ACW Fallout 10/2/04: Dungeons & Dragon Suplexes

[ridley]

As the credits roll, Verdi's "Requiem Mass Dies Irae" plays over the soundtrack, and a massive title in Gothic lettering comes up over the screen:

Dungeons & Dragon Suplexes

Fade out as we cut to a magnificent throne room. The stained-glass windows stretch from floor to ceiling, and huge tapestries of wrist-clutch burning hammers hang on the walls.

But there is no rejoicing in these halls; those within do not partake in THE FINEST MEATS AND CHEESES IN THE LAND. There is a sole occupant to the grand hall; King Gingerdude sits pensively on the throne, worriedly stroking his beard and sipping from a mug of slightly-chilled cider.

A page (GooeyGarth in pantyhose and a tunic) approaches from the end of the hallway.

Ginger: What news from the front, messenger? How goes our war against the Arch-Necromancer's army?

Gooey: Not well, m'lord. The undead hordes have pushed our troops within our borders, and continue their drive. These beings do not sleep, Your Highness, they do not feel pain.

Ginger: I see....

Gooey: What instructions shall I carry back, m'lord? Tell them to fall back and regroup?

Ginger: .....no. Tell them to hold the line as long as they can.

Gooey turns to go, but Ginger stops him with a last order.

Ginger: And we're going to need some help with this. Recruit me a team of adventurers....WITH ATTITUDES.

Gooey: Your Majesty, that sounds exactly like the introduction to Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

Ginger: Who's the king here?

[ridley]

We zip across the land, to the barren wasteland of Korriban, land of the Necromancer. It is an icy place, devoid of life other than the local undead army. No plants grow in Korriban, except for the occasional dandelion, but those grow EVERYWHERE, so it makes sense.

The camera dashes up to the huge black monolith that is the Dark Tower of the Arch-Necromancer, blasts up the side, past the engraved Latin and outcropped gargoyles, and over the railing of the balcony to the Necromancer's throne room.

He sits in the throne, but unlike King Ginger, he is relaxed, and sipping reddened wine out of a chalice. The Blackguard Alexandra Kaesar, his second-in-command, stands at the balcony, looking out over the desolate plains.

Ridley: So......what developments?

Alexandra: Nothing, Lord Ridley, but the usual. We continue to push them back into Faerun, and soon they'll have nowhere to go.

Ridley: Well, that was easy.

Alexandra: It usually is when you have an army of undead.

Ridley: I don't know, finding the dead to MAKE the undead was hard enough.

Alexandra: And there we see the benefits of working on the run.

Ridley: Which I normally don't condone, but hey, whatever works.

Alexandra: And now we're on a tangent.

Ridley: Yup.

Long silence.

Ridley: *cough*

Alexandra: Just do the villainous laugh.

Ridley: But I have to have something to set it up.

Alexandra: FINE. "Soon, the entire world will know the glory of undeath, and we shall rule all!"

Ridley: Thanks. AH, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Another pause.

Alexandra: A little too long on the last "ha".

Ridley: Oh, thanks. I'll improve.

[ridley]

Now, we move to the front. What was once the Elven hamlet of Verithil has become a warzone. Trenches are dug all across the town, and barricades have been erected over certain strategic areas. On one side of the lines, the massive flag of the Necromancer waves, while the regal banner of a crowned gingerbread man has been set up on the other side.

Captain Latino puts away his spyglass, having thoroughly surveyed the front from his perch, and turns to local Elven Magistrate 004.

004: Well?

Latino: Nothing. They seem to have simply disappeared....er.....ese.

004: Really? Let me see?

Latino holds the spyglass up to 004's eyes in the direction he was looking.

Latino: It's inexplicable.

004: .....you were looking back at Faerun.

004 sighs, turns Latino around, and puts the spyglass to his eye. Latino is now met with the sight of a legion of slavering undead: zombies trying to claw over the barricades and barbed wire, scimitar-wielding skeletons shouting war-cries, and even a bone-dragon in the background on which the Necromancer's general. Rochimus Maximus, is mounted.

Latino: Jesus. Why'd you have to correct me?

004: Look, just facing away from the problem is not going to make it go away---

They're interrupted as a large carriage pulls up next to their outpost. It's obviously from the king.

Latino: Looks like somebody's here.

[ridley]

On the other side of the battlefield, a line of skeletons march by a shadowy pile of rubble, facing straight ahead and determined to rush the enemy lines.

Once they've all passed by, a shadowy figure silently creeps from the pile. He has a dagger in each hand, and puts it to good use as he dives onto the last skeleton in line and severs its torso with a fast snapping motion. The body falls to the floor, and the other skeletons turn to see what's happened---

---but the figure is gone already. The skeletons turn, impassively, and go back to their routine.

General Rochimus Maximus, a Yuan-Ti mounted on a bone dragon and bearing a wicked trident, is examining the fresh batch of zombies.

Rochimus: Hmmmmmm.....a bit less imposing than the last group, but their looks would indicate that they more than make up for it in ferocity. Send them in.

A horn sounds.

Rochimus: They've gotten some kind of reinforcements. Fortify the lines and prepare for an attack.

Little does he know that the same shadowy figure from earlier is lurking not twenty feet away, preparing to strike....

[ridley]

Latino examines the figures before him.

Latino: If I didn't know any better, I'd say you three were a group of freelance mercenaries/adventurers chosen by King Gingerdude to save our land from the tyranny of the Arch-Necromancer.


Sir Shade Of The Blade That's Usually In Shadow, the group's apparent leader, steps forth and nods, his dragonscale plate armor rustling slightly.

Shade: Something like that.

Latino: I see. What are your names?

Shade: I am Sir Shade Blah Blah Blah, and these are my compatriots: Amo The Barbarian.....

The half-orc Amo strikes a pose with his battleaxe, and nearly loses his loincloth in the process.

Amo: Prepare to be violated, girlymen.

Shade: ....the Cleric of Angmar Michael Kross...

Kross does a ritualistic bow and grips his mace.

Kross: Dominus vobiscum.

Shade: .....and critically acclaimed High-Mage Atomic Kitsune.

AK gestures in greeting, dizzying Latino with the light playing off her samite robes.

AK: Charmed.

Latino: Wow. Now THAT'S a group.

Blade: Tell me about it. Yeah, we're supposed to charge over the lines and go take out the Necromancer.

Latino: That might be a little harder than planned.

Blade: Why?

Latino: Here, look through this---

004: I'LL do it.

004 shows Blade the undead legion through the spyglass, making sure he's turned the right way.

Blade: Slathering slaadi, that's a lot of undead.

Latino: Yeah, that's the problem our army's been having.

Blade: I see---wait, what's going on over there?

[ridley]

Across the battlefield, the claoked figure leaps from the shadows and brings down both its daggers, slashing right at General Rochimus's throat.

The Yuan-Ti, however, has otherworldly senses like the rest of its kind, and catches the incoming assault with its trident, beats the attack aside, and grabs his assailant by the throat.

It's a wood-elf. Specifically, V-3, the most notorious thief in all of Verithil. The undead had quartered his house without knowing it.

Rochimus: How dare a puny elf such as yourself assault my personage? I shall see your flesh stripped from your bones for this----

Skeleton: My lord, we have a problem!!!

Rochimus: Yes, how can skeletons talk when they don't have vocal cords?

Skeleton: No, not that problem! The enemy is rushing our lines!

Rochimus: Hmm...uncharacteristically bold.

AK has cast Magic Mouth on 004, and he projects his voice across the field:

004: Hang on, V-3; we're coming!!!

Rochimus: Well, if it's A FIGHT THEY WANT----

He turns, and with the hand that's not suspending V-3 twenty feet off the ground, raises his trident.

Rochimus: CHARGE!!!

[ridley]

The fray is instantaneous, with Amo and Shade being the first to dive over the side into the trenches. Amo shouts his war-cries as he decapitates zombies left and right with mighty baseball swings.

Amo: VICTIMIZE!!! PILLAGE!!! HIGH DEN RIIIIIKE!!!!

Shade, meanwhile, has his broadsword out, and is more interested in scientific parry/riposte counters from the five to six scimitar-bearing skeletons that are assaulting him.

Shade: Holy shit, they don't let up, do they?

Help arrives in a second as Latino leaps down next to him. He lands on a skeleton, crushing its ribcage, and then rams his spear through the forehead of another.

Latino: Nope. So you gotta make them, homes.

Similarly, 004 is now perched on top of a trench, lighting his arrows on fire and launching them into the midst of the zombies approaching to attack Amo.

Across the battlefield, Rochimus snarls at the newcomers, then turns to V-3.

Rochimus: I suppose I'll deal with YOU before I head over there...

AK kneels from her position next to 004 and Kross, then begins muttering an incantation. Kross notices this, then his eyes widen as he spots a row of skeletal archers with crossbows aiming their way.

004: Archers! Get moving!

Kross: We can't; it'll break her concentration!

004: Then do something!!!

By this time, the crossbow bolts are in the air and flying toward them----but they stop, colliding with the Globe Of Lesser Invulnerability that Kross has set up.

Kross: How's THAT for something?

004: Not bad at all.

[ridley]

AK stands, the spell ready, and launches what looks like a harpoon made of light across the battlefield. It's heading not for the Yuan-Ti general, but for V-3, who's about to be skewered like an eel.

Rochimus: Now it's time for you---WHAT?!?

The light engulfs V-3, and within seconds, he's gone from the general's grasp, and standing between AK and Kross.

004: V-3, you made it?

V-3: What the hell just happened?

AK: Spell of Direct Transport. It was either that or try to blast him, and I wasn't sure I'd hit him and not you.

V-3: Wow, thanks.

Rochimus isn't nearly as happy; he hisses loudly as his forked tongue flickers out, and snaps the reins to his bone dragon.

Rochimus: If you want something done right....

With magically-enhanced skinless wings, the dragon takes off into the air and strafes the battlefield, breathing out cones of necroplasm.

Kross: Get down!!!

He correctly assumes that the Globe of Lesser Invulnerability won't hold up to the dragon's breath; as the four dive into the trenches alongside Latino, Shade, and Amo, it shatters.

Rochimus: You can't hide in there forever! I'll smoke you all out!!!

He brings the skeletal dragon down to one end, and it spews a wave of necroplasm down the trenches.

Latino: Oh shit, MOVE!!!

As fast as they dove in the trenches, the group scrambles back out, almost getting clipped by the black energy that floods the trench. Several of the Elven forces aren't quite fast enough, and they're completely necrosed over the course of about three seconds of exposure.

Shade: We can't just keep running! Somebody shoot down that dragon!!!

004: My arrows can't make it that far, and besides, it's bone.

AK: Looks like a job for a mage.

[ridley]

As the dragon turns to make another strafing run, AK launches a fireball from the jewel on the end of her staff. This is completely unexpected, and Rochimus has to swerve to avoid being shot down.

Rochimus: Dammit, a sorceress!

Expertly handling the reins, he jerks the dragon around and strafes from a stationary midair position with the breath attack. The party scatters, and AK manages to get off a fireball mid-dodge. It clips the dragon's wings, spinning it out of control for a second, until Rochimus, now pissed off as hell, grabs hold of it again.

Rochimus: That's it. Full throttle!!!

He charges down towards the battlefield, evidently intent on smashing through the heroes.

Shade: Shoot it down! Now!

AK: I can't get a bead on him; he's moving way too fast!!!

Kross pushes AK aside and raises his mace, calling on his clerical powers in a last ditch effort.

Kross: In the name of God, I SMITE THEE!!!!

His mace, now imbued with Smite Undead, flashes through the air with unnatural speed, and Rochimus has nowhere near enough time to stop his own momentum. The mace blasts through the dragon's maw, tears through the spine and the ribcage, and rips out the back in a shower of bone powder.

Rochimus: Noooooo----I CAN'T STOP IT----

A final dive to the side signals the end of the fight for the party, as the dragon smashes headfirst into the battlefield, sending up a huge shower of dirt, powder, and flames. The dust slowly settles as our heroes rise to their feet.

Shade: Well, that could've gone worse.

Rochimus is just getting to his feet from where he was thrown off his steed. He slithers up to a standing position and hisses loudly at his adversaries.

Rochimus: You may have won this battle...but the wrath of the Necromancer is limitless! You haven't seen the last of me! RETREAT!!!

In a flash of light, he vanishes, teleporting his army of undead with him.

Latino: Verithil is liberated!!!

The troops raise a huge cheer as the heroes celebrate. This has been the first victory for King Ginger's forces in quite some time.

Kross: Clearly, the journey is not over. We must head to the wastelands of Korriban, and unseat the Necromancer.

Shade: Why yes. We must. But for now, let's go get high.

AK: You mean celebrate.

Shade: Of course.

[ridley]

EPILOGUE

In the Necromancer's throne room, a slightly singed Rochimus gives his report.

Rochimus: They are most powerful, m'lord...but it was a minor setback. I underestimated them.

Ridley: Indeed. You know those scenes where the villain kills his failing underlings, just to show how evil he is?

Rochimus swallows very hard.

Rochimus: Y-yes.

Ridley: I'm not going to do that. I'll just say "Do better next time, now that we know what we're up against.

Alexandra: How strangely practical.

Ridley: But for now...I think we should get some help. Perhaps my guild of assassins could assist you....ah, I know just the man.

Almost on cue, a caped figure steps from the shadows. His wrist blades gleam as he casts the Necromancer a cold look, then nods.

Skurai: You called?

[glow=red,2,300]TO BE CONTINUED[/glow]

((That's Part One. Daredevil's hosting Fallout next week; then we'll see Part Two. Hope y'all enjoy it so far.))

[Trainer kross]

I am totally the cleric. Bitchin'!

Great Fallout there Ridley.

[skurai]

Another great Fallout. I was waiting for me to appear.

[Fallen Souls]

that is so great! im so..uh..>>..nothing..but its great anyway

[v3]

WHOO! THIEF! WHOO!

rid, can i die in part 2? please??

[Latino]

very well done Ridley. I enjoyed it alot.