringing out their most base instincts. Punching, scratching, they try to down each other just long enough to get out of the cell and lock it. Latino finally throws Hunter into the wall and makes a break – but Hunter grabs him as he reaches the door. As the pair struggle, Hunter looks at the bed, and gets a strange look on his face; he pulls Latino toward him and elbows him between the eyes, and then gets up on to the bed, lifting Latino with him. There’s just barely room for Hunter to stand, and he has to bend forward a little as he gets Latino on his shoulders; the crowd starts to shout, not wanting to think about what Hunter might be planning… but it’s worse than any of them expected. Hunter jumps off and delivers the Rubix Cube (henceforth known as the Alter Event) straight on to the unforgiving floor; the crowd screams, and Latino slumps, motionless. The camera zooms in as Hunter staggers out of the cell; only the slow rise and fall of Latino’s chest indicates that he’s still present in this world. Gasping from who knows what injuries, Hunter picks up the keys, closes the door, and turns the key in the lock. There is no bell and no ref to raise his hand, but there doesn’t need to be. In the arena, the fans are quiet as Philip announces the official result.

Philip: Jesus…. I guess, the winner of this match is…… Hunter.

Fade Out

[hunter]

Segment: Fast Times At The Senate – Sean Penn Not Included

We return from yet another commercial break to find our merry band of justice-seekers driving their van down the center of Washington D.C. They gaze at the sites all around them, trying desperately not to get caught off guard and failing their mission. Hunter turns and looks at Fitsharris, who is genially leaning out the window, taking in the breeze. Hunter grabs him and quickly pulls him back inside before he gets hit by a car.

Hunter: All right, so the daughters thing didn’t work. Anything else?

Kalb: How about…

Fitsharris: Wait! I’ve got an idea!

Hunter: …something tells me I don’t want to hear it.

Fitsharris: Let’s go to the Senate! We could kidnap one of the senators and find out some really secret information and stuff!

Hunter: Listen, anything that we could have gotten, we could’ve gotten through Senator. I’m not going to waste my time with that.

Fitsharris: Well…uh…there’s a lot of stuff we could do there anyway.

Hunter: Name one.

Fitsharris says nothing.

Kalb: Hang on, don’t get so hasty. Fitsharris might have a point. We could kidnap a senator and get some information on the current whereabouts of Bush.

Hunter: Yeah, but I was planning to just go to the White House and ad-lib from there.

Kalb: Let’s just TRY, Hunter.

Hunter sighs and then turns the van to the left and parks. Kalb and Fitsharris look outside and see that they are indeed in front of the Senate building.

Fitsharris: …well that was convenient.

They all exit the van and go to the trunk.

Hunter: What do you think we should bring?

Fitsharris: What time is it?

Kalb: About 10 in the morning, there are probably a lot of people around.

Fitsharris: Then grab some chloroform just in case.

Hunter reaches into the trunk and pulls out a can of chloroform as well as a rag. He closes the trunk and the group walks to the entrance of the Senate. They’re just about to enter when all of a sudden a large man with a briefcase bumps into them.

Man: Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I should---

He notices the cameraman.

Man: Oh God, you’re Michael Moore, aren’t you?

He then notices that Hunter’s can of chloroform has fallen out of his pocket and is lying on the ground.

Man: What is THAT?

Hunter goes wide-eyed.

Hunter: Uh…uh…it’s just the label. It’s really a can of bug spray.

Man: But why would you need a can of fake chloroform?

Hunter: To…uh…threaten anyone who dares mistreat me?

Man: But heavens, who would dare mistreat you?

Hunter clears his throat and deepens his voice.

Hunter: Yeah, well you know those damn un-patriotic kids these days. They always try to hound me…

Man: Oh, you work here?

Hunter: Work here? Son, I’m a senator!

Man: Really? My, it’s a pleasure to meet you. What’s your name?

Hunter: Uh…err…Steve Phillips.

Man: I’ve met Steve Phillips. You look nothing like him.

Hunter: Umm…are you a senator here?

Man: Yes.

Hunter: Democrat or Republican?

Man: Republican, and proud of it.

Hunter points in the opposite direction.

Hunter: Look, something!

Man: WHERE!?

The man turns around and Hunter and the Capitalists quickly run away and hop into the van. Hunter starts up the ignition and they drive away as fast as they can, leaving the dumbfounded senator still attempting to find…something.

Fade Out

[hunter]

We return from a commercial break to find Hunter sitting atop a ladder, the same cup of coffee still in his hand, and still holding his title.

Hunter: Yes, that was quite an event. I’m still surprised that we managed to escape. Well…kind of.

He takes another sip of his coffee.

Hunter: Now we reach the number six greatest match I’ve ever had. Of all of the “funny” gimmick matches I’ve had, my favorites have always been those in the Hardcore Payphone series. And thus, the sixth greatest match I ever had is the third round of the Hardcore Payphone series!

Cut to match.

[hunter]

Match #6: Hunter vs. Daredevil – Hardcore Payphone Match III – Warfare – 7/25/05 (Credit: Hunter)

Philip: This next match is the third Hardcore Payphone Match. The two competitors, Hunter and Daredevil, have been taken to an abandoned subway station, littered with many objects, the most notable ones being payphones. Their goal is to use these items and to get the pinfall by any means necessary. The match can only be won by pin or submission. Now, without further interruption, let’s watch the match.

The camera now focuses on the Alphatron, where the audience can make out the shapes of Hunter and Daredevil standing at opposite ends of the left side of the train track. There are many cameramen scattered abroad, and a single referee is the only person standing between Hunter and DD. He looks through the piles of trash and random objects and takes out a cowbell. Hunter and DD look at him, and he simply shrugs.

Cowbell Rings.

DD and Hunter both quickly lunge at each other, barely giving the referee enough time to move out of their way. They lock up for a few moments until Hunter kicks DD in the shin and takes him down to the ground. He locks in an armbar, but DD quickly rolls through. DD grabs the nearest object, in this case the already rung cowbell, and turns around to attempt hitting Hunter with it. Hunter dodges the object and grabs DD around the waist, who then proceeds to smash Hunter’s back with the cowbell still in his hand. Hunter stumbles away from DD, clutching his back. DD then throws the cowbell at Hunter, who is able to duck away from it. He charges DD and quickly hits him with the killer spear, crashing the two of them into a bench. DD lies back on the bench, semi-knocked out. Hunter gets on top of another bench, and then leaps off and attempts and elbow drop. DD, not in a very weakened state yet, moves out of the way and laughs as Hunter hits his elbow on the bench and yells out in pain. DD quickly runs at him and attempts a kick to the head, which Hunter ducks and then grabs DD’s leg. He stands up and does an impressive dragon screw. He then gets on the same bench and jumps off, only to have DD move out of the way again. Hunter stumbles to his feet clutching his stomach. He turns around and gets smashed in the face with one of DD’s boots. DD puts the boot back on (which raises the question of why he didn’t just kick him) and walks over to a payphone. He turns around and ducks one of Hunter’s punches, and then taunts him as he punches the payphone. DD picks up the receiver and smashes Hunter in the head with it. Hunter blocks the next hit, pokes DD in the eye, and begins to choke him with the cord.

Hunter: For the record, soccer sucks.

DD’s eyes widen, and he quickly elbows Hunter in the head, turns around, and hits him with a hurricanrana. He gets over Hunter and punches him in the face. With each punch comes a word.

DD: It…doesn’t…suck…and…it’s…called…FOOTBALL!!!

DD lets out the final punch, but gets caught off guard when Hunter grabs his fist and flings him up, then kicks him in the stomach. Hunter gets to his feet and then quickly hits a scoopslam on DD onto a mini-fridge that’s lying next to him. He opens up the fridge and searches through it. He pulls out a bottle and smiles.

Hunter: Daaaaaaaamn. They’ve got a beer in here.

He takes a sip and spits it out.

Hunter: AH! BUDWEISER!!!

He then smashes it over DD’s head. Hunter walks to the other side of the room and rummages through a pile of random objects. He pulls out a PEZ dispenser and smiles. He then walks over to DD, who by this time has remotely recovered, and attempts to hit DD in the head with the PEZ dispenser. DD punches Hunter in the chest, causing Hunter to flinch and drop the PEZ dispenser. DD quickly hits a snap suplex on Hunter. He rummages through some things and finds a DVD case. He looks at the title of the movie and laughs. Hunter gets up and DD smashes the case over Hunter’s head. Hunter gets up and notices the case of the movie.

Hunter: Not Pulp Fiction!!!

DD then finds a tape of the same movie and backs up from Hunter. He shows it off and taunts Hunter.

DD: Oh Hunter.

Hunter looks at the tape, which DD then drops. DD places his foot on it and smiles.

Hunter: Don’t…even…

DD moves his foot down a quarter of an inch. The cracking noise made by the plastic makes Hunter cringe.

DD: Don’t what? I’m sorry, I can’t hear you.

Hunter: Don’t do it.

DD raises his foot.

DD: What are your thoughts about football now, bitch?

Hunter: Soccer is godly. I love it. The entire premise of kicking around a ball is not primitive. It’s the most intelligent sport in the universe.

DD’s foot comes crashing down on the tape, which shatters into millions of pieces.

Hunter: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY!?!?!?!

DD: You called football soccer.

Hunter’s eyes widen. He charges at DD, yelling in a high-pitched, banshee-like tone. He claws at DD and kicks him down to the ground. DD gets up again, but by this time Hunter has grabbed the PEZ dispenser and opens it.

Hunter: Ah, it’s full. I’ll teach you to fuck with me and Tarantino…

Hunter swings the PEZ dispenser in such a way that the candies fly at DD and connect with his skin. He jumps backward, showing that the little candies pack quite a wallop. He opens his eyes too late and sees Hunter fist connect with his face. DD looks up, but Hunter has his foot on his chest and he’s standing above him. He points the PEZ dispenser at DD’s face and smiles.

Hunter: Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Did he fling ten candies or only nine?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all of this excitement I sort of lost track myself. But being that this is a PEZ dispenser, the most powerful candy dispenser in the world, and can blow your head cleeeean off, you’ve gotta ask yourself one question. “Do I feel lucky?” Well, do you, punk?

DD: Hunter…it’s a fucking PEZ dispenser…

[hunter]

Hunter looks at it and realizes that DD’s right. The excitement must have gone to his head. He throws the PEZ dispenser away and stomps down on DD’s chest, the lifts him up and quickly hits the Thunderstorm. This gives him enough time to find another object, which in this case is an electric guitar. He finds a pen cap and uses it as a pick. He starts to play the guitar.

Hunter: I…I…damn it.

He tunes the guitar and plays a few strings. Once satisfied, he sits down on a bench and begins plucking away.

Hunter: HOW I WISH, HOW I WISH YOU WERE HERE. WE’RE JUST TWO LOST SOULS SWIMMING IN A FISH BOWL, YEAR AFTER YEAR. RUNNING OVER THE SAME OLD GROUND, WHAT HAVE WE FO-O-O-O-O-OUND? THE SAME OLD FEARS-

DD gets up and Hunter rams the head of the guitar into DD’s stomach.

Hunter: WISH YOU WERE HE-E-E-E-ERE!

With the song finished, Hunter smashes the guitar over DD’s back, which explodes on contact. Hunter starts to slowly rummage through another pile of things. He takes his time, doubting that DD can recover too quickly after such an attack. He’s wrong, however, and he discovers how wrong he is once he feels a sting on his back. He collapses and turns around to find a recovered DD holding a TV. DD throws the TV away and then picks up Hunter, hitting a quick Shellshock A on him. DD now takes the time he has and walks around, trying to find a new weapon. His eyes fall upon an enormous piano in the corner. He walks over to it and lifts up the cover to find all of the keys intact. He smiles and sits down, then begins playing a rather good rendition of “Moonlight Sonata.” He then plays with one hand, as well as his ass, which slightly discomforts the audience members. He turns around again and continues playing normally. By this time Hunter has recovered, and he grabs a nearby phone book and throws it at DD. DD’s head collapses on the piano.

Hunter: Wow, Stanton must’ve really appreciated that one.

Hunter walks over to DD, who seems to be faking the effect of the phone book on his head. He launches up and grabs Hunter’s head, then smashes it on the piano. Hunter recovers quickly and does the same. He then steps on DD’s foot, pokes him in the eye, and then hits him in the head with a spoon supplied from his pocket. He opens the top of the piano and throws DD in, then closes it over him. He sits on it and prevents DD’s escape.

DD: AHHHHH! HELP ME!!! I CAN’T BREATHE!!! THERE’S A SNAKE IN HERE! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Hunter reaches into his pocket and pulls out a match. He lights it and stares at the flame.

??: NO, HUNTER, NO!!!

Hunter looks over at the face of the referee.

Referee: You can’t kill DD.

Hunter: But…but…we were just playing…

Referee: Hunter…

Hunter hangs his head, but by this time the match has burned out and Hunter drops it. The entire piano ignites in a matter of seconds. Hunter’s eyes widen and he jumps off. Shortly after, DD jumps out, his pants on fire.

Hunter: STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!!!

DD: AHHHH! I CAN’T!!!

Hunter throws his cell phone at DD, who then falls on the ground.

Hunter: NOW ROLL!!!

DD begins rolling around, and soon the flame is extinguished. DD gets up, and Hunter takes this opportunity, then quickly grabs DD and hits the Phoenix Exploder. He covers (for the first time in the match), but DD kicks out. Hunter gets up and walks around the room. He finds an abandoned drum set and eyes it. He walks over and grabs a pencil.

Hunter: What is this, Woodstock ’99?

He performs a rim shot. DD gets up and shouts at him.

DD: No, it’s the resting place of Pink Floyd.

Hunter’s eyes widen and he throws the drum set out of the way. He charges at DD, who quickly trips Hunter with a drop toehold, and Hunter flies down onto the train track. DD jumps off and hits a Swanton Bomb. However, this impact isn’t very strong, since the height of the floor from the train track is actually only about four feet. DD gets up and attempts a Stunt Bomb on Hunter, who elbows him in the head and attempts a Shotgun, only to have DD slide off. DD jumps back and stands at the other end of the train track. Suddenly, he trips.

Hunter: HA, you can’t even keep your balance.

DD: No. The floor…it’s moving…

Hunter looks down at the floor and sees that DD’s right. He almost falls down himself, but he grabs the wall next to him.

Hunter: What the hell is that?

Suddenly, the two of them hear a train whistle. They both look at each other, eyes wide. They quickly charge to the station and climb up and roll out of the way, moments before a train rolls in and stops, doors open. Hunter looks over at the cameramen and referee.

Hunter: YOU SAID IT WAS ABANDONED!!!

The cameramen and referee shrug. Hunter turns towards DD and the two of them look at each other, smile, and charge onto the train. This catches the cameramen off guard.

Cameraman: Wait, where are you going?

They don’t receive an answer, so the crew quickly runs to the train as well. Once onboard, they are able to resume the filming of the match. By this time, Hunter and DD have started exchanging punches. Hunter blocks on of DD’s punches, then quickly kicks him in the stomach and hits him with a powerbomb into one of the seats. The problem is that the seats have cushions, so the effect of the powerbomb has been cut in two. DD gets up and tackles Hunter into the door to the next car. The door doesn’t open, and even Hunter is getting annoyed by this. DD stops attacking Hunter, kicks down the door, and resumes the tackle into the next car. Hunter falls down and quickly kicks DD off. A look behind him makes him realize that they’re in the back car of the train. DD grabs onto the railings and throws himself and Hunter, connecting with a superb dropkick. Hunter throws DD off once again and stumbles to his feet. He looks at the back of the car and raises his eyebrow. DD is about to attack him, but he too notices what Hunter’s looking at. They’re looking at a homeless man sitting in the back of the car. He looks up at them, seeming all too familiar.

[hunter]

Hunter: …Kain?

It is, in fact, Kain. Kain looks at the two of them, then quickly munches down the rest of the pizza crust he had. He grabs a rat next to him and hisses at the two of them, and then jumps out of the train via the back door. They watch him roll away from them, and once he’s completely gone from sight they resume combat. Hunter grabs DD’s arms and does an elaborate belly-to-belly suplex. The force of the throw causes DD to fly into one of the poles. Hunter then tries to get to him, but the train goes so fast that he slips and his head flies through the window. He yells and pulls his head back in. He dusts off the glass from his hair, and then moves out of the way as DD flies at him. Hunter then grabs DD from behind and hits the Poetic Justice onto the glass.

DD: Ow! What was the point of that?

Hunter: There’s nothing more hardcore than glass.

He points at the camera and winks. DD rolls his eyes and smacks Hunter, then hits him with another Shellshock A. He looks around, trying to find a weapon, but realizes that trains don’t have many good weapons. Hunter, however, is more creative than him. He takes out a screwdriver from his pocket (which he got back at the station) and begins to unscrew the nails on the bottom of the bench. DD doesn’t notice this, an action he’ll soon regret. Hunter, being the quick mechanic that he is, lifts up the newly freed bench and slams it on DD. DD falls down and Hunter laughs over him, then flies across the car as the train brakes rather swiftly. It stops completely and people begin to climb aboard the train. DD and Hunter look at them wide-eyed. They then rush off the train and see that they’re in a completely populated subway station. The referee and cameramen follow them off the train, and then they attempt to give them enough room to do what they do best. There are many fans of ACW, as witnessed by the many people charging at the two demanding autographs. Hunter hits DD in the face, then hits him with a perfect tiger driver. He walks over to a rather beautiful woman and grabs a pen and paper from her.

Hunter: And whom do I make this out to?

Woman: My name is Sophie.

Hunter: Well, Sophie, here is your autograph.

He hands her back the piece of paper and she blushes as he winks at her. He turns towards DD, whose been watching the entire scene.

DD: Anyone want an autograph from the great Daredevil?

Silence. DD slowly lowers his arms and hangs his head. Hunter takes his opportunity and hits a Partisan Kick on DD, a move he picked up from the Senator. Hunter walks through the crowd and goes into the bathroom. DD follows him, and once he’s inside he finds Hunter standing in front of a urinal. DD looks at him and Hunter turns towards him and stop whistling.

Hunter: …what? This match is taking too long…

DD shrugs and goes to the urinal next to Hunter. The two of them stand there, looking around, attempting to avoid each other’s glance.

DD: So…uh…how’s the Senator doing?

Hunter: Fine, fine. Uh…how’s WCW?

DD: He’s good.

Hunter: Good…good.

They both flush simultaneously, and then move over to the sink. Hunter begins to wash his hands, but there’s no soap.

Hunter: What the hell? That’s unsanitary…

DD: What?

Hunter: There’s no soap.

??: I can help you with that.

They look over at the man to Hunter’s right. He’s an average looking man wearing a suit and holding a briefcase.

DD: Who are you?

Tyler: My name is Tyler. I sell soap.

Hunter: Oh.

Tyler opens up his briefcase and takes out a bar of soap. Hunter and DD both use it to wash their hands.

Tyler: It’s the greatest soap in the states. It’s made from real human fat.

Their eyes widen, but they say nothing and simply but the soap down. Hunter eyes Tyler briefcase.

Hunter: I have that exact briefcase.

Tyler: You do? Are you a briefcase fanatic?

Hunter: Well, I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself a fanatic. I collect them, however.

Tyler: Well, then you should talk to my friend.

Hunter: Who?

Tyler: Well, he calls himself Jack, he was born Rupert, but I call him the narrator.

Hunter raises an eyebrow.

Hunter: This is too Fight Club for my tastes…

Tyler turns and walks out the door. Hunter eyes him out the door, and then simply shakes his head. DD, meanwhile, has gotten sick of this ridiculous pause and elbows Hunter from behind. Hunter turns around and ducks a punch, then hits DD with a backdrop. He drags DD over to a stall and kicks open the door. He looks into the toilet and sees it’s full of random…shit. Hunter smiles and shoves DD’s head in there. DD struggles and Hunter’s laughs.

Hunter: Oh come on DD. You’re used to being in shit. Ohohohohohoho, I’m hilarious.

Hunter flushes and picks DD back up. DD quickly chops Hunter’s throat and kicks him out of the stall. He then ducks one of Hunter’s punches and spears him into a urinal, which breaks and flies off the wall. He picks up Hunter again, who punches DD in the stomach and hits him with the Shotgun on the newly downed urinal. Hunter runs out of the bathroom, then minutes later runs in carrying a payphone. He places the payphone next to DD and places his head. He steps on the payphone and executes a perfect APM on DD onto the payphone. He goes for the cover and gets the easy pinfall.

Philip: What the fu…err…here is your winner, Hunter!

Fade Out

[hunter]

Segment: Inspirations – Based On A True Hallucination

We return from yet another commercial break to find the gang spread around what is known as the “mall” in the center of D.C. Before them stands the Lincoln Memorial, which Fitsharris is looking at admirably. Kalb and Hunter are sitting down on the steps looking at the water in front of them.

Hunter: Okay…so the Senate idea didn’t go according to plan. I could’ve warned you about that.

Kalb: Well, whatever, we don’t have that much time left. And how do you know that the ACW people aren’t looking for us?

Hunter: They don’t have to. I left a note in my room that said, “Went on vacation. Will come back in time for the next show.”

Kalb: Well that gives us a couple of days. So what do we do now?

Hunter: I guess we just raid the White House.

Kalb: Are you insane? We can’t raid the White House! They’d gun us down at the gates!

Hunter: Well we’ll just have to sneak in.

Kalb: How do you plan on doing that?

Their voices trail off as the cameraman begins to approach Fitsharris. Fitsharris looks up at the marble face of Abraham Lincoln looking back at him.

Fitsharris: Man…I’ve seen so many movies where people turned to you for inspiration…can you help me?

This WOULD be an action suited as too stupid for many, but hey…it’s Fitsharris.

Fitsharris: Come on, Lincoln. Say something to me…

Silence. Fitsharris hangs his head low.

Fitsharris: Come on! I’m in a time of dire need! Aren’t visions supposed to come to those in dire need?

Another silence. But then, from seemingly out of nowhere, comes a voice.

?: Do not fret, young Fitsharris. Help will find you.

Fitsharris looks up at Lincoln.

Fitsharris: I knew that the movies were right…you DO exist.

?: Well I’ve always existed, young one.

Fitsharris raises an eyebrow.

Fitsharris: How are you talking without moving your mouth?

?: Oh for Pete’s sake, son. It’s ME!

Fitsharris turns around and looks at the Washington Monument, which has somehow been able to produce a mouth at its center.

Fitsharris: …who the hell are you?

Washington: I’m the Washington Monument. Lincoln hasn’t talked in ages. I’m generally the go-to monument for inspirational speeches. Most people talk to me and think they’re talking to Lincoln. He’s quite the egomaniac, just sitting up there and taking it all in.

Fitsharris: I see.

Washington: So, what’s up?

Fitsharris: Um…my friends and I are trying to assassinate the president.

Washington: Now why on earth would you do that?

Fitsharris: I don’t know.

[hunter]

Washington: Ah, the most potent words in any vengeance seeker’s vocabulary. So what’s the big deal?

Fitsharris: Well this ain’t the eighteenth century, George. We can’t just ride up on a horse and shoot an arrow at someone.

Washington: I’m fully aware of the technological advancements that have occurred in the past two hundred years. But it’s still not that hard.

Fitsharris: Explain.

Washington: Just shoot the guy.

Fitsharris: Yeah, but we have to bypass security and try to get close enough to him. Hell, we have to find him first!

Washington: Well what do you expect from me? I’m just the guy who’s supposed to inspire you to not give up.

Fitsharris: I’m not giving up, I’m just confused.

Washington: Then what the hell are you doing talking to me? Come back when you’ve given up.

Fitsharris: Fine. I give up.

Washington: Good. Now, you want my help?

Fitsharris: …yes please.

Washington: Use the tour.

Fitsharris: The tour? What tour?

Washington: The tour.

Fitsharris: Yes, I heard you. What tour do you speak of?

Washington: The tour.

Fitsharris: DAMN IT I HEARD YOU! WHAT TOUR?

Hunter and Kalb turn to look at Fitsharris, who they see looking over at the Washington Monument.

Hunter: Why the hell is he yelling at the Washington Monument?

Kalb: Just let it go…

Fitsharris: Now Washington…you better elaborate.

Washington: The tour.

Fitsharris: I’LL KILL YOU, YOU PINKO NAZI SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!

Hunter: Okay, Fitsharris just called the Washington Monument a pinko Nazi.

Kalb: …I think it’s time to go.

Hunter: Agreed.

They quickly run up the steps and grab Fitsharris, then drag him down the steps and throw him into the van. Kalb sits down next to him and Hunter quickly steps on the gas.

Kalb: Fitsharris, are you on dope? Honestly.

Fitsharris: No…I had a vision…Washington spoke to me…Nazi…tour…THAT’S IT!

Hunter: Okay, get the chloroform.

Fitsharris: No! Wait! I know how we can get to Bush!

Hunter: …oh?

Fitsharris begins to talk as his voice is drowned out by some random generic soundtrack. There will be more time to tell his tale soon enough.

Fade Out

[hunter]

Match #5: Hunter vs. The Senator – Senatorial Stipulations – Emperor of the Ring ’05 (Credit: AK)

Bell Rings.

The fans would have been thrilled to see just a straightforward one-on-one match between these two superstars; as it is, they are about to witness a unique battle of both physical and mental skill. The three judges seated at the extra table at ringside watch very closely as Hunter and Senator start to circle; they are both weighing the pros and cons of making an energetic start against a more cautious approach calculated to let their opponent wear themselves down. Hunter’s instincts are to attack hard and fast… but he knows that this is what the Senator will expect from him, and so he controls his temper, approaching his opponent carefully. The two men meet in the centre of the ring, and go toe to toe with one another; many forearm blows are traded, until the Senator tires of this and switches to his famed chops (accompanied by suitable sound effects from the fans.) Hunter has waited for this to happen, and he sidesteps after the first few blows, grasping the Senator’s arm and twisting it behind him. The Senator instinctively turns to free himself, and as he goes so Hunter pulls him close and delivers a string of knees to the gut, before using a swift suplex. The fans are impressed, and cheer; the Senator, though, is back on his feet very quickly indeed, and Hunter barely even sees the first of the Senator’s crossfire crescent kicks before it connects with his face. Using his full energy to devastating effect, the Senator smashes Hunter back and forth until he drops to a knee, and the Senator concludes with a running enziguri that pitches Hunter forward with a loud thump on to the canvas. Though he’s largely making a point to Hunter, Senator never wastes a chance for a fall, and he pins for slightly more than a 2 count, which the judges note. The crowd, hugely impressed, chants “Senator! Senator!” as Hunter pulls himself back up to his feet. He meets the Senator’s gaze and simply nods, as if saying, “All right, I won’t underestimate you, but I’m just getting started.” The Senator smiles with satisfaction, and the two men move in for a fresh round.

Some more basic hand to hand combat ensues, as the pair search for a gap in their opponent’s defenses to exploit. This quickly changes into a grappling situation; The Senator has slightly more drive and begins to push Hunter back, and Hunter responds with a gut kick and then a powerbomb – which the Senator expertly counters into a triangle choke, to a pop from the fans. Hunter keeps his cool and break free after 10 seconds or so, but in his mind he’s struggling to decide whether to stick with a restrained style or shift into a stronger attacking phase. With the Senator controlling the pace of the match, Hunter’s heart overrides his head, and he tries to whip the Senator into the ropes; the Senator smoothly reverses, but Hunter adapts to events and rebounds, ducks under the Senator’s swinging kick, hits the much closer ropes on the opposite side and THEN launches into the spear when the Senator has very little time to prepare a response. The crowd roars as Hunter springs back to his feet; the Senator follows as swiftly as he can, but Hunter’s already going for the Dynamite, and it connects strongly. Hunter pins with all possible speed, and earns a 2 count; the fans are splitting into two camps now, cheering for their favorite and making a heck of a lot of noise in the process.

Hunter’s heart lifts; he knows he needs the first fall to give himself momentum and stifle that of the Senator, and the noise of fans shouting and chanting his name fires him up. He’s alert enough to know that the Senator will spot the Shotgun a mile off, so he engages the Senator in a little more direct fighting, and then lashes out with an elbow strike that makes the Senator reel back. As fast as he can, pulse racing, Hunter lifts the Senator up on to his left shoulder, ready for the Phoenix exploder – but the Senator has a surprise waiting. Bursting back into life, he flips off of Hunter’s shoulder, and as Hunter turns around, the Senator strikes him in the side of the head, produces a lift as if for an Inverted Brainbuster, and completes the Victory Driver without batting an eyelid. The fans explode in shock and amazement at the huge move coming out of nowhere, and Hunter has no chance to recover in time to stop the Senator getting the 3 count.

Philip: The Senator has secured one Pinfall… he now requires a submission, KO or Ringout fall for victory.

[hunter]

Hunter picks himself up, and immediately has to go on the defensive as the Senator seeks to capitalize on his success; internally, Hunter is still recovering from the shock of realizing that the Senator feels confident enough to deploy one of his rarest and most powerful moves so quickly. The Senator, meanwhile, has his eyes set firmly on the second fall that he needs, and as soon as he’s able to knock Hunter down, he tries to apply the Tax Cut. Hunter, though, is galvanized into action, and rolls away and back to his feet; eager to keep the pressure on, the Senator comes after him again, but Hunter responds by blocking, getting the Senator into a headlock, and then completing the Thunderstorm combination. Hunter tries a cover, and gets somewhere close to a 2 count; he’s put himself into a risky situation, however, as the Senator strikes him with a forearm while they’re both on the mat, rolls out from beneath his foe, and puts Hunter into a Boston Crab. From here the Senator has the chance to transition into the full Tax Cut, and again Hunter has no intention of letting that happen; he claws the mat, and sees that he’s not far from the ropes. It takes a large effort, but Hunter manages to pull himself to the ropes before the Senator can fully apply the Tax Cut, and the referee forces the break; the Senator looks annoyed, and Hunter gets back on his feet as fast as he can, knowing that he can’t risk another pinfall attempt until he finds a way to fully subdue his opponent. The fact remains that the Senator has a strong advantage still, and he has options other than a submission victory open to him…

Always a powerful battler, it is nonetheless a spectacular sight when the Senator allows full rein to his stored strength; his speed and power are spectacular as he blazes into an all-out attack, trying to KO Hunter and end the match there and then. Driving Hunter into the corner, the Senator zeroes in on his body, and attacks his chest and abdomen over and over again, first with piston-like body blows, and then with knee strikes. Hunter tries to defend himself, but the Senator just attacks whatever body part is presented to him, so that Hunter’s arms and legs also start to ache; pulling himself together mentally, Hunter at last escapes by hopping to the second rope and leapfrogging the Senator, rolling through on landing so that the Senator’s kick behind him doesn’t connect. Still with adrenalin surging, the Senator pursues Hunter and knocks him down, and Hunter rolls back to his feet and backs off; the Senator goes after him, and the exact same process occurs – a swift knockdown, but no opportunity given for the Senator to lock in a submission. The pattern loops about 3 more times – the fans are confused, but then they see that Hunter is smiling, not exactly taunting the Senator, but simply killing time. And it’s having the intended effect; the Senator’s hormonal rush gives him great strength, but it’s short lived, and after the peak comes the trough. Hunter knows he’s taking a risk, and that the Senator’s endurance is legendary, but it’s his only realistic chance of turning the match around; he forces the Senator to lock up, and then hooks the arms for a suplex. He releases, and to the crowd’s amazement he doesn’t land on his back; somehow Hunter pivots back to his feet, and as the Senator hits the canvas, Hunter rushes forward and delivers an elbow drop. He sets up the APM more quickly than he’s ever done it before, and slams the back of the Senator’s head into the mat; he drops into a sitting position on the Senator’s chest using his legs to hold the Senator’s shoulders and grasping his foe’s arms to stop him raising them, and as such creates the pin in less than a second. The ref is already in position, and the speed of the whole thing gives Hunter the edge he needs; the Senator kicks and throws Hunter off, but it comes on just the wrong side of the 3 count.

Philip: Now Hunter has a Pinfall! The Senator is back to square one, and Hunter requires a submission, KO or Ringout to win!

The crowd, already in a state of high excitement, just gets even more hyped up; Hunter has turned the tide… but he’s still a long way from victory. The Senator doesn’t dwell on the situation, and as such Hunter doesn’t get so much as a second’s respite; he comes under attack again at once, and the Senator understands better than most people the brief period of complacency that can affect even the strongest competitors. For his part, Hunter is determined not to let the Senator back into the match; their battle is closely fought, and though his own stamina has improved exponentially, his respect for his stable leader and mentor means that he still is not absolutely sure that he can outlast him in a drawn out contest. Thus motivated, Hunter pours forth with all the power that he can muster, and takes the Senator on directly; the crowd thrills as they battle in the centre of the ring, and to their largely untrained eyes, the pair look to be giving and taking punishment in equal measure…

Hunter, however, is having a small epiphany, noticed only by a tiny handful of the most observant and clued – up fans. He’s landing plenty of shots, there’s no denying that, but as his strength starts to falter, Hunter realizes something of immense importance. He watches closely as a forearm connects with the Senator’s chest, and sees for the first time the subtle, almost invisible way in which the Senator alters his posture and the rhythm of his movements so that Hunter’s shot connects not close to the shoulder, where it could induce pain in the arm’s movements, but with the broader part of the chest where muscle and fat can absorb the blow in a less costly manner. With a flash of realization, Hunter starts to understand how the Senator can endure even the fiercest assaults; even when he’s not in control of the match, he’s always in control of himself. And just as his mind unlocks this secret, the Senator sees the momentary hesitation, and capitalizes brutally; Hunter takes a Partisan Kick out of nowhere, and his knees fail him. This time, the Senator won’t be denied, and he applies the Victory Lock II; Hunter is submerged under waves of pain, and struggles to the surface for air. The fans shout out for both men; Hunter grits his teeth and endures, but endure is all he can do, as he can’t escape the expertly applied hold. Pride keeps Hunter’s resolve strong, he can get out of this, still get the second fall… and then suddenly it hits him; he’s not in control, and he needs to be if he’s to find a way to win. In a restrained manner, Hunter indicates his submission, and the referee breaks the hold as Philip consults with the judges, and gives an update.

Philip: The Senator secures a Submission, but it was not consecutive with his first fall… he therefore still requires a pinfall, KO or Ringout for the win. The timekeeper has also requested that I inform you that this match has 6 minutes of allotted time left, and if a winner is not determined in that time the judges will make a decision based on what they have observed. Gentlemen, please continue.

[hunter]

Both men return to their feet, and this time there is a pause. They look at one another, and then smile; they both know now that this match is about more than who wins or loses it. Their breathing is deep, an indication of the energy already expended; but they still have a spring in their step as they come closer to one another. There is more urgency in both men’s movements now, and the Senator takes a step toward his goal with a Liberaliser when Hunter’s punch misses him. He makes a rapid cover, and gets 2; Hunter shoves him off, and they track across the ring, trading punches and kicks. Hunter’s mind is working overtime; he is trying to apply the Senator’s technique to his own style, and though he knows that it will take him a long time to reach the Senator’s proficiency, he has enough success to reduce the amount of damage that the Senator is able to do. A couple of minutes pass, with both men using the full range of moves in their arsenals; Hunter narrowly dodges a second Partisan Kick, and the Senator just manages to escape from a vertical suplex lift before Hunter can complete the Shotgun. The breakthrough comes when the Senator goes for a whip to the ropes; Hunter reverses, and the Senator rebounds right into the Rage (F5 to Rock Bottom). The fans shout for the pin, but Hunter has a different idea; he puts on all the speed he possibly can, and puts the Senator into a Sharpshooter in the centre of the ring. It’s not a move that Hunter normally uses, and as such the Senator isn’t prepared for it; Hunter locks the move, and sets his face in a look of grim determination. The Senator tries hard to wrest himself free, but every effort is draining, and the clock is ticking; he knows that the three judges will reward Hunter more the longer he can maintain the hold. But if the Senator can get another pin, three falls to 2… there is only one sensible move to make. The Senator taps in a controlled manner, and the fans are all on their feet as the match storms toward a thunderous conclusion.

Philip: Hunter has earned a submission! A pin, KO or Ringout will win it for him, but there are only 2 and a half minutes left before the Judges take over! It’s still all to play for…

The crowd can barely contain themselves as Hunter and Senator pick themselves up; there is no pause or hanging back, and they throw themselves forward, calling on every last drop of skill that they possess in the chase for a final decisive fall. Hunter dropkicks the Senator, but gets a rib kick in the process and both men end up on the mat; they drag themselves back to their feet, and more forearms, elbows and kicks are sent forth, each man trying to score a decisive blow. Hunter succeeds first with a strike between the eyes, and pulls off an Elbow driver; he covers, but Senator gets an arm in the air at 2.5. They struggle to be the first one back to the vertical, and it’s desperately close – Hunter wins the race and charges for a shoulder tackle, but Senator jumps aside and trips his opponent. Hunter pulls himself up to his knees, and Senator moves behind him, taking hold for the gridlock. The fans are beside themselves; Hunter thrashes as the Senator fights to restrain his legs, but Hunter gets them clear and backflips out of the hold, thrilling the audience. Hunter is breathing hard, and loses focus for a moment; the Senator sees it, and his movements sharpen as he readies for the finishing blow. He closes in, and grabs Hunter, lifting him into the Filibuster… and then Hunter plays his ace, and reverses the move! The fans are beside themselves, but Hunter knows it won’t be enough; as the Senator starts to rise, Hunter rushes to the ropes and bounces off of them. His Yakuza Kick connects with the back of the Senator’s head just as the Senator is in a kneeling position, and the force is incredible; in his weakened state the Senator can’t withstand the strike, and keels over. Hunter makes the pin, leaving nothing to chance… and the referee counts the 1,2,3. The crowd roars in amazement, and even Hunter can barely believe it as the bell rings.

Philip: Here is your winner, as a result of 2 consecutive differing falls….. Hunter!

Fade Out

[hunter]

Segment: Sneaking In – The Plan Is Picking Up

We return from yet another commercial break to find our favorite group of mercenaries standing in a line. The camera pans around and it is revealed to us that the group is at the entrance of the White House itself. Due to the amount of sunshine, one can figure out that it is around four in the afternoon. The line moves and Hunter and company come inside. One of the security guards stops the cameraman.

Security Guard: I’m sorry sir, there is no film equipment allowed inside.

Cameraman: But---

Hunter suddenly appears alongside them.

Hunter: Oh, don’t worry about it. I’m a teacher; I’m just filming this visit for my students.

Security Guard: Well next time you should probably bring them along---

Hunter: I can’t. Uh…they all have leukemia. It’s very difficult for them to move, sir.

Security Guard: I---

Hunter: How DARE you disrupt the educational process of leukemia-stricken children! You are a communist, sir!

Security Guard: No, no, I’m terribly sorry. I had no idea.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a red tag. He then attaches the tag to the camera.

Security Guard: This will prevent any future problems.

Hunter: Good. I thank you.

The security guard nods and then looks away embarrassingly as Hunter and the cameraman follow the Capitalists. They go into the lobby and join their fellow comrades and tourists. There are roughly ten of them, and they are all assured it’s just a slow day. The tour guide stands in the center and begins to address them all. He is a tall man wearing a suit who looks like one of those guys who can get stabbed in his urethra and just laugh it off. You know those guys.

Tour Guide: Now then, welcome to the White House, where the current president of the United States resides. We will be able to go through most of the first floor and that’s about it. The other floors and rooms we don’t enter are top secret. If you wish to learn something about them, please just go to our website: www dot white house dot com.

Kalb: Uh, no, you mean dot org.

Tour Guide: I know what I mean, sir.

Kalb: Trust me on this one, man.

Tour Guide: …fine…dot org, as this man has so humbly pointed out. Now let’s begin.

Hunter gives Kalb a look of “don’t try to prove these crazy bastards wrong, you’ll be dead before you know it.” Kalb just grins and they all follow the tourists into the next room.

Tour Guide: Oh, I almost forgot a very important question. I can’t believe it. I’m so STUPID. THEY’RE GONNA FIRE ME!!! I’LL BE OUT OF A JOB!!! DEAR GOD DON’T TELL THEM I MESSED UP!!!

Silence.

Tour Guide: Erm…yes. Now then, I would like everyone to please tell me his or her reason for visiting the White House.

Woman #1: Oh, I’m just here because my flight got delayed.

Man #1: I’ve got nothing better to do.

Their voices become quiet as we focus on Hunter and Kalb.

Hunter (whispering): What do I say?

Kalb: Just stick with the teacher thing.

Tour Guide: Gentlemen.

Hunter and Kalb turn to see that they are being addressed.

Hunter: Oh, well I teach children with leukemia. This is my assistant and that’s my cameraman. We’re here to tape all of this for their benefit.

Tour Guide: Well bless your heart. And you, sir?

Hunter and Kalb notice that he is speaking to Fitsharris. Their eyes widen and they quickly start praying that he doesn’t say anything stupid.

Fitsharris: Oh, I’m here just to set explosives in the Oval Office to effectively kill the president seven times before his last piece of flesh hits the ground. That, or my friends and I are going to knock him out with chloroform and torture him as we see fit. We also have a sniper rifle somewhere with us and we could just take him out from a distance.

So…praying doesn’t work.

Fitsharris: Oh, and the history.

The tourists and the tour guide look at Fitsharris in awe. He simply looks back at them with a straight look on his face. The tour guide, after a few moments, begins laughing.

Tour Guide: Oh, that’s quite a good one, sir. Okay, and the final person?

He motions toward the man to Fitsharris’ right.

Man #2: Oh, I’m just here to look around.

Tour Guide: Look around? OH MY GOD, HE’S A TERRORIST! GET HIM!!!

Security guards appear out of nowhere and tackle the man, then pick him up and start dragging him away.

Man #2: WAIT! YOU CAN’T DO THIS!!!

Security Guard: PATRIOT ACT MOTHERFUCKER!!!

Man #2: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The man is dragged away completely and Hunter and the Capitalists watch this entire scene.

Hunter: …interesting.

Tour Guide: I’m sorry you all had to see that. Now let’s continue.

They walk behind the tour guide and start chatting amongst themselves.

Hunter: I swear to God, Fitsharris, if you do something like that one more time, I’m gonna kill you.

Fitsharris: Hey, we didn’t get caught. We’re in the clear.

Kalb: You know what he means, man. We all could’ve just been severely fucked.

Suddenly, Hunter looks up and sees a door that reads “Top Secret”. He looks at the tourists and sees that they have all turned the corner. There’s no one else in the hall, so he quickly lunges for the door and opens it. There is another door that reads “Still Top Secret”. He opens that and there’s a third door that reads “Broom Closet”. He raises an eyebrow, and then opens this door and piles into the room with his friends. They quickly close all of the doors behind them and look around.

Hunter: What is this place?

Well they’ll find out…after the break.

Seacrest out.

Fade Out