Warfare, September 20th

[Jason Freeman]

Tonight's Card:[/u]

Cross and Frank Washington w/Chris Phenomenal vs. The Southern Smashers

Claude LeBatard vs. Buddy Ghee

Entertainment Title Match
Jon Taylor vs. Public Enemy

Main Event
Chris Phenomenal vs. 'Senator' Steven Phillips

[Jason Freeman]

You know the drill: Crowd's hot, pyros are loud, and the show begins.

[Jason Freeman]

Segment: #1 Contender

The show is about to begin, and the crowd waits restlessly. Last week’s edition of Monday Night Warfare ended with a new alliance being formed – Chris Phenomenal, Frank Washington, and Cross. Perhaps it would be from them we would hear from to open the show? After all, the buzz in the wrestling world was around them and their attack on TJ. It is apparently not to be however, as the music that hits the speakers is “Ugly” by The Exies, a theme easily recognized as that of Jason Freeman – the ACW Heavyweight Champion.

As Freeman makes his way down to the ring, the fans inevitably begin to boo. Last week Freeman had a run-in with Chris Phenomenal, and CP had made his intentions clear. He intends to get back at Freeman and take that belt from him. Freeman, however, seemed to have already chosen a challenger for the championship. Just who could it be? In any case, since Freeman is taking a microphone, it seems we may be finding out now. There is no Ascendancy accompanying Freeman to the ring tonight, which is a strange sight. One has to wonder what the other members of the group are up to that draws them away from the ring. As Freeman finally stands ready to speak, the music cuts out, and after a few moments the crowd finally dies down.

Freeman: You know, I find it interesting that as of late people haven't seemed to be heeding my warnings that I am in control, and that I will be calling the shots around here.

The fans boo Freeman’s statements, disagreeing whole-heartedly with the idea. Freeman rolls his eyes. He has nothing left to prove to the fans. Ascendancy has proven themselves to be the dominant force in ACW, and as a result, Freeman was the dominant wrestler in the locker room. With Ascendancy possessing all of the gold and becoming a destructive force, Freeman had power comparable with the chairman himself - at least from Freeman's point of view. If one was to ask Hawthorne one would have a completely different view of the situation. Freeman, however, viewed his domination as indisputable. Yet it seemed that there were those in the locker room who were not going to accept this. The crowd as well would attempt to put down these assertions, yet they were powerless. They could do nothing but boo.


Freeman: Last week on Warfare, I had a little encounter in the back with a former “friend” of mine – Chris Phenomenal. As you all saw, the discussion turned to the subject of title shots. More specifically, Chris Phenomenal had somehow reached the conclusion that he was going to be taking this belt from me. And Phenomenal is not the only person who wants this championship belt. You see, I’ve heard murmurings in the back. It arises to nothing more than murmuring of course, since everybody knows quite well what will happen if it becomes anything more, but nonetheless there are those that wish to take me down. Those that have their eyes on me and want to make my championship belt their own. Well, unfortunately there can only be one lucky winner and I’ve already long chosen the number one contender for this belt.

This is exactly what he referred to last week. Apparently he has already chosen who is going to get the next title shot. As this is information that the crowd is VERY interested in, they listen closely. They want nothing more than for that title to end up on somebody else’s waist, and so whoever it is they are prepared to root for him. Just the idea of finding out who will get a chance to hopefully put Freeman in his place and strike a blow to Ascendancy’s power leaves them on the edge of their seat, and Freeman finally seems ready to speak the name.

Freeman: Now, the man who is going to challenge for this championship belt is...Not going to be revealed at this time.

The fans instantly begin to boo, all the suspense for nothing. And the question remains then, if Freeman was not going to reveal who his challenger is then what is he doing in the ring right now? Is he merely wasting their time? They had hoped that at least they’d have something to look forward to, but it seemed that that was not going to be happening. Freeman seems amused by the discontent that his statements have caused, and perhaps he had purposely caused this reaction. Either way, it didn’t matter, the suspense was going to continue regardless. As the fans boos grow louder, Freeman raises the mic once more.

Freeman: Oh, be quiet. Did I not say earlier that things happen on MY terms now? MY terms, meaning that when I want the world to know who the next challenger is - when I want my CHALLENGER to know who he is - then everybody will. And that time is coming soon. But I think that as it lies it will be best for my own plans if it remains a bit of a mystery. I guarantee that everybody will know when the time comes, and that there shall be no doubt at all in the matter. But what I have come out HERE to state is that no - Chris Phenomenal will NOT be receiving a world title shot. Sorry, CP, but that’s the way it goes. And don’t worry, I have picked an opponent through whom I can send a message to any other prospective challenger - not that I should have anything left to prove. Since returning six months ago, I have yet to be pinned. I have defeated legends and ended careers, but if I need to add another victim to my list, I will do so.

Freeman does indeed have a very impressive record as of late. He had not been defeated since coming back to ACW (unless you count the Fallen Heroes Battle Royal) and had indeed beaten not only BK London at Omega Effect, but Danny Mainer at Seven Deadly Sins. The rise in Freeman’s stock had finally occurred, though not as soon as he had hoped. Well, it seems that the greater wait has made things that much sweeter to Freeman, as now that he is on top he is more arrogant than ever.

Freeman: And despite what anybody in the back may say, they are JUST like these fans. These fans can boo me all they want. Millions of fans around the world can disapprove of me, and they can voice that disapproval as loudly as they want! The fact of the matter is, it means nothing. None of them can DO anything about it. These wrestlers in the back are exactly the same way. Say what they will, there is nothing they can do to stop me, and their voices of protest are nothing more than the ineffectual bleating of this valueless crowd. Not one assault on Ascendancy has been successful and none will – that even includes the political assaults that Samuel Hawthorne has attempted. So continue to voice all the dissent you want, but Ascendancy remains strong and nothing shall weaken its bonds. Let’s just say that I hope that by the end of tonight, that may be proved once more.

And with that “Ugly” hits the speakers once more, this short address over, and the world champion leaving the ring. The fans are feeling a little unsettled by Freeman’s parting words. Whenever Freeman says anything to that effect it usually does NOT end well for somebody, and with the hinting at having picked a challenger…is Freeman going to make the first shot? Quite possibly much of the locker-room is on guard right now. It could be anybody, but Ascendancy has a target, and they had better be careful before the blow was struck.

Fade.

[Jason Freeman]

RACK-JACK
Chris Lawson l Claude LeBatard

The scene begins in the entrance lobby of this weeks addition of Monday Night Warfare. The camera is already focused on three girls and a security gaurd at one of the gates to get into the arena. Clearly the gate is closed and the girls are late but they seem to be oblivious to this fact.

The security gaurd is atleast 6 foot 4 and towers over the small girls. He has a dark skin tone, and has a pair of dark shades covering his eyes making him look emotionless. He is also wearing a plain black fleece over a white shirt and black tie giving him a real bodygaurd look.

The first girl, Kelly, is your average american blone woman. She's wearing copious amounts of make up and lets her hair drape over her shoulders. Her blue eye shadow makes her look slightly sluttish but overall she's made an effort to look nice. She is wearing a pair of stone washed denim jeans and a low cut, sleeveless, white top.

The scond girl, Cindy, lets just say she puts the asian into persuasian. She's also made a slight effort to get dressed up with the eye shadow and blusher trowled onto her face. Cindy's outfit for the night also consists of a pair of jeans and low cut top. However, her jeans are darker than Kelly's and her top is slightly less low cut, but then again, her breasts are slightly more petite.

Now we come to the third and final girl, Casey, is a little more classy than the first to. Her hair is less generic. It should be described as a wild maine of brown slick, jagged hair. Her make up is carefully applied in the right quantities making sure she doesnt plaster it all over her face. Casey's attire of choice is covered up by a black coat that reaches from the top of her neck down to just past her waist. The coat is buttoned up and has a belt round it to keep it tight, genntly hugging her sleek figure.

Kelly and Cindy run up to the gaurd with big smiles on their faces with tickets in hand ready for the show. Oh what disappointment awaits. The gaurd justl stares at the girls with no emoiton on his face. Slowly Casey walks up behind the first two girls.

Kelly Moranis: We're here for Monday Night Warfare? We have our tickets.

Cindy Martin: Yeah, here ya' go!

-Cindy hands the tickets over towards the bouncers but they simply shake their heads denying her access.-

Bodyguard 1: Sorry girls, gates closed ten minutes ago. Come back next week maybe?

Casey Alcott: Ugh, if only my stupid boyfriend had come pick us up before coming to the show. We wouldn't be in this mess. I-

Cindy Martin: Ex-boyfriend. Come on, you dumped him remember? You need to get over it.

Casey Alcott: He was supposed to make it up to me today, UGH! Son of a-... Sir, is there no way we can get in?

Bodyguard 1: Do you or any of your friends have a switch blade or a semi-automatic rifle on your person?

Casey Alcott: No. How about you two?

Cindy Martin: Oh sorry Case, I left mine at home. Both of them.

Kelly Moranis: I have pepper spray, does that count?

Bodyguard 1: No. Do you have an invisibility cloak?

Casey Alcott: No.

Bodyguard 1: Do you have a time machine?

Casey Alcott: … no. I don't have time for this.

Bodyguard 1: No, you don't because you weren't here early enough before the gates closed and-

-Silence hits the bodyguard as a familiar presence arrives. He's not a wrestler but as Samuel Hawthorne's legal advisor and the most highly educated man to ever set foot in an ACW locker room Mr. Chris Lawson appearing on the scene does demand some respect and respect he gets as the bodyguard who's at least twice his size is hushed into silence by the much smaller, suit-clad gentleman.-

Chris Lawson: I'm not going to stand here and bore you with the details of how many lawsuits you are in fact opening yourself up to right now Mr. Jackson but I'll tell you one thing. These girls? They are with me and as Mr. Hawthorne's legal consultant and in fact a very good friend of his I'd advise you step aside and let these girls through. You wouldn't want to lose your job over something as silly as this, would you?

Bodyguard 1: No sir. Go on right ahead.

Kelly Moranis: Actually, this might sound crazy but do you have work to do tonight Chris?

Chris Lawson: No, I have a free schedule for the rest of the evening. Why?

Kelly Moranis: Well if you would do us the honour of letting us hang out with you for a bit we'd love to spend the evening with you instead of her dickweed boyfriend and his douchebag friends.

-Kelly points to Casey who shies away, her head dropping down as she goes bright red at being paid attention to by a celebrity.-

Chris Lawson: I think I can handle your companies. I'm Chris Lawson by the way, nice to meet you all.

-He offers a handshake to each of the girls who in turn introduce themselves making sure they catch a whiff of his Calvin Klein – Obsession for extra brownie points of smelling good.-

Kelly Moranis: I'm Kelly Moranis,

Cindy Martin: I'm Cindy Martin.

Casey Alcott: Dr. Casey Alcott, pleasure to meet you.

Kelly Moranis: Yeah, Casey has a PHD in Psychology. She always was the smart one of the group.

Chris Lawson: Interesting, how about you two girls? Did you ever go to college?

Kelly Moranis: Nah, I'm a beautician and Cindy works for UPS.

Cindy Martin: Oh thanks, tell the cutie that I have the most unsexy job on the planet.

-Chris Lawson smirks and shrugs off the comment interjecting himself before a fight can break out between the two lovelies, a status war ensuing with Kelly the clear leader and Cindy the competitive bitchy one vying for control.-

Chris Lawson: It's not what you do with your working life that counts sugar, it's what you do outside of it that counts and from the looks of things you girls sure know how to have a good time.

-Casey and Cindy giggle while Casey is timid in the background and tries to hide away allowing her more confident friends to take the lead. Lawson noticing this makes his moves.-

Chris Lawson; So, Psychology huh? Must be pretty interesting. You met any real head cases yet? I take it you do Clinical Therapy.

Casey Alcott: Actually I only do therapy part time, I'm training for a teaching certificate so I can become a professor at a university but I can't tell you anything that I do on account of Doctor/Patient confidentiality.

Chris Lawson: Sounds good huh. Make a big difference in some kids lives huh? Sounds great. Where'd you graduate from, Ivy League?

Casey Alcott: Actually I graduated from a Russel Group college in England. I did my studies abroad at Oxford.

Chris Lawson: That's highly impressive Dr. Alcott. Russel Group, is that like England's Ivy League?

Casey Alcott: Very much so, I-

-Sensing the unthinkable that she's losing Chris to her nerdy, quieter friend Kelly quickly interrupts the flow of conversation and takes over-.

Kelly Moranis: Where'd you get your suit, Mr. Lawson? If I were to undress in front of you would you press charges?

Chris Lawson: Well first I'd-

-Another interruption as the smell of garlic suddenly floods the area and the sound of Claude LeBatard yelling can be heard.-

Claude LeBatard: Christopher, I ordered ze cappucino you left to make me exactly three and a half minutes ago! 'Ave you been trying to pois-

-LeBatard strolls into vision and sees that Lawson is chatting up three fine honey's and immediately changes his attitude. Seeing celebrity, Kelly and Cindy immediately give him the look over and like what they see while Casey looks a little bit lost and confused.-

Claude LeBatard: Well hello ladies, I see zat you have been introduced to my lawyer Mr. Lawson. Are you 'ere for ze show?

Cindy Martin: Yeah, we are. But the bodyguard won't let us in. Your friend Chris however was about to just get us through the gates.

Claude LeBatard: Nevermind zat shit! I am 'ere, how would you ladies like to come back to my locker room and drink crème de menthe?

Cindy Martin: Sounds great!

Kelly Moranis: Yeah, lead the way Claude!

-Claude puts his arms around the two and leads them off with Casey trailing behind the three leaving Lawson to stew in anger as he has just been royally rack-jacked by his employer. Staring at his own feet he clenches his fist, desperately resisting the urge to start a fight knowing full well that Le Batard is much stronger and much better trained than him. He stares at his own feet as LeBatard turns around.-

Claude LeBatard: Oh, and thanks for warming ze girls up for me! Hahahahahaha!

-Lawson clenches his teeth and prepares to snap as the goading words of the Frenchman cause his blood pressure to soar but as the silver lining to his cloud he looks up and sees Casey stood in front of him. Handing him a piece of paper with numbers scrawled on it she smiles sweetly, concerned for the lawyer.-

Casey Alcott: Call me sometime, and we can go get a coffee?

-Lawson smiles, he'd like that.-

Chris Lawson: I'd like that.

Casey Alcott: I'd love to stop and chat but I don't wanna lose my friends, see you later maybe?

Chris Lawson: Sure, cya later I guess?

Casey Alcott: Heh, okay. Bye!

-With that, the timid psychologist sprints off to catch up with her friends and Claude hasn't even noticed their absence. Turning the piece of paper over in his hand there's the seven digits he wants, an e-mail address and a big red X mark as a kiss. Opposites attract but so do people with similar tastes and interests and the academic Casey has found herself a liking in Lawson even if she's going to have to put up with Claude for the next few hours. Stuffing the paper in his pocket he realizes he still has the cappucino in his hand and takes a swig of it enjoying at least even this small victory.-

Fade.

[Jason Freeman]

The Return
Credit: Criminal

At the bottom of the screen it shows a message stating “two days earlier”. The scene shows a busy airport full of ACW wrestling fans. In the airport is the ACW sensation himself, former ACW Entertainment Champion… CRIMINAL.! The sound of the fans is heard over the camera, as they are watching the same broadcast. They can’t believe their eyes, after a 5 month leave of absence the man has returned. The looks on the fans inside the airport are PRICELESS! You can hear the whispers, and see the pointing towards the superstar. He just glances at the fans with an evil grin, as he quickly grabs his luggage and walks outside to hear more whispering, and seeing more pointing. The superstar just keeps grinning as he gets into a taxi. The titantron movie stops as the fans raise in a “Criminal” chant.

The lights flicker throughout the arena, the fans go crazy!
“BECAUSE I’M A CRIMINAL!” is heard over the pa system in the wonderful ACW arena. The pyros explode sending the crowd into a frenzy over the return of such a great superstar. Out comes the man of the hour. The fans start screaming so loud that you are unable to even hear the music. Criminal just grins and proceeds to the ring. He glances from side to side looking at the fans wanting just to touch the athlete, However, he does not move from the middle of the ramp. Once inside the ring, he taunts the fans one last time, then quickly grabs a microphone.

[glow=red,2,300]Criminal:[/glow] Ladies and Gentlemen, I HAVE RETURNED TO ACW!! Is this return permant you all may ask? Honestly, I’m unsure. We will just have to see what obsticles are thrown my way through out my life. Now, I don’t plan on returning to the ring tonight, or even next week for that matter, but if I receive a challenge or Hawthorne being the prick that he is decides the ACW needs my expertise that much, then I guess I have no other choice than to become the most entertaining event that the ACW has seen since…

Criminal pauses

[glow=red,2,300]Criminal:[/glow] Well, about five months ago when I left the ACW ring for my party life. If your people would have had more of a life than sitting on the ACW island, some of you would have been able to party it up with yours truly. Now, with this return I have decided that the antics must begin. I AM THE CRIMINAL , and it is about time that I act like the Criminal I use to be. I am going to start back at the bottom of the list, and work my way up the Entertainment Champion, and gain back what was rightfully mine. Well… Wait just a minute… I technically do still have a re-match clause against the Entertainment champion, but Taylor, I’m not going to use that so quickly. Hell, by the time I’m ready to use my re-match you may not even be champion anymore. Now, here tonight I am issuing an open challenge, to any superstar in the back… AND I MEAN ANY!!! I don’t care if you are the World Champion, or the Seedier Creep, or Entertainment Champion, or some other low life in this federation. Whether I win or lose it’s all just experience in which I am at this time in dire need of. Anyone interested just find me in the back, where I will be causing CAOS!!

Criminal drops the microphone as his music begins to play over the PA system. The fans chant his name as he proceeds up the ramp and to the back. What “Caos” is the ACW going to receive?

[Jason Freeman]

"You Ain't my Buddy..."
Claude LeBatard



-A Few Days Ago-


The scene begins as the camera fades in on a hotel apartment somewhere near the next Monday Night Warfare destination. The room is quite large and looks to be some sort of V.I.P suite, clearly an expensive room. The room has a medium brown, wooden door in the corner of the large room probably leading to an ensuite bathroom and a pair of large wooden, pale white double doors leading out into the main corridor. The handles on the doors are gold but most likely just metal painted gold. However, the gold effect still makes the doors alone look expensive.

The room is coloured in a white, vanilla esque paint giving it a spacious feel which is added to by its tall ceilings. Andre the Giant would have had no trouble standing up straight in one of these rooms. At the bottom of the wall where it meets floor there is a wooden skirting board running round the entire room and the carpet is dark blood red. The entire room looks to be extremely tidy, cleaned earlier in the day most probably. There are no dirt marks on the wall and not a spec of dust defiles this perfect sanctuary.

Across from the door on the other side of the room is a large window looking out into the hussle and bussle of the city from way up high. The emense noise of the traffic down below doesn't even reach the windows, the room is far too high up. Infront of the view out is a pair of white, net curtains. Allowing people inside to see out but people outside don't have the privilage of looking in on this corner of Utopia.

The phrase utopia is not to be used lightly but this room is certainly deserved of it. The room has everything anyone could want, queen size bed, 42" plasma screen, leather couch, even a mini bar, which from the looks of it isn't so mini. You couldn't not be content just sitting in here. No doubt the room is expensive, you'd have to take out a second mortgage to stay here for a week, but that wouldn't stop the worlds most extravagant frenchman.

The golden door handle of the door into the bathroom turns and the door slowly opens without a noise. The door works like a well oiled machine, it must be... well oiled. Standing in the door way is none other than one half of ACW's newest tag team, Twistest Steal and Sex Appeal, Claude LeBatard. Claude is wearing nothing but a bright purple, silk robe with a lovely black velvet outlining. The robe reaches to just above his knee revealing atleast half of his legs.

As Claude strolls out of the bathroom towards the window he hears a lound knock on the door. Claude turns towards the door as it opens and his barely homanoid man servant, Maurice walks through clutching and envelope tightly in both his hands. Maurice has a look of worry on stricken across his face, something must be wrong. A single bead of sweat runs off his forehea dand down to the end of his nose.

Claude looks at Maurice in silence before extending his right hand towards Maurice. Maurice bows his head and hands Claude the envelope while letting out a small whimper. Maurice is clearly the barer of bad news and already fears Claude's reaction. But after seeing this man take bad news in the bpast, who wouldn't be afraid of the reaction.

Claude examines the envelope in utter silence, turning it and observing it from every angle. He holds it up to the light before bringing it back down to chest height. Claude's fingers run across the edge of the envelope slowly, building the tension and fear for Maurice. This once tranquil suite has become an arena of cold and dark atmosphere.

Claude opens the envelope and pulls out a sheet of card. As he does so Maurice turns his back and crosses his fingers for a calm Claude after this is all said and done. Maurice waits, with all his muscles clenched expecting the worse but nothing comes. Maurice slowly turns his head and looking over his own shoulder at Claude opens his mouth to break the silence.

Maurice:Sir... is everything ok?...

Claude glances up at Maurice with a look of rage on his face. The silence remains but the ferocity on Claude's face is worth a thousand words. Lightning would strike and the winds would howl if Claude had the power of the elements. But despite his skill and tenacity in the ring, Claude is still mortal, though he would have you believe otherwise. Claude begins to speak very calmly, surely he's taken the news, whatever it is, quite well.

Claude: Maurice...

Maurice: Yes sir?

Claude: Do you know what zis is?

Maurice: No sir...

Claude: Zis, Maurice, my chubby little play thing, is ze card for Monday's show.

Maurice: Phew, i thought it was going to be bad news for a second.

Both men smile at each other before a chckle breaks out from Claude. Maurice joins in and the two begin laughing together like good friends. Claude walks over to Maurice and puts his arms out for a hug. Maurice oblidges happily still laughing away to himself. However, Claude grabs Maurice's hands and slaps him about the face with them.

A mean streak a mile wide takes over Claude's face, the dastardly european just pulled a fast one on Maurice. This is not good news and Maurice knows it. Maurice's entire face drops as he realises something is going to happen here. Maurice launches himself behind a table for cover as Claude picks up a bedside lamp and hurls it towards him. This is about to become a full scale tantrum from Claude.

Claude: Damn it Maurice! Get out 'ere so I can beat you about ze place! You dare deliver me a card like zis! It's an outrage! I will not stand for it!

Maurice: But sir, what's wrong with it?

Claude: I'll tell you whats wrong wiz it! I'm not getting any ring time wiz my tag team partner! Don't you understand you silly little man!? How can I be in a dominant tag team if I do not have a match wiz my partner! Damn you Maurice! Zis is all your fault!

Claude begins storming around the room throwing anything he can at Maurice's corner of shelter, plates, vases, candles, shoes! Maurice just lies behind his table quietly hoping that it will all be over soon.

Claude: Next time Maurice, you bring me a card zat I want! And it better 'ave me and my best friend, Public Enemy in ze same match on ze same team. Last week we shared an 'ug Maurice! AN 'UG! We're ze best of friends ans you are trying to come between us!

Maurice: But sir, i don't choose the card!

Claude: I don't give a damn Maurice! You are mine, and you will do as I tell you! And anozer thing! Who is zis zat I am to be doing ze fighting wiz!? Buddy Gee... Jee... Ghay... argh even 'is name is giving me ze 'eachache! He is not my buddy Maurice, my buddy is Public Enemy! And i want to be fighting wiz her after zis week! OK!?

Maurice: Yes sir!

Claude: Good! Now get out of my site you filthy little rat! I don't want to see you again until you 'ave done my laundry! Hand washed! And get on ze phone to my lawyer! I am going to be 'aving words with people if zis is to be 'appening again to me!

Maurice: Are you going to stop throwing things at me so I can leave?

Claude: No! I am going to carry on wiz ze throwing and watch you run! Now go!

Maurice clambers from behind the table and darts towards the door as Maurice continues to pelt him with inanimate objects. Maurice dodges most of them before being his square in the face with a mug. The mug shatters into numerous peices as Maurice quickly runs out the door to safety. The camera fades out on a shot of Claude looking extremely angry.

[Jason Freeman]

Match 1
Frank Washington and Cross vs. The Southern Smashers (CP)

This match was almost over before it started. The Southern Smashers started in the ring and after entering the ring for the first time as a team, Frank and Cross went right after their opponents, backing them into separate corners, the bell rang and after whipping them into each other, colliding in the middle of the ring. From there, Frank connected with the Game Ender on Rich Richardson, while Cross absolutely decimates Evan Dixon with a Tiger Flowsion!

Both men made the cover and got the three count in a shocking display of power, the match ending before Chris Phenomenal could even make it to ringside.

[Jason Freeman]

That's My Quarterback, Damnit! (CP, Cross, Big Frank)

Fresh off the demolition of The Southern Smashers, Chris Phenomenal steps into the ring with a microphone in hand. Cross and Frank Washington grab hold of Rich Richardson and Evan Dixon, before launching them out of the ring and taking up a position next to Chris Phenomenal, flanking him.

Chris: “Ladies and gentleman, your winners in record time, Frank Washington and Cross!”

The number of boo's coming from the audience is commensurate to the number of people present, but it has no ill effects on the three men in the ring. They simply revel in the attention being given to them, bad publicity, still being publicity.

Chris: “Entourage, The Senatorial Stable, Mega Star Alliance, ACW has been gifted with some of the greatest collections of men ever in the world of professional wrestling. Each grouping however has eventually failed due to the men at the top of those organizations becoming so full of themselves they forget the little people.”

Frank: “Yet amongst us there are no little people. Since our formation we have already demolished the Southern Smashers and took out the so-called 'Soul of Philly' leaving him in a pool of his own blood. Just like the lumberjack clearing a path we chopped down the giant redwood, and made it fall removing the obstacle from our path.

Yet this impact does not happen without those I unite with.”

Cross: “We are united in one mission, and that is to take ACW by surrender or force. Each and everyone of you glorify Thiago Gracie and Laron Xavier for their shenanigans, get behind a renegade like Danny Mainer who has lived a life of debauchery. You are as fickle as a tailor, and it will be your downfall. You can voice as much hate as you want towards but I know what it is. You see me and instantly dislike me, whether it's my look, my talent, my charisma or the fact that I am a future ACW World Heavyweight Champion. You look at yourself as abject failures, and me as everything you wish you could have, but can't!

The self effacing dialogue does not endear them to the crowd at all. Frank Washington walks over to the turnbuckle and poses, inciting the gathered masses a little more.

Chris: “Each and everyone of you come each Monday night to see Warfare, and thus, what better group to take control of ACW then the Dogs of War.”

Frank: “Each of us individually could make it to the top of this company. I've wrestled around the world, sold out stadiums, and wrestled some of the best in the world and like it or not nobody can deny the impact I've made at every promotion I've wrestled for and ACW will be no different. It's no secret that I've lived by the creed of 'Looking out for Number One' and individually it has earned me a number of championships and accomplishments however the Dogs of War is a different story. We each bring our own talents and expertise to the table and unlike other 'great' factions in history there is no weak links or one person carrying the weight of the team, all there is is ruthless efficiency. Individually it's hard to argue against the talent we each possess, myself being a multi-time champion having wrestled around the world, Chris being the former ACW World Champion, and Cross raising hell on the MMA circuit.”

Cross: “Yet as a group we are an unstoppable force. Last week, TJ found that out the hard way after we left him in a pool of his own blood. Just previously you saw the dominance of The Southern Smashers at our hands, and next week, at the ACW Fan Appreciation Night, we'll take it one step further.”

The crowd begins to jeer but this time, instead of waiting for them to finish Chris Phenomenal simply speaks over top of them.

Chris: “You see, to conquer ACW you need to reach the top and to do that, I must re-posses my ACW World Heavyweight Championship. I told each and everyone of you I was going to make a statement last week and I did by taking TJ out. Yet that wasn't strictly about a personal vendetta, those were cast aside for the betterment of the Dogs of War.”

Frank: “It was simply because he had something that we wanted.”

Cross: “You see, just like Josef Stalin and the Ukraine we marched in and took that which would make us stronger. The Soviets took land ...”

Chris: “And we took this.”

With that Chris procures a document from inside the pocket of his hooded sweatshirt and holds it up for the crowd. The camera zooms in on it and reveals ACW letterhead along with the word 'crucible.'

Chris: “Three months ago at Omega Effect VI, TJ won the Crucible Contract which guarantees the holder, one shot at the ACW World Heavyweight Championship anytime they want. Seeing as how this is in my possession, I guess I would be classified as 'the holder' and thus capable of making a challenge.”

Frank and Cross simply nod there heads up and down, agreeing with Chris' rhetoric.

Chris: “Earlier this evening, Jason Freeman said he was going to announce who his next opponent would be but I've got news for him. Just because he runs around here with Jon Taylor and Ryan Cole up his ass and has fanciful delusions of owning this place ...”

There's a slight snicker at Chris mocking someone for having 'fanciful delusions'.

Chris: “Aye, shut up! Jason Freeman, you do not choose who your opponents are ... we do! I posses the right to name the time and place of your next title defence if I so choose ... and we do! You do not run shit, the Dogs of War do. So next week, we're going to have an ACW title match. Jason Freeman vs. Chris Phenomenal.

You've never been anything Freeman, you won against Danny Mainer because you had the numbers on your side, but the Dogs of War can match you person for person and when that happens your nothing. You don't compare in the slightest to me Jason Freeman, because I am ...

SIMPLY PHENOMENAL!!!”

'Hate Me Now' begins to play as the newly christened Dogs of War pose for the crowd as we cut away to the back.

[Jason Freeman]

Frenching It Up[/size][/b]
Claude LeBatard

The scene begins in a large room filled with round tables, each with a red table cloth draped over it. Around each table are approximately four dark wooden chairs and with atleast 100 tables there are around 400 people seated in the room. The noise is imence as everyone around the table chats aways to each other and the atmosphere is great. There isn't a dull heart in the room. The walls around the room are atleast 20 foot high giving the room great accoustics as everyones voices bounce off the walls giving that echoing effect.

To the far right of the room is a large wooden stage that could fit atleast 200 people on it standing. The stage has a large black podium in the centre at the front of it, two microphones pertrude from the top of it and face the opposite way from the people at the tables. The podium has an eagle on the front of it moulded out of gold giving it that extravagant look. At the back of the stage is a huge backdrop of the french flag covering the entire wall.

At each side of the stage is a gap leading to backstage behind the french flag and a set of stairs leading from the front of the stage onto the stage for people to get onto it, most likely for accepting awards. Infact this whole scenario seems like an awards evening of some sort. With all the hustle and bustle at the tables it's a nightmare for waiters with drinks to try and squeeze past but some how they sitll manage it, even if it's not particularly graceful

At a table towards the back of the room is a farmiliar face we all know and love... or atleast know. Claude LeBatard sits on a wooden chair at the back of the room conversing with the other people around his table. Claude is wearing a jet black tux and bow tie specially for the event. His hair is tied back this time rather than slicked back like usual.

Sitting at the table with him are some of his greatest idols, Nicolas Sarkozy being one, the second being Andre the Giant and the third being Patrick Stewart. Sarkozy is wearing a black suit and tie with a bright white shirt, almost glowing infact. He has a smile on his face and a shimmer in his eye as he converses with Claude that says, you're my hero. Claude and Sarkozy chuckle as they finish a joke. Due to all the noise the table being focused on can't be heard but speech isn't necessary.

Andre, the biggest man at the table if not the entire room, is wearing a grey suit, taylor made to fit his gigantic measurements. He is not wearing a tie for fear of choking but his shirt is black with silver stripes on it complimenting his suit perfectly. He sits quietly listening to Sarkozy and Claude. These three frenchmen fit perfectly together, the seating arrangers deserve congratulations.

However, that previous statement might well be withdrawn when you take a look at the fourth man on the table. Patrick Steward watches the three frenchmen with a look of distrust on his face, who would sit him with frenchmen? Then again, the big french flag at the back sort of suggests the entire evening is something to do with France.

Mr. Stewart is wearing his maroon star trek uniform complete with the badge. which most people would see as unusual considering everyone else in the entire room is in formal wear. Patrick makes eye contact with Claude and smiles nervously before speaking into his badge. Certainly not an oridanry thing to do at an awards evening.

The lights in the room slowly fade out and the rooms is filled with a chilling silence. Two spotlights are turned on and focus on the stage as Oliver Martinez and Eva Green enter onto the stage from stage left and stage right. Martinez is wearing a black tux similar to all generic tuxedos and Green is wearing a beautiful silk, red dress.

The two walk up to the podium and smile at eachother before tunring back to the audience watching them. Green picks up an envelope in her hand and plays with it nervously as they introduce the wards evening.

Martinez: Hello, and welcome, to the National French Awards Ceremony.

Green: We've got some great awards to celebrate here tonight, and I have the first result in my hands already.

Martinez: Well then Eva, lets get it underway. Here we have, the greatest Frenchman of the year.

Green: The nominees for Greatest Frenchman of the Year are... Nicolas Sarkozy... Gaspard Ulliel... Claude LeBatard... and Clara Morgane... and the winner is... CLADE LEBATARD!!!

Applause sounds from around the room as the camera focuses on Claude with a look of suprise and excitement on his face. He shakes his head in disbelief before running to the stage and then up the stairs to collect his award. He gets the podium and is greated by a golden trophy of a man holding a french flag. Claude takes the award with great pride before turning towards the audience to give his speech.

Claude: Oh wow, zis was really unexpected. I mean... just wow. Ok, i'd like to thank me for being so totally amazing... my good friend Nicolas Sarkozy for being a great president! Errr... my mozzer for giving birth to such a magnificent specimen. Errrr...

Suddenly the audience burst out laughing and pointing at Claude. Claude looks around confused before realising he's not wearing any pants. He tries to cover himself up with his award quickly to spare himself any more embarrassment but it doesn't go to well.

Claude:No! Zis isn't fair! Zis is my award! My award!

Claude, sir! Wake up, wake up sir.

The camera begins to ripple before fading into a scene of Claude tossing and turning in his hotel bed as seen in the previous segment. Maurice is standing next to the bed looking over him and telling him to wake up.

Maurice: Sir, wake up, you're having a bad dream.

Claude: No! It's my award, leave me alone!

Maurice: Sir, wake up!

Claude sits up suddenly in his bed and looks around to see he's in his hotel room. He looks at Maurice in confusion before realising it was a bad dream.

Claude: Oh Maurice, I was 'aving ze most terrible dream. I was sitting at a table wiz Patrick Steward, oh it was 'orrible!

Maurice: You're awake now sir, it's ok.

Claude: Thank god it's over, I 'ope I never meet him in real life.

The camera slowly fades out as Claude explains what happened in his dream with over exaggerated hand actions.

[Jason Freeman]

Money Talks
Dan White

Cast your mind back to.....say last Thursday or so. Our hero (or not, to many) has been in a pretty foul mood following his unsuccessful match against Senator Steve Phillips on Pay Per View. And he finds himself at a bit of a loose end, as we see him at a cash machine (ATM machine to all you Yanks) trying to get some money out. His brother, Sgt. Pilko watches on with a big black smear across the camera, trying to hide something over his shoulder.

Dan White: What the actual fuck. I should have more money in my account than this!

Pilko sighs as Dan punches the keyboard angrily.

Dan White: Look at this! Shouldn’t I have more money than that?

Pilko rolls his eyes as he casts upon the screen, raising his eyebrows as he looks at the numbers.

Sgt. Pilko: Well Dan, you do know that that’s still an awful lot more than most of us here are earning. I don’t have that much in the bank and I’m *CENSORED*

Dan scowls at Pilko as he explains.

Dan White: Yeah but I used to get paid tons more when I was in ACW! Like loads more than that! I’ve not been overspending, I’ve just been doing what I normally do! There’s no way that I deserve to be down this amount of money. Absolutely no way. What the hell am I going to do?

Sgt. Pilko: Well you know, you could always release a rap album and start a movie care-OH WAIT.

Dan could almost hit Pilko at this point. He doesn’t like to be reminded of his former failed quests into the entertainment business, and as a result, he quickly changes the subject.

Dan White: Man, I’ve got two houses to pay a mortgage for! Do you know how much I owe? Well admittedly it’s not much cos I got a bunch of money for winning the World title last year that paid off a good chunk of that money, but it’s still a lot! I can’t afford to live off a wage like THIS.

His younger brother is getting a little bit sick of Dan’s whinging, and prompts him to leave the cash machine.

Sgt. Pilko: Dan, stop being a tool and let’s go. You’re still earning more than most of ACW and a lot of wrestlers in the world. We’ll go to the pub, and let’s talk about something else. I mean let’s talk Newcastle United, they’ve got Everton at the weekend.

Dan doesn’t look like he wants to go to the pub at all, which is most unusual for our hero.

Sgt. Pilko: ...for fuck’s sake, I’ll get the first round in if it makes you come.

That sounds better. Dan “The Jew” White has to take care of his funds nowadays. No more strip clubs and drinking until 11 in the morning for him, no sir-ee. He has responsibilities.

Dan White: Make it the first two rounds.

Pilko shakes his head as he and his brother cross the road to make it to the nearest watering hole, as the camera fades to black.

[Jason Freeman]

Laron Homicide: (Laron and Thiago)

'It's like baby, baby, baby, ooohhh!'

The scene opens to Thiago Gracie looking at the door to the washroom in the locker room with a disgusted look on his face, the lyrics of Justin Bieber's hit song 'Baby' being sung by his partner in action, Laron Xavier. As the door opens and Laron strides out, he looks over at Thiago with a perplexed look on his face.

Laron: What da fuck are ya lookin' at Nigga?

Thiago: Why you sing song Baby? That not song, it pop crap for girls to play on radio of American FM. You not girl, so why sing song?

Laron: Nigga, what da fuck are ya talkin' 'bout?

Thiago: You sing Baby, Baby, Oh! Thiago hear with ear!

Laron: Nigga, ya fucked outta ya mind or somethin'?

Thiago: Thiago no do drugs, it like armbar brain. You not seen Thiago commercial?

Laron: No!

Thiago: You must, it good. Thiago tell kids not to do drugs. Thiago not know name of them but Ali does.

Laron: Whatever, I wasn't singin' dat shit. Westside fo' life Nigga!

Thiago: You lie to Thiago. Thiago hear you sing Justin Beaver with his ear. OWW louder then after Thiago snap arm with armbar.

Laron: Nigga I wasn't singin' dat faggot's song.

All of the sudden the door re-opens and a girl walks out who smiles at Laron.

Laron: Ya see Nigga I was shoutin' 'cause dat bitch was suckin' my ...

Ali Ahmed Mehrmohammandi enters the room for the PG save as he looks at both Thiago and Laron.

Ali: What the hell of you? I hear argument again between two you. Always argue, never be friend, is no team tag way.

Laron: Ya shoulda heard dis Nigga, Nigga. Nigga was insinuatin' dat I was singin' dat lil bitch Biebers music.

Women: Justin Bieber ... I LOVE JUSTIN BIEBER!!!

***ARMBAR***

Thiago:(talking disturbingly normally while applying armbar on random woman) Only thing Thiago hate more than Justin Bieber is Trace Armstrong. All his fan get armbar from Thiago.

The women taps out to the armbar as Thiago Gracie gets to his feet and throws his hands in air.

Thiago: Victory by Armbar!

Laron: Nigga dat bitch gave me da best ...

PG save for Ali once more.

Ali: People's, we have business to take care of tonight. Hawthorne say Tag Team of Gloriousness get much ratings. Say he reward us.

Laron: He gon' get rid o' da drug policy? I could go for some ...

Ali: No, drug not good. Wing, Coca Cane, Errol Flynn, they no good for you. Tag Team of Gloriousness not do drugs.

Laron: Den what da fuck are we gon' get Nigga!

Ali: T-shirts.

Thiago: Thiago no wear t-shirt, only gi of jiu-jitsu. Gi easier to do armbar in and Thiago always need to be ready for armbar.

Laron: Gi, what da fuck is a Gi? Only Ghee I know is Buddy and dat Nigga's jockin'.

Thiago looks at Laron flabbergasted.

Laron: Wait, is dat da bathrobe ya always wearin'?

Laron smiles as he turns and heads out of the room as the color in the face of Thiago Gracie starts to rise.

Thiago: Laron, come back to here. Thiago will armbar with jujigatame for you insolence ...

Laron simply raises his arm in farewell as he heads round the corner and our scene fades.



---

Shining Star fills the arena to a lukewarm reception. People haven't seen Buddy do a whole lot in a while, so they've lost interest. However, Buddy remains undaunted, mic in hand.

Buddy Ghee: Alright, you guys are obviously excited to see me, huh? Making fun of you fat virgins, hurting your feelings, I understand that you guys got some issues to work out. But a couple-a weeks later, I'm still gettin' emails. "Wah! Buddy! You hurt my feelings!" "Boo hoo! Buddy, you're such a dick!" "Wah! Dungeons and Dragons is a very mature game and it's obviously going over your head!" You guys don't get it. You shouldn't be bitching at me. You should be thanking me for opening your eyes about this stuff. But hey, maybe I should stop.

Buddy climbs the steps and gets between the ropes.

Buddy Ghee: I don't wanna be one-a these guys who sits there, saying he's better than everyone just because he's pretty. I'm not better than you because I look good or I have more friends. I'm better than you because I'm up here, making it in life, and you're sitting there, watching me be more successful than you. I got past all the bullshit in my life. I was raised in poverty. I had nothing to my name but some funk records, a copy of Black Belt Jones, and a ticket to a wrestling match. But look at me now. I'm rich, famous, and I'm doin' what I love for a livin'.

Buddy pauses for a response, but doesn't get much of one.

Buddy Ghee: Alright, that's fine. I guess I need to start talking about monster trucks and titties.

Two audience members cheer.

Buddy Ghee: There we go! But now I think there's something we can all agree on: A Frenchie who talks about his balls all day is the kind of guy who deserves one collegiate ass-whoopin'. Claude LeBatard is just amazing. I mean, pull his face up on the titantron.



Buddy Ghee: I feel like givin' him an ass-whoopin' right now. My God, look at this asshole. Michael Bolton been workin' out? "Ze face zat makes all ze bitches say 'Who did he piss off?'" This guy is such a douche, the people who put his ass through school thought he was a bastard. I would give about anything to put his ass on the mat for a few seconds. Bring him out right now!

[Jason Freeman]

Match 2:
Buddy Ghee vs Claude LeBatard
(Credit: Buddy Ghee)

Claude comes down the ring to Perfect Gentleman by Helloween, as he walks to the ring, exchanging taunts with Buddy. Claude slides under the bottom rope and begins his assault on Buddy. He whips Buddy in the corner and follows it up with a running elbow. Buddy bends over, allowing Claude to go for La Revolution. However, Buddy dodges it and counters with a spinning enzugiri. Claude falls to the ground as Buddy goes for a pin.

1!

Kickout. Definitely not enough to put Claude down. Buddy lifts Claude to his feet and whips him into the corner. He continues with a shoulderblock, following with a couple of punches to the face. Buddy yells out "Sit yo' monkey ass down!" and delivers a hard foot to his gut, dropping him to a sitting position. Buddy jumps to the second rope and jumps off, holding onto the ropes, driving his knees into Claude's face. Buddy lifts Claude to his feet and throws him into the opposite corner. He charges for another shoulder block, but Claude jumps up, straightening his body and driving his feet into Buddy's face, causing him to crumble to the ground. Claude comes to Buddy, lifts him up, and throws him to the ropes, catching him with a single-knee facebuster as he comes back. He goes for the pin.

1!

2!

Buddy kicks out. Claude lifts Buddy to the face, putting his arm across his throat in a dragon sleeper. He begins to deliver chops to Buddy's bare chest. The crowd starts to react in pain as they squirm in their seats, hearing the loud slaps echoing throughout the arena. He lets Buddy go before grabbing the back of his neck and hitting a Snapmare DDT. Claude then runs to the ropes and jumps off, driving his knees into his stomach. He then goes for the cover.

1!

2!

Kickout! Buddy managed to survive this onslaught. Claude sits up on his knees, pulling Buddy to a sitting position, putting him into a sleeper. Buddy shows no signs of moving. Claude tightens the hold as Buddy sits, lifeless, possibly not even breathing. The referee lifts Buddy's hand up. 1! Buddy's arm falls limply to his side. 2! Buddy still doesn't show any signs of even being alive. A grin twists across Claude's face. 3! Buddy's arm begins to fall, but he manages to summon an ounce of strength to keep it from dropping. Buddy lays a slap across Claude's face, which twists into a sickening rage. How dare someone as low as Buddy disrespect someone of Claude's stature!?

Claude picks Buddy up and throws him into the turnbuckle, face first. Buddy slams up against it with a sickening impact as Claude catches him back in the sleeper. Buddy rolls with the impact, pulling his legs over his head, and managing to put it into a pin.

1!

2!

Claude releases the sleeper and pushes him off. Buddy falls under the rope to ringside, managing to find his feet as Claude comes back to continue his attack. Buddy summons his strength and lifts Claude up off his feet, and drops him crotch first across the guard rail. Buddy stumbles back as Claude writhes in pain. Then, he jumps to the rail and rebounds, throwing a kick into his face. Claude falls over the rail and into the crowd. Buddy then climbs into the ring to wait for Claude, possibly getting a count-out victory. But he realized something: He's Buddy Ghee! He doesn't settle for some count-out, especially not with some asshole who thinks he's better than him! He runs to the ropes, rebounds, jumps to the top rope, and leaps off, delivering a crossbody!

Buddy can barely regain his senses, but he knows what he hears: The crowd is chanting "Holy shit!" Buddy wasn't that kind of risk taker. Suddenly, Buddy catches second wind. He lifts Claude over the rail and rolls him into the ring for a cover.

1!

2!

Kickout! Whether Buddy took to long or Claude is too resilient, it wasn't enough to end the match. Buddy then lifts himself over the top rope to lay in wait to deliver his new, unnamed finisher. Claude struggles to his feet, finally, and stands up. Buddy jumps to the top rope and flips over. However, Claude moves out of the way as Buddy lands face first on the mat. He lifts Buddy up and throws his foot into his stomach before running to the ropes and delivering a foot to Buddy's face, known as La Revolution. He puts his foot on Buddy's chest, giving a salute.

1!

2!

3! Claude snaps up the match in an impressive defeat. As the ref hits the mat for three, Claude loses his energy, and just as he's counted out, he collapses against the ropes as he begins to go back to the locker room.

[Jason Freeman]

SILVER LINING
Chris Lawson l Claude LeBatard

-Backstage in Claude LeBatard's locker room Claude has made a dramatic change of persona since his previous match and is now on the couch in nothing but a dressing gown with his feet on the coffee table and two beautiful women under each arm and a third sat away as he tells an amusing anecdote about his time working in a mental hospital as part of his college degree.-

Claude:b And zennn... AND ZEN I said to zem, I said... Well if zat is ze case why is your face so ugly and she says, BECAUSE I 'AVE DOWNS SYNDROME!

-Raucous laughter fills the room from Claude, Cindy and Kelly who are both under an arm each sharing Claude between them. Claude couldn't be happier with a crème de menthe in one hand and a big cuban cigar in the other. Lit, but he doesn't smoke. Why is this? Answers on the back of a postcard to the usual address. Casey simply sits on an arm chair to the side of them not really getting involved which even in his drunk state Claude notices and chooses to call out upon.-

Claude: Casey, my beautiful psychologicy lady. Do you not like your crème de menthe?

Casey Alcott: I do, I'm just not really in a drinking mood... I-.

Claude: Oh... I get it. You don't like me, do you?

Casey Alcott: No, that's not it. I'm just not thirsty. Heh.

Claude: Oh... well now I get it. You're not in a drinking mood but you are in a mood alright... you just want a piece of Claude all to yourself, is that it?

Casey Alcott: N-

-Watching this from the built-in kitchen Lawson's eyes flail wide open as he realizes what's about to happen. Making a tactical decision he whips out his mobile phone hiding it underneath the counter, the piece of paper he was given by Casey clasped in his left hand as Claude stands up from his seat and walks over to her, her face going bright red in the process from both fear and embarassment,-

Claude: Don't be shy. Casey, my dear, is okay. A beautiful girl like you should-

-Suddenly, “Attention” by Gus-Gus plays through the phone next to Lawson on the kitchen counter as Casey's phone rings just in the nick of time. Instinctively, Lawson grabs the phone and throws it to the terrified brunette who catches it without hesitation.-

Chris Lawson: It's your boyfriend.

-She quickly makes her way out of the room and Chris goes to follow and though Claude when sober would be pissed off by such an occurrence he quickly turns his attentions back to the two other girls that remain.-

Claude: Cindy huh? You sure do put ze Asian back into PersuasiAN. Haha.

Cindy Martin: Wow, you're so clever.

-Meanwhile on the outside of the locker room Casey Alcott and Chris Lawson stand outside the locker room with Casey still looking exasperated after the ordeal which she had just gone through. Noticing it wasn't her actual boyfriend calling her, she smirks at Chris.-

Casey Alcott: My boyfriend huh? You're not my boyfriend.

Chris Lawson: It was either that or watching you get skull-thrusted by Claude. I'm sorry if I killed the moment for you.

Casey Alcott: No Chris, don't worry about it. I can't help but think you may have just saved my life.

Chris Lawson: Do you smoke?

Casey Alcott: I'm a casual smoker.

Chris Lawson: You mean you smoke but only when someone offers you one?

Casey Alcott: Sounds about right.

Chris Lawson: Well then, how about we go outside and have ourselves a smoke? I could do with the fresh air and I imagine you could too. The smell of crème de menthe is permanently stuck onto me now having worked for Claude for so long.

Casey Alcott: There had never been a drink of such revile than crème de menthe and it's lack of style.

Chris Lawson: Very poetic, did you minor in English Literature?

Casey Alcott: Physics actually. Straight A student my entire life though so English I could manage too.

Chris Lawson: So your knowledge of semantics and expansive vernacular should be quite impressive huh?

Casey Alcott: Better than most.

Chris Lawson: Better than your friends?

Casey Alcott: Much. They're good friends but they're not exactly the brightest.

Chris Lawson: They're swooning over a Frenchman, I think that's implied on principle baby.

Casey Alcott: And you're much better? He's back in there with two girls.

Chris Lawson: The way I see it hun, he may have two hot girls under his arms but I got the phone number of the prettiest woman in the building. I think I'm allowed to be cocky. Smoke?

Casey Alcott: Sure, I'd like that.

-With that, Chris puts his arm around Casey and the two walk off together as Claude takes his two women into the en suite bedroom and will probably sleep with both of them but as Chris Lawson and Casey Alcott head to the outside smoking area something much more fruitful is likely to come between the two as this appears to be a start of a beautiful relationship between a smooth-talking lawyer and his attractive new doctor friend. Only time will tell what happens next.-

[Jason Freeman]

Laron Michaels and Thiago H: (Laron and Thiago)

After their argument earlier this evening, the Tag Team of Gloriousness appears to have metaphorically kissed and made up, although the looming tension of a potential spontaneous armbar hangs morbidly in the air.

Thiago: Where's Wilson like last commercial Thiago do?

Laron: Wilson, like dat volleyball?

Thiago: No, Wilson who say Thiago no speak English well. Thiago speak great English like Thatched Roof.

Ali: That no Thatched Roof, that Thatcher, Margaret Thatcher, woman of England Prime Minister, Thiago.

Thiago: Yes.

Ali Ahmed Mehrmohammandi strides onto the scene and looks at the new director, last name Kaufman, who shoots them the five raised fingers.

Laron: Nigga, what da fuck are we ...

As the red light starts, Laron is interrupted by Nigerian Ali.

Ali: Ladies and Gentleman, Tag Team of Gloriousness here with announcement special for all you people's watching. Two weeks ago we tell you no smoke drugs like wing, but tonight we have something for you to re-inforce message with importance.

With that Ali rips off the shirt he is wearing to reveal a new one underneath.

Thiago: New shirt for tag team of Gloriousness.

Laron: Nigga, ya look like Obafemi Martins on dat shit.

Ali: You see, Tag Team of Gloriousness think it important to spread news of clean living with positive reinforcement, no like C.P. Munk does on other wrestling show.

Laron: Ya see Nigga, when ya don' shave ya fuckin' chest, ya look like a drug addict who can't afford a fuckin' razor 'cause he spent his last twenty gettin' da gram of weed.

Ali: Yes, wing no good for you and you brain.

Thiago: What is good though is Tag Team of Gloriousness and Gracie Jiu Jitsu, so instead of do drug, be like Thiago and learn armbar, then you too can be victory by armbar.

Laron: And if ya not a punk ass Nigga, ya can buy dat t-shirt on ACWshop.com. All major credit cards are accepted, or ya can send me a gram o' wing and I'll get ya one.

Ali: And if you no down with that, has Thiago one word!

Thiago: ARMBAR!!!

Laron: Nigga dat's two.

Thiago: No one in English, what language you speak. Thiago Gracie says armbar is true important word for you and-

With that there thirty seconds are up and our scene fades.

[Jason Freeman]

Money is the Root of All Evil
Dan White

Following on from the segment that was done circa last Thursday, Our Hero and his chums are sat around in Dan’s locker room. Everything is good. Newcastle won against Everton, and err, well that’s about it. Dan is still quite annoyed about his financial situation, despite the fact that he’s probably earning more than the other three guys in the room put together. Not including the cameraman, though. Because the cameraman is George Clooney.

Dan White: I can’t believe I turned up today when I’m earning a pittance for being here.

His brother sighs, and begins to lose it with his older, more attractive, thinner sibling.

Sgt. Pilko: Oh for crying out loud, boyo! You’re still earning loads! You’ve just got to have a minor change in lifestyle! I mean you don’t have to worry about your son anymore, he went off to BK London’s wrestling school, didn’t he?

Now you know where he ended up. That story wasn’t quite retconned!

Sgt. Pilko: And Jo took your daughter closer to her mum! Okay, you still pay her maintenance and all that but she did that so you could concentrate on your career and continue being a wrestler. She knew you needed time to yourself and she respected that!

And now you know where they ended up. I’m doing well here! What’s next? The mysterious island off Canada? The mystery of the brutal wrestler The Complex? The saga of MASAKI? Whatever happened to Boxcar Joe? If you want to know about those and other less successful potential angles, just ask! I’ll probably make it up as I go along anyways.

Dan White: Okay yeah, all those points are valid, but....

Sgt. Pilko: But what. You can’t afford to spend £10k in a nightclub every night? You can’t fly first class whenever you fancy a weekend in the Maldives? I mean seriously, who only spends a fucking weekend in the Maldives.

Dan still looks depressed, as the Royles butt in.

McGroin: Oi you fucking cheapskate, what the hell’s your problem anyways? I remember back when we were young, you were more than happy at earning £1.20 an hour cleaning up the shop floor!

Biggin: Aye, but only cos he was stealing radios from cars and making a fortune on that!

Dan scowls at the twins as he quietly mutters something.

Dan White: It’s just, it’s all my passion is now eh. I have a match tonight and I know that I’ll get hyped up for it cos it’s against that prick Phillips, but I dunno, what’s the point?

Sgt. Pilko: Right, fuck off. Tell you what we’re gonna do. You’re gonna get on the phone to your agent, and get him to sort something out. Talk shows, one-on-one visits, advertising, after-dinner speaking, something like that. Something that stops you being a moody arsehole and makes you a great wrestler again. Okay?

Something Pilko said actually made sense. Well actually a lot of it makes sense, Dan’s just a bit of a selfish idiot at times. And by ‘at times’ I mean ‘all of the times, all of the places’.

Dan White: Hey...you’re right! I could do something like that. The only problem is I kinda don’t have an agent anymore. I sacked him months ago.

Pilko looks at Dan as if to say “well what do you want me to do about it?” Dan gives a look to say “help me out, oh brotherin.”

Sgt. Pilko: Fuck off if I’m calling around for you.

Dan White: Come on! I’ll give you a 25% cut if you can book me some good gigs!

Sgt. Pilko: Fuck off.

Dan White: Come oooonnnnn. I can’t do it now, I have a match! You came up with this idea, you can help me!

Dan actually looks really desperate at this point, to which Pilko rolls his eyes, slumps his shoulders and reluctantly takes on responsibility of Dan’s agent-related tasks.

Sgt. Pilko: Fine. But it’s 30%.

Dan White: That’s awesome! Thanks a lot bro, I’ll see you after the match!

Dan excitedly exits the locker room as Pilko sits down, sighing before starting to look up numbers in the Yellow Pages. Meanwhile, Biggin looks to his twin brother.

Biggin: Why the fuck do we never do things like that?

McGroin: It’s because you’re a massive gay, that’s why.

Think it’s time to fade out.